Did you file for divorce post holidays in the end mate?
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Biting your tongue…HOW LONG?!?!
- Thread starter Nujra Rof
- Start date
Nope, we have another therapy session Wednesday. I mean in my head we’re done, but feel through the therapist is the only way we really talk. Will see how that goes.
In honesty my hand was forced by her - kids where asking lots of questions and the wife told me if we didn’t sit down together and tell them that day, she would do it herself. I knew if I wasn’t there, she would straight up tell them it’s my fault and blame me.
She told my son in private that it was my decision to leave, which I almost lost the plot about, but I’ve made sure I’m talking a lot with the kids and being careful not to blame either of us. It’s not easy.
Do you know what, I cannot believe how people forget these are young children with young minds - the way you handle these situations will impact them there whole life potentially!
My wife is still telling the children how much mummy does for them, they came from inside her so will always be connected in a special way just them & putting me down in front of them - it’s pathetic to watch in all honesty. How about just making the kids smile and having fun with them and not projecting our situation feelings and emotions onto them.
Well done for not losing the plot - I know I probs would have so you’ve been a giant mate!
My best mate is 2 years into his divorce, it’s all been finalised now etc, his ex blindsided him, he thought they were happy etc then one day bam she called it. They have a 4 year old now, although they separated when he was 2 so didn’t have the ‘conversation’ as such.
I stayed with my mate for a couple of days before Xmas as he doesn’t live near me, and tbh I was surprised how bitter he still seemed about it all. He said when their kids older and asks questions he will tell him exactly what happened; that the mum wanted out. I had to tell him, and this was really hard as this guy is like a brother to me, that the best way for the kid would be to say it was mutual etc.. he didn’t seem happy about that, but I figured that convo is still a few years off so I’ll revisit.
His attitude was ‘well why should I be known as the bad guy?’
I stayed with my mate for a couple of days before Xmas as he doesn’t live near me, and tbh I was surprised how bitter he still seemed about it all. He said when their kids older and asks questions he will tell him exactly what happened; that the mum wanted out. I had to tell him, and this was really hard as this guy is like a brother to me, that the best way for the kid would be to say it was mutual etc.. he didn’t seem happy about that, but I figured that convo is still a few years off so I’ll revisit.
His attitude was ‘well why should I be known as the bad guy?’
I think to be planning to tell the kids exactly what happened per his version does sound a tad bitter. I mean I am only at the very beginning of the divorce process/journey so two years being the going timeframe than I might be just as bitter at the end.
But I hope it isn't like that
Personally, my wife is a nightmare anyway, so I cannot wait to get away, but if she continues as she is than she will only alienate the kids and they will figure it out themselves and when older will probably say they want to live with me as she is so intense. Equally, they may not and be happy with the shared arrangements because she has improved who she is as a person, and that is still a win in some respects as the kids have a better mum (the only mum they will ever truly have so good for the kids - and I wouldn't want to cause any animosity at that point between kids and their mum).
It was 2 years as the ex wife stayed in the house; dragged it out and eventually her dad sold one of his many properties to buy my mate out. We all knew this is what would happen as her dads loaded, but that all took some time as he had to sell his property etcI think to be planning to tell the kids exactly what happened per his version does sound a tad bitter. I mean I am only at the very beginning of the divorce process/journey so two years being the going timeframe than I might be just as bitter at the end.
But I hope it isn't like that
Personally, my wife is a nightmare anyway, so I cannot wait to get away, but if she continues as she is than she will only alienate the kids and they will figure it out themselves and when older will probably say they want to live with me as she is so intense. Equally, they may not and be happy with the shared arrangements because she has improved who she is as a person, and that is still a win in some respects as the kids have a better mum (the only mum they will ever truly have so good for the kids - and I wouldn't want to cause any animosity at that point between kids and their mum).
Ok.
I think that is the issue when guys move out also, women just live for free and are very comfortable
Yep he moved out pretty much straight away upon her orders. He’s told me to stay put for this reason.
Definitely stay put
I take my hat off to you for staying calm and not rising to the bait. It feels like retaliation is the way to get her back, but true revenge comes from continuing just as you are. She wants you to retaliate!Literally just at the end of my tether guys…we have to bite our tongues when have filed for divorce and living in the same house.
Women can say whatever they want, have a go at you constantly for the same things they do with the kids and make out like you’re a bad parent and you have to stay calm and quiet, rather than calling out a nasty hypocrite for who they really are!
I don’t care about moans, nasty comments and digs aimed at me, but when it’s about my parenting or questioning my love for the kids it’s unacceptable for me. It’s just not fair.
Really hate this and cannot wait till it is over…sadly the person I’m wanting to separate from is just a horrible, bitter and unkind character (even using kids as a weapon to try to get her ways which is the lowest…yet I am the way who has to stay calm and bite my tongue, even when these incidents happen in front of my kids
Biting your tongue is the way to go. Children will not be drawn to you if they see retaliation. In the fullness of time, your refusal will show them where the problem comes from. I have been biting my
since 2019. My child is blossoming into a young adult. As this happens, I subtly open doors that allow my ex's hateful behaviours to slot into place.In the end, children draw their own conclusions. Your contrasting behaviour and time, is all they need to see your ex for what she is.
Thank you Resolute.I take my hat off to you for staying calm and not rising to the bait. It feels like retaliation is the way to get her back, but true revenge comes from continuing just as you are. She wants you to retaliate!
Biting your tongue is the way to go. Children will not be drawn to you if they see retaliation. In the fullness of time, your refusal will show them where the problem comes from. I have been biting my
In the end, children draw their own conclusions. Your contrasting behaviour and time, is all they need to see your ex for what she is.
Can I ask, if you don't mind, how old your child was when you separated? And how old now and if you have seen your child want to spend more time with you as they got older or has it remained as is agreed?
How do you mean "subtly open doors that allow my ex's hateful behaviours to slot into place"?
4, now 9.
I mean asking questions that allow things to fall into place. Making it clear that I would never say bad things about my ex. Reminding the child that they know me much better than my ex does. They see me all the time, my ex never does. There are dozens of little hints and opportunities that can be given. I have always been cautious about divulging anything the child tells me in confidence. I forewarn if anything the child tells me is going to be mentioned to my ex.
You have to be responsive rather than reactive. Remember, the child will be viewing you through your ex's prejudices. They will assume you are angry, they will fear you for no reason, this is not their fault! They will test you by presenting behaviours your ex rejects, e.g. telling you they miss your ex, telling you they cannot wait to do things planned with your ex...
You have to see this as a blessing, they are testing you to see if they are safe in ways they are not with the other parent. Be soft and accepting, be honest - even if honesty amounts to no more than saying there are things adults cannot discuss with children.
It is hard, hard as hell. Lots of what I have found I need to do is counter-intuitive. In fact, when I am confronted by a situation that gives me strong feelings. I have trained myself to cross my first impulse off the list of options. E.g. I see the child after a week to be greeted with tears because they want to be with my ex. First impulse is to try and correct/challenge - but you've been with her all week, but we have great plans and are going to have fun... The correct response is to accept the emotion and show understanding. Don't challenge it, normalise it.
Actions speak louder than words.
How would you handle this?
C - "I miss Mummy, I want Mummy, (tears)"
P - "Oh no, you poor thing. That is hard. (Hugs and concern)"
C - "But I want my Mummy"
P - "I know, that is because you love her. It is normal to feel sad when we're away from people we love. How can I help?"
C - "Boo-hoo-hoo"
P - "I remember I used to cry when my Mummy left me with other people, it is hard. Are you gonna give her a big hug later?"
It depends on the child and the situation. You will be attacked whatever you do. Do not take an attack from your ex as indication you are doing the wrong thing. She will still attack if you do an about turn at her request. One option, is to think carefully about a child-centred message to your ex looking to agree a way of speaking to the child together about the end of the relationship. To provide reassurance and make it clear that you both love him just as much.Also mine is 4 (close to 5 when this is over) - how do you break it to them, I worry so much he is going to struggle
Anything you do could blow up in your face. So, keep it simple. What you send is there just to have it on record. Great if she agrees. If not, you are the reasonable party.
Guys, it’s just a joke - she can literally say anything and I have to stay calm and bite my tongue.
Just another episode - she is shouting away at our toddler calling him a liar - I told her stop shouting, he’s a toddler! And she starts saying to me “you’re killing our child with tv” or “dont do that or you will grow up to be like your daddy” and “just leave us alone, just leave the house” (all in front of both children!!!).
And what can I say other than politely “please stop talking” and I get “just leave the house and leave us alone” in response!
Just another episode - she is shouting away at our toddler calling him a liar - I told her stop shouting, he’s a toddler! And she starts saying to me “you’re killing our child with tv” or “dont do that or you will grow up to be like your daddy” and “just leave us alone, just leave the house” (all in front of both children!!!).
And what can I say other than politely “please stop talking” and I get “just leave the house and leave us alone” in response!
In your position statement you can ask for a recital that neither parent will derogate the other parent in front of the children. And raise the fact she is doing so in front of your toddler.
Meanwhile, in that situation - don't say anything back, just reassure your toddler and distract him with something fun - otherwise all he'll hear is two parents arguing. If you're the calm reassuring one, he will just see her as the angry hostile one - not both of you. That will make him feel more secure.
Meanwhile, in that situation - don't say anything back, just reassure your toddler and distract him with something fun - otherwise all he'll hear is two parents arguing. If you're the calm reassuring one, he will just see her as the angry hostile one - not both of you. That will make him feel more secure.
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Thanks Ash - noted and I will definitely add this into the position statement.
I do stay calm, and politely say stop talking but she just wants to have the last word and retaliate with nasty words!
What really upsets me is the thought of her having the kids more than 50% of the time as I know I’ll be undoing everything negative she does/says. Just so sad that the system puts us in a disadvantaged position to begin with. She even changed emergency contact at sons nursery to her family instead of mine today