Back on the singles scene, now with “baggage”

[Nujra Rof]

Hey guys,

I’m going through a divorce and not ready to meet someone yet as my kids are my priority and focus, and setting up a good home for them. They are very young - 4 and 2.

I know it will be hard when I don’t have them and when I get there mentally, I’d love to move on with a new partner. I had a few thoughts and would love to get opinions from guys further ahead in there journey than me:

1) do you find women categorise you as a divorced man with kids (so lots of “baggage” put harshly by some who aren’t supportive of my divorce decision) and less open to dating and relationships with you

2) do you find yourself only able to connect with women who have children as they understand your lifestyle and what parenting involves, plus they have had rough times in relationships with children involved too

3) what’s it even like out there now as a 30-something back on the scene - is it all app based dating now

4) lastly, and most importantly, has anyone come out the other side and been so thankful they went on the difficult “splitting up when you have kids together” path, because they met someone new who is nicer, more suited to them, gives you calm and peace in life and most importantly did your kids take to it ok

Thank you in advance for sharing any thoughts

 

[Ash]

I'm probably out of touch with this sort of experience But I'd say - be careful and be choosy. If you meet a single Mum, carefully and subtly find out what her attitude to her ex is (and whether she seems believable). You don't have to use dating apps - you could start a new night class in something that interests you and might get pally with a woman with the same interests - spread yourself about a bit.

I didn't have a divorce - only dated my child's Mother for a few weeks and he was born later. However I did have a load of hell from her when I then had a new partner. It was ok for her to do it but not me apparently. So depending on what your ex is like, expect her to be difficult if you have a new partner. Also best not to introduce the kids to any new partner until you've established this is something you want permanently. Eg at least 6 months maybe.

 

[Maloney]

Hey guys,

I’m going through a divorce and not ready to meet someone yet as my kids are my priority and focus, and setting up a good home for them. They are very young - 4 and 2.

I know it will be hard when I don’t have them and when I get there mentally, I’d love to move on with a new partner. I had a few thoughts and would love to get opinions from guys further ahead in there journey than me:

1) do you find women categorise you as a divorced man with kids (so lots of “baggage” put harshly by some who aren’t supportive of my divorce decision) and less open to dating and relationships with you

2) do you find yourself only able to connect with women who have children as they understand your lifestyle and what parenting involves, plus they have had rough times in relationships with children involved too

3) what’s it even like out there now as a 30-something back on the scene - is it all app based dating now

4) lastly, and most importantly, has anyone come out the other side and been so thankful they went on the difficult “splitting up when you have kids together” path, because they met someone new who is nicer, more suited to them, gives you calm and peace in life and most importantly did your kids take to it ok

Thank you in advance for sharing any thoughts

In the early stages after my break up I went on some dating apps and had a surprisingly high number of likes. I came off there as didn’t have the headspace, but it’s definitely not as bleak as I imagined.

 

[Peanut 21]

Hey guys,

I’m going through a divorce and not ready to meet someone yet as my kids are my priority and focus, and setting up a good home for them. They are very young - 4 and 2.

I know it will be hard when I don’t have them and when I get there mentally, I’d love to move on with a new partner. I had a few thoughts and would love to get opinions from guys further ahead in there journey than me:

1) do you find women categorise you as a divorced man with kids (so lots of “baggage” put harshly by some who aren’t supportive of my divorce decision) and less open to dating and relationships with you

Depends on the woman. I met my partner in my mid 30s at the gym. I knew he had kids and it didn't put me off. I expected that any man I met may potentially have children the older I got. I don't have kids of my own.

2) do you find yourself only able to connect with women who have children as they understand your lifestyle and what parenting involves, plus they have had rough times in relationships with children involved too

I do know of people in this situation. If both of you have kids you'll both understand they come first. I think the only stumbling block is that when people move in together they may have different parenting styles which can cause clashes. But that is way off your radar I should imagine

3) what’s it even like out there now as a 30-something back on the scene - is it all app based dating now

Not sure on this as I've never been a dating type. I always had the attitude of I would rather be single than make do with anyone. Focus on getting through the divorce and then on yourself first. Get some new hobbies and meet people naturally. Even if it's people you have a coffee with after a night class or something.

4) lastly, and most importantly, has anyone come out the other side and been so thankful they went on the difficult “splitting up when you have kids together” path, because they met someone new who is nicer, more suited to them, gives you calm and peace in life and most importantly did your kids take to it ok

Obviously I'm coming from the point of view of that 'nicer, more suited to them...' person. My partner does tell me I'm the complete opposite of his neurotic, argumentative ex and we are well suited. We don't tend to argue, as I cba lol.
When I first met the kids they were 4 and 7. They took to me straight away. Sadly this triggered the ex to go nuclear (as Ash would call it) and it's been pretty hellish ever since with her. My partners ex is a very damaged person though so don't let my response worry you. It really depends on so many factors on how it will turn out.

Thank you in advance for sharing any thoughts

 

[proud_dad]

I wish I had time between caring for the kids, work and dealing with psycho ex shenanigans to think about a relationship. I also think that if I did have the time, it wouldn't be fair on the other person to be exposed to this level of crazyness.

 

[Windmill51]

In a similar position now as contact progresses over 2025 and hopefully a routine is normalised for the little one, I have no idea how to get myself back out there...

I am late twenties and have spent a lot of time whilst working on the case working on myself, my physical health, financial stability, spiritual amongst other things and I feel like I am in a good place going in to 2025 but the question always lingers... what next in terms of sharing life with someone new

I do not want the 'I cant be bothered' mindset to creep in as I have spent a few years alone now so quite like the peace!

@Nujra Rof - I cant help with the questions as have not got back out there yet! All the best with it.

 

[Oneofmany]

Being abit older makes it even more daunting. I wrestle with the thoughts of getting old on my own

 

[Roblox]

Hey guys,

I’m going through a divorce and not ready to meet someone yet as my kids are my priority and focus, and setting up a good home for them. They are very young - 4 and 2.

I know it will be hard when I don’t have them and when I get there mentally, I’d love to move on with a new partner. I had a few thoughts and would love to get opinions from guys further ahead in there journey than me:

1) do you find women categorise you as a divorced man with kids (so lots of “baggage” put harshly by some who aren’t supportive of my divorce decision) and less open to dating and relationships with you

2) do you find yourself only able to connect with women who have children as they understand your lifestyle and what parenting involves, plus they have had rough times in relationships with children involved too

3) what’s it even like out there now as a 30-something back on the scene - is it all app based dating now

4) lastly, and most importantly, has anyone come out the other side and been so thankful they went on the difficult “splitting up when you have kids together” path, because they met someone new who is nicer, more suited to them, gives you calm and peace in life and most importantly did your kids take to it ok

Thank you in advance for sharing any thoughts

Hi

Based on my experience I'd say as follows:

1. Very much depends on the woman. Some will rule you out and others will like the fact you have kids, as if they have kids themselves they like the idea of meeting someone with kids. Yours are young but sometimes it's not a bad thing as the kids won't really remember the time before the new partner so basically it will feel normal for the kids to see you with a partner.

Would you consider more kids? I think that will have an impact too.

2. Not necessarily. Women without kids have more free time and can work around you more. Women with kids it can be difficult to align diary's etc. So for example if you have the kids every other weekend you need your weekends to align.

3. Hard to answer this but I think something like 50% of dating now starts online. When you work and have kids it can help as you may not otherwise get the opportunity to meet people for dating. Apps can be a pain but can also work if you're persistent and know what you're after.

The biggest issue with Apps in my opinion is the 'candy shop'mentality that the next match or conversation will be a better option. Hence I'd always say keep your options open until you've been on a couple of dates and have some certainty.


4. Can't answer this as not taken the step of introducing someone.

 

[Nujra Rof]

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and opinions so far. I’m way off being in a place where this is possible but I do have those questions in my mind (when it’s not preoccupied dealing with the soon to be ex wife living in my house).

I guess my biggest fears are initially women just writing you off as you have kids so it’s nice to hear this isn’t necessarily the case. I would consider having more kids in future, probably only one but my honest thoughts are if I was to ever be with someone new than they’d have to genuinely love my kids, not just be nice because they’re an extension of me, and not unrealistic love them like a mother but more just enjoy being with them, love them as people and want the best for them.

 

[Nujra Rof]

I wish I had time between caring for the kids, work and dealing with psycho ex shenanigans to think about a relationship. I also think that if I did have the time, it wouldn't be fair on the other person to be exposed to this level of crazyness.

How often do you have the kids if you don’t mind me asking.

I’m going for 50-50 so appreciate my time will always be stretched thin but hope to have time to date when I am ready in future.

 

[Nujra Rof]

Depends on the woman. I met my partner in my mid 30s at the gym. I knew he had kids and it didn't put me off. I expected that any man I met may potentially have children the older I got. I don't have kids of my own.

I do know of people in this situation. If both of you have kids you'll both understand they come first. I think the only stumbling block is that when people move in together they may have different parenting styles which can cause clashes. But that is way off your radar I should imagine

Not sure on this as I've never been a dating type. I always had the attitude of I would rather be single than make do with anyone. Focus on getting through the divorce and then on yourself first. Get some new hobbies and meet people naturally. Even if it's people you have a coffee with after a night class or something.

Obviously I'm coming from the point of view of that 'nicer, more suited to them...' person. My partner does tell me I'm the complete opposite of his neurotic, argumentative ex and we are well suited. We don't tend to argue, as I cba lol.
When I first met the kids they were 4 and 7. They took to me straight away. Sadly this triggered the ex to go nuclear (as Ash would call it) and it's been pretty hellish ever since with her. My partners ex is a very damaged person though so don't let my response worry you. It really depends on so many factors on how it will turn out.

Really interesting answer to point 4 - because similar to yourself I really can’t be asked to argue, much easier and less draining to just be nice, happy, compromise and get on with something else. But my soon to be ex wife, I almost feel, relishes the negativity and judging of others and criticism of every thing really. It is not normal for her not to be negative (her family are very much like this also, very snobby and I’m just not built that way and don’t have the energy for it). If we didn’t have kids I’d walk away, probably never have a second guess or worry about it. With kids I know I’ll have to speak to this person for the rest of my life probably (& sadly) and so just want to know since we have kids, there is hope for a new relationship more suited to you.

 

[Ash]

My partner didn't have her own kids and loves my son. However I will admit she did go through hell as a result of the crazy ex and in the early days, considered throwing in the towel a few times. We did deal with it as a couple. There will always be some issues and you have to be big enough to work through them. Some new partners complain Dad and child can be cliquey - especially when Dad doesn't see the child that often - and they feel ignored. This is tricky as you do need some one to one time with your kids, as well as family time - so it's a balance - not to make the kids feel you're more interested in your partner and vice versa. It's not always quite the "Brady Bunch" atmosphere people imagine.

Not trying to put you off Just that you have to be prepared to handle these things and other peoples feelings. New partners who have their own kids - parenting styles as Peanut mentions. And avoiding the "your kids my kids" thing - treating them all the same.

Basically you need to be sure about someone, their views, outlook and being on the same page with a lot of things. Because if you end up splitting up that's two sets of kids upset all over again - although they do adjust.

 

[proud_dad]

How often do you have the kids if you don’t mind me asking.

I’m going for 50-50 so appreciate my time will always be stretched thin but hope to have time to date when I am ready in future.

They live with me 40% of time, but I also do pick up from school 2x per week during the days they are living with psycho. When they are not living with me, I cram work and deal with her shenanigans, school meetings, taking kids to GP etc. It's rewarding to be the father I have always dreamed of being, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. However it is knackering!

 

[Ash]

It most definitely is knackering! Especially when they're younger.

 

[Nujra Rof]

They live with me 40% of time, but I also do pick up from school 2x per week during the days they are living with psycho. When they are not living with me, I cram work and deal with her shenanigans, school meetings, taking kids to GP etc. It's rewarding to be the father I have always dreamed of being, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. However it is knackering!

Amazing! How old were your kids when you split from ex?

How did the kids react to it all and are they ok not with the routine and split time?

Slightly off topic from main thread so hope you don’t mind me asking

 

[proud_dad]

The kids were 8 and under. It has not been easy with the first three years managing alienated behaviours from kids, toxicity from psycho, forced changes in routine etc. My eldest kid is suffering from trauma as a result of being weaponised. I hope your journey will be easier.

The kids were at a young age when I left the family home. They were happy with routine; I made sure that they saw the home they would live in with me before I left the family home. I explained the routine we would have and because they saw were they would live, they showed less apprehension as they could visualise everything. We have had our ups and downs. I have had to change the way I parent because I realised that in order to remain a father in their lives, I had to relax my 'authority' levels, as I could see that this could result in them wanting to only live with the parent with the least rules and that gives them the most freedom.

I would recommend that you spend time making your residence a home that they will want to live in, rather than just stay at. To make the routine work, they will need duplicate of everything so they never feel inconvenienced living in two homes. In fact, I can now say that my kids feel more confident and secure when they live with me because they know that their educational and physical needs are met, with routine: They know what to expect (at psycho's it is all ad hoc), feel more relaxed, feel more secure.

Good luck.

 

[Nujra Rof]

The kids were 8 and under. It has not been easy with the first three years managing alienated behaviours from kids, toxicity from psycho, forced changes in routine etc. My eldest kid is suffering from trauma as a result of being weaponised. I hope your journey will be easier.

The kids were at a young age when I left the family home. They were happy with routine; I made sure that they saw the home they would live in with me before I left the family home. I explained the routine we would have and because they saw were they would live, they showed less apprehension as they could visualise everything. We have had our ups and downs. I have had to change the way I parent because I realised that in order to remain a father in their lives, I had to relax my 'authority' levels, as I could see that this could result in them wanting to only live with the parent with the least rules and that gives them the most freedom.

I would recommend that you spend time making your residence a home that they will want to live in, rather than just stay at. To make the routine work, they will need duplicate of everything so they never feel inconvenienced living in two homes. In fact, I can now say that my kids feel more confident and secure when they live with me because they know that their educational and physical needs are met, with routine: They know what to expect (at psycho's it is all ad hoc), feel more relaxed, feel more secure.

Good luck.

This is really interesting - my kids are 4 and 2, how old were yours when you moved out, if you don't mind me asking.

Also what do you think you do (she doesn't do) that. makes your kids feel more secure and confident with you at yours?
Guessing it won't be long before they could say who they want to live with and you may have the more....

 

[Peanut 21]

My partner didn't have her own kids and loves my son. However I will admit she did go through hell as a result of the crazy ex and in the early days, considered throwing in the towel a few times. We did deal with it as a couple. There will always be some issues and you have to be big enough to work through them.

Me and my partner had similar to Ash. The first year was quite rocky as my partner was getting his head round what he'd been through with his ex.
You're in the fortunate position that you're asking questions before you have split with your wife.
For a lot of dad's any potential chaos happens after (false allegations, not letting you see the kids) the split and they're blindsided.
Then you're left with plenty of hindsight and how you would do things differently.