Bereft following CAFCASS s7 report

[InASpin]

Hi, I'm a newbie on here, only registered today, I happened across a couple of articles on here via a web search and am hoping some like-minded souls on here may be able to advise & reassure.

I've just received a s7 report from CAFCASS and the recommendations are causing me significant distress.

The background is probably familiar to others on here - I moved out of the FMH in June 2022 following many months of unpleasant behaviour from my (now ex) wife, with the children witnessing some awful behaviour from her including undermining, denigration, verbal abuse (including my ex screaming in my face that the children only had one home), removal of my possessions in front of them amongst other things. I would have moved out sooner but struggled to find somewhere to rent and ended up having to service notice on tenants in my late mother's house.

Having moved out, my son (the elder of my two) slipped into a routine absolutely seamlessly (five nights a fortnight) but my daughter stayed only three nights over three weeks and when we came to the first full weekend, became upset and ended up going back to her mother's on the Friday and the Saturday and hasn't stayed since (so over two years now). A few months after this, I was made aware by a mutual friend that my daughter was receiving counselling for her apparent separation anxiety from her mother, I was not consulted prior, during or after the counselling and it was only as the result of a GDPR request that a very after the event summary was supplied by the counselling service. This upset me because a huge opportunity to address my daughters wider concerns was completely overlooked and my parental rights were completely disregarded.

My daughter didn't start coming to spend any time with me until around March 2023, there were no overnight stays and I didn't put any pressure on her to do so. As time went on there were discussions around staying over and she indicated that she would like to try but this ultimately came to nothing. From something my son said, I became aware that my daughter was co-sleeping every night with my wife, a practice that had started while I was still in the FMH.

Feeling that my ex was doing nothing to support/foster a relationship between myself and my daughter and was actually obstructing I decided to take legal action. I enlisted the advice of a well-known organisation in the early stages and they quickly came to the conclusion that a s7 report was appropriate, way back in August 2023 - the court rejected our plea for this course of action at the time.

Now we are over a year down the line with the courts finally ordering a s7 report earlier this year which was published this week; there is a dispute resolution hearing later next month.

The report seems to focus a lot on false allegations that my ex has made and the narrative my daughter provided seems to mirror what her mother has been feeding to her over the last year and a half. CAFCASS recommend that current arrangements should persist (this involves me doing ALL the transport with my daughter being returned to her mother's every Wed/Sat/Sun evening .... we live circa 15 miles apart). The report also implies that I have very few shared interests with my daughter and I am unable to support her emotionally. This is all against a backdrop of me not having any quality time with my daughter (including no holidays together, no Christmas days together) for two years, so how can I be expected to cement/grow a relationship when I can't actually have any time with her? Her mother persists with planting negative thoughts and opinions in her mind, some of which are voluntarily verbalised by my son.

I now don't know which way to turn - of the s7 report had been undertaken last year, I feel the result would have been quite different.

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[nothernsoul]

Sorry to hear this.

What are the ages of the children?

 

[InASpin]

Nearly 13 & 15

 

[bujanin]

From something my son said, I became aware that my daughter was co-sleeping every night with my wife, a practice that had started while I was still in the FMH.

My child although a little younger has the same habit with his mother. I feel that it's a significant enmeshing behavour that makes overnights with me very difficult and emotional.

Can you say why this is significant to you please?

 

[bujanin]

Welcome btw. Sorry to read of your torment, I am very much in the same boat as you.

 

[InASpin]

Thanks for your comments @bujanin .

Not sure what you mean by 'why this is significant to' me? Kids are only kids once, parents only have one opportunity in their formative years to provide the support and guidance they will benefit from from BOTH parents - I am being prevented from having a 'normal' relationship with my daughter, through the actions of her mother, it's simply crushing.

I was assured that the s7 process would tease out any coaching or alienation (both of which have and are happening) but it has patently failed in that respect, they have taken everything my ex said at face value which has painted me in a bad light.

 

[nothernsoul]

It's a rotten system.

I've had my S7 back recently and it's much the same. Mother's word taken as gospel.

With the ages of your children it puts you in a really tricky position.

Who assured you that a S7 report would tease out alienation? I've never heard of such a thing and certainly seen little evidence of it from the dads on here.

At the age they are at the children's wishes will be taken into account.

Do the siblings have a strong relationship? Do you think the girl will learn the truth via the relationship you have with your son?

 

[bujanin]

Thanks for your comments @bujanin .

Not sure what you mean by 'why this is significant to' me? Kids are only kids once, parents only have one opportunity in their formative years to provide the support and guidance they will benefit from from BOTH parents - I am being prevented from having a 'normal' relationship with my daughter, through the actions of her mother, it's simply crushing.

I was assured that the s7 process would tease out any coaching or alienation (both of which have and are happening) but it has patently failed in that respect, they have taken everything my ex said at face value which has painted me in a bad light.

Yes I get that, the inability to have a relationship with our kids because of the actions of another is generally why we're all here. It's what the majority of us are experiencing.

I was specifically asking about the co-sleeping that you made a clear point of, the significance of it to you.

 

[henry23]

Hi and welcome. Sorry to hear about your suffering.

I am in a similar situation, but I am just waiting for my section 7 report, despite having so much evidence of parental alienation and coaching from what cafcass lady was saying to me she was putting it down to adolescence if this is put in the report I will feel like they have failed my son who is being heavily manipulated

 

[henry23]

It's a rotten system.

I've had my S7 back recently and it's much the same. Mother's word taken as gospel.

With the ages of your children it puts you in a really tricky position.

Who assured you that a S7 report would tease out alienation? I've never heard of such a thing and certainly seen little evidence of it from the dads on here.

At the age they are at the children's wishes will be taken into account.

Do the siblings have a strong relationship? Do you think the girl will learn the truth via the relationship you have with your son?

My section 7 was for cafcass to find out due to the evidence I produced if the mother was influencing my son to not see me.
In her defence it was my behavior towards my son why he doesn't want to see me.

 

[InASpin]

It's a rotten system.

I've had my S7 back recently and it's much the same. Mother's word taken as gospel.

With the ages of your children it puts you in a really tricky position.

Who assured you that a S7 report would tease out alienation? I've never heard of such a thing and certainly seen little evidence of it from the dads on here.

At the age they are at the children's wishes will be taken into account.

Do the siblings have a strong relationship? Do you think the girl will learn the truth via the relationship you have with your son?

If I'm being honest, I think both children are scared of their mother to a degree and my daughter is likely to take anything that her mother says as the truth or at least she wouldn't question it. My son seems to be pretty switched on and is able to filter out most if not all the BS that she comes out with and some times verbalises things to me that he's concerned about or that he thinks I should know.

I raised concerns about alienation in the previous hearing and the court adviser assured me that the s7 process would address this, but as you say, it obviously doesn't.

 

[InASpin]

Yes I get that, the inability to have a relationship with our kids because of the actions of another is generally why we're all here. It's what the majority of us are experiencing.

I was specifically asking about the co-sleeping that you made a clear point of, the significance of it to you.

The co-sleeping has created a very unhealthy (and IMO, not age-appropriate) dependency on her mother which is the key factor in my daughter not wanting to stay overnight with me nor indeed undertake sleepovers of any nature.

 

[InASpin]

It's a rotten system.

I've had my S7 back recently and it's much the same. Mother's word taken as gospel.

With the ages of your children it puts you in a really tricky position.

Who assured you that a S7 report would tease out alienation? I've never heard of such a thing and certainly seen little evidence of it from the dads on here.

At the age they are at the children's wishes will be taken into account.

Do the siblings have a strong relationship? Do you think the girl will learn the truth via the relationship you have with your son?

The point about their ages is worrying me a lot. I obviously am not going to accept CAFCASS's 'findings' in the upcoming dispute resolution hearing.

 

[bujanin]

The co-sleeping has created a very unhealthy (and IMO, not age-appropriate) dependency on her mother which is the key factor in my daughter not wanting to stay overnight with me nor indeed undertake sleepovers of any nature.

Yes that was what I suspected and is at the heart of the enmeshing that is going on for me. Prior to our split I was frequently harangued for allowing the boy to cuddle up in bed with us now it's a permanent in their world.

 

[InASpin]

Yes that was what I suspected and is at the heart of the enmeshing that is going on for me. Prior to our split I was frequently harangued for allowing the boy to cuddle up in bed with us now it's a permanent in their world.

It's just wrong, it is infantilising behaviour and doesn't support my daughter becoming independent

 

[InASpin]

Can anyone advise what to expect at the Dispute Resolution Hearing? There hasn't been any direction for myself or the ex to provide statements in response to the CAFCASS report. I intend contesting the recommendations made by CAFCASS, does anyone have any experience of this course of action?

 

[Ash]

Hello and welcome and sorry to hear about the situation. Is your son the older one or the younger one? I think @Peanut 21 may be interested as there is apparently some research that shows they only tend to alienate one child and often the daughter. Whether that's the case or not, it's probably more natural anyway for a boy to be closer to his Dad. But not necessarily - sometimes daughters are very close to their Dads.

What I wanted to say is - however wrong and unfair everything is right now and re the section 7 - make the absolute most of those three times a week you're seeing your daughter. The most important thing is to keep her coming. Yes of course it's hard to have a natural relationship when you can't make proper plans, live in the same house for more than a day or go away anywhere. But keeping up that relationship with her is so important so she can have some critical thinking as she grows up. She will see how things are at ex's house and see how things are with you.

So I think you need to make those days she is there special. Change the routine maybe. If it's just a normal day at home then of course she won't feel that settled as she never sleeps there. Out of those three days, try to have activities planned on two of them. Distraction and a change of routine really helps break through a mindset she has been encouraged into.

I completely agree about the co sleeping at that age. Is it something you can prove though? Just about everyone who has had a section 7 that I've heard of, has found it has been biased towards the Mother (sometimes outrageously so) or at best - woolly and vague. Woolly and vague isn't so bad because it gives you more scope to persuade a Judge at a final hearing.

The difficulty you have though is their ages. Courts aren't likely to make an order for time that makes a child go - if they have expressed they don't want more at this age. They are more likely to leave things vague like "led by daughter's wishes" which isn't great. The reality is though, that by 14 or 15 some children do decide for themselves what they want. At 16 they can legally live wherever they want and it might not be with either parent! A court order becomes pretty meaningless at 16.

The DRA is usually for feedback after a Section 7 but often doesn't really do anything and the matter then just goes to a final hearing. Have yuou been ordered to submit a position statement responding to the Section 7? It's difficult to keep anger out of these responses, but it's important to do so and respond with calm, measured responses, to be taken seriously. By all means expressing concerns. But it seems to be just a paperwork exercise from what I can see. What you want then is it to go to a final hearing with evidence.

I believe if an ex says they don't accept a Section 7 report, the court sometimes orders an addendum and a further report (often if the children have said something she doesn't like!) - but that just delays things even more and an addendum isn't likely to change much. If it does it's usually for the worse. It gives the Mother time to pressurise the child into changing their wishes.

If you say you don't accept the Section 7 and ask for an addendum it is possible that might be ordered - but it will cause delays. And might not really achieve any kind of different report because Cafcass unfortunately do seem to be intrinsically biased towards Mothers - blind to them being anything but perfect and the most important parent. I read (I think it was on Karen Woodall's site) that they and social workers are trained to a 1970's model of feminism and that Mother knows best. So it's not a fair playing field. There are Judges who fully accept both Mums and Dads are equally important. Most of the time, Cafcass don't seem to.

Delay means your children continue to grow older and sometimes things get forgotten by the next hearing - a different Judge - and if they get to a certain age they may say they're not making any orders at all - that the children can just decide for themselves. With a 15 year old that would very much be the case.

So I would do a position statement for the DRA (whether one is ordered or not). Politely and with measured responses and make any points smartly and subtly rather than with anger. You could start by saying what you agree with in the report with the odd child focused comment about how well the children are doing with xyz and how they like doing xyz with you and what they've been doing recently (a snapshot into your insight and involvement in their lives). Then move on to raise 2 or 3 points you feel are incorrect. But rather than just say they are incorrect you address it in a more explanatory way as to what the issues with those comments are and how they don't recognise xyz.

You could slip into all that your grave concerns that the Mother is still co sleeping with a 13/15 year old and you feel this is infantalising the child and creating a situation where they don't feel free to have their own mind or make their own choices (A subtle hint at PA but infantalising is a good word to use - as you mentioned before - as it';s an accepted facet of PA - for those who understand it at all).

You could go on to say how important it is for your daughter to have the guidance and influence of both a Mother and a Father during her teens - an extremely important stage of development.

You could cleverly point out (if you can) any parts where the daughter appears to "parrot" what her Mother has said (and use the word parrot) if that is what has happened.

You could end by saying that you feel it would be a burden for your daughter to decide her own time and she would flourish more with a stable routine that was agreed between parents, with both parents saying to her that this is best for her. (Hinting that your ex isn;t doing that).

And finish by requesting that the matter goes to a final hearing with witness statements and evidence, and request that an interim order includes gradual progression of overnights with your daughter, starting with once a fortnight. Pointing out that the S7 says you don't have any meaningful relationship with her and you feel this will give the opportunity for her to have a meaningful relationship with you and you can do many more things together or even have a week-end away. It's not likely to happen but you can try. You can also ask that an interim order addresses unhealthy behaviours that are affecting your daughter, and states that co sleeping should discontinue along with overnights starting with you. And you could request that transport is shared.

Unfortunately, if your ex has a "lives with" order then it's expected that the other parent does all the traveling unless agreed otherwise.

Judges seem to like that kind of blindingly reasonable logic and tone.