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C100 - process and how to handle STBX

J

jw3593

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Hi all,

I have been reading through the forum for a while now and taking heart from some things and scared by others to date! only now getting to the difficult part of Child Arrangements for my son, who is a toddler and want some help.

Bit of a back story is that we had a relationship that went a million miles an hour and was good for a while, then rapidly deteriorated into a pretty abusive and controlling relationship that i've been supported with by a domestic abuse agency to work through since the split...counselling in particular has been a real help. STBX's mental health took a nose dive (already diagnosed with a personality disorder 10+ years ago), and she ended up admitting herself to a Mother and Baby Unit nearby. Since this, she had stated that i didn't 'step up' and is maintaining this view now.

Since the split, she's also accused me of alcoholism and domestic abuse against her (seems par for the course), whilst i have said nothing re: the support i have received as i think its inappropriate now we live apart. He is the only way that she can exert control over me now.

We've also had social services involvement, given a safeguarding concern that was discussed with my GP who encouraged me to report. The social services did an assessment and were happy that both parents were capable of parenting well and loved our son and saw no issues. In fact the report said that my STBX needed to ensure that my son had time with me within the report.

Now, i want to move past these things, put them in the rear view mirror and just focus on how we can work together for our son.

We've done ok at this so far, having been able to shift from threats of supervised contact only at a contact centre (thankfully never actioned), to basically regular overnight contact two nights a week for probably the past 3/4 months (out of the 6 months separated). Now that my stbx is back at work after mat leave and we are pretty much the same in working hours (i've dropped a day, she's gone back doing 4 days), i want to work towards equal care for our son. I've moved to an appropriate place, close to his nursery and the marital home and running at significant cost to do that (still paying my share of marital home mortgage whilst finances get sorted)...plus joining toddler groups etc on the day i have him during the week (going to wreck my knees though!).

I know from mutual friends that she has been receiving help from others during the time she has him, which i don't have an issue with, but i find it upsetting given the refusal to move towards equal care when i live nearby and am a more than competent parent.

We've finally got to the crux of her argument against, which is breastfeeding and ultimately just plain refusal to parent equally because 'i don't deserve it'. This feels like if we go to court, we'll be told that we are able to talk and to work together for him, so why haven't we agreed? We have had two mediation sessions that have been useless and myself and my solicitor have agreed time has come to push the C100 button. I haven't even asked for a fast shift, everything i've asked of her is for down the line. Just something to look forward to. An end goal. But she is refusing to talk beyond the next few months and that is why i feel pressed into going to court.

But i'm nervous re: contact being pulled entirely and am weighing up whether it is even worth it? It's been a slog over the past 6 months and i have been accused of all sorts, am draining my finances through pointless negotiation attempts and just want it to be over. STBX has said that if we go to court, I will have ruined our 'co-parenting relationship' but i feel like i have no choice. My son needs a dad in my opinion and that is my driving force here. Am i doing the right thing? Or should i settle for her just setting the timelines?
 
How old is he? I'd be inclined to say that if you're getting regular time twice a week, it might be better to delay a court application at least until he's two as you'd be more likely to get a better long term order. But if he's, say, 18 months now, then he'd be two by the time of a final order.

Are you still having him two days/nights a week? (assume it includes overnights)? A mediation sign off lasts for four months.

Your ex does have a point that it could be much harder to be amicable if things become adversarial at court. However, how amicable is it now? You could just focus on keeping things amicable and being "helpful" and getting as much time as possible before applying to court. On the other hand if you leave it too long it could be seen as an established pattern that the court (or Cafcass) wouldn't want to change.

Is it regular time or does she mess about and chop and change the times? Yes it's best to leave all the allegations out of it, but if you did apply to court, it's likely she would accuse you of something. If you accuse something as well (whether true or not), it could get quite messy and lead to Cafcass saying there is "conflict between parents" and in that situation they tend to just leave the child with the Mother and minimal with Dad. So we usually advise not saying anything negative about the ex - even if she does make allegations. And keep everything child focused.
 
He's around 15 months and overnights yeah.

Amicable is basically when I go along with her and on her terms - any changes or any asks i make and it falls off a cliff and this is all on AppClose too.

So the court application has the wording that i want to basically change the current arrangement in a staggered way, acknowledging his age, breastfeeding, etc.

My solicitor thinks it may be beneficial that we already have had a good assessment of us both by social services and they may do the initial safeguarding interview, rather than CAFCASS.

She is very miserly with times but has at least been consistent. If he is napping, say, she will expect to pick him up at the time stated, rather than wait for a heads up as to when he is awake. So again, its like, amicable until it affects her and puts her out.
 
So what is the current schedule weekly? I'm not sure it's beneficial to have social services rather than Cafcass - if your ex brings up allegations of domestic abuse. 15 months is a bit old for breast feeding - it can't carry on much longer.
 
I personally would hold of court. Your solicitor has a vested interest in painting a nice picture to keep you as a client.

Court can be a bit like pouring petrol on the situation. If you’re getting regular overnights at the moment I would run with that for a while at least.

Try and stay as amicable as possible with the ex.

If things deteriorate then go for C100

Or if she doesn’t up your time with child in a year or so then go the legal.
 
Agree - I'd maybe wait until child is nearly two. No excuse for breast feeding then. Not that it should be an excuse at this age anyway and she could express breast milk. Clearly your ex isn't going to agree to equal shared care.
 
The current schedule weekly is Monday day and overnight, then Wednesday evening for 2 hours and Saturday noon - Sunday noon.

I am in two minds, part of me thinks that any waiting game is just establishing a pattern for her to point to but surely the above schedule is not sustainable as he gets older?

She certainly enjoys holding the power over me, which i am coming to accept gradually but i don't trust her to stand by her word of discussing when he is 2.
 
Ash said:
Agree - I'd maybe wait until child is nearly two. No excuse for breast feeding then. Not that it should be an excuse at this age anyway and she could express breast milk. Clearly your ex isn't going to agree to equal shared care.
Click to expand...
Also for context, she is pumping (I pick him up in the morning on Monday at 7 and drop him to Nursery following day, she collects him after work - 5/6ish) but neither myself or nursery have ever seen the expressed milk...
 
I agree with the others that as frustrating as it is, hold off court all the time you're seeing your child.
Court is not fun and due to backlogs the gaps between hearings are sometimes longer than they used to be.
Also there's the added potential of them saying you need supervised contact between hearings if the ex alleges DV.
Hopefully in time your ex may ease off as your child gets older. You can but hope.
 
That is not a bad schedule at all for a child that age so I would still say wait for now. I'd think about applying when your child is two - and she can't use breast feeding as an excuse after that age - it wouldn't wash.
 
Cheers for the advice guys, i'm erring on the side of trying to keep a low profile for a while and then look to move on it.

Just today, she's flipped out at me because I asked to extend the deadline on exchanging financial disclosure because she was up late doing it...then said she won't do any favours for me again with our child...

So as you say, unless the contact drops, probably at this moment best to ride it out...
 
@Ash asking as you seem to be clued up across all areas, just wondering re: my other thread on finances and some stuff i've read on this forum whether it may be worth starting the C100 in tandem with the financial aspect? Or delaying the financial aspect (not sure i can afford this though). Or whether waiting for him to become 2 (or close enough to), is appropriate regardless of finances?

As you can probably work out from both threads, any form of co-operation is not my ex's strong suit..!
 
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