At The Start Of A Long Journey

[Kev19]

@Ash unfortunately not knowing my daughter very well my guess is she is wanting her mother and crying as she is missing her. She is not walking by herself yet and I think she does not attend toddler groups and is therefore leading a sheltered start in life. I know once I can get my family involved she will warm to them as several of them work with young children and are natural around them.
As Jay and yourself say the centres are strange places and I feel my daughter dies not take to being there.
You also never know how prepared mother makes the child before the meeting, ie has she slept well, is she hungry etc.

 

[Ash]

Does she not go to a nursery either? What do you do when she's crying?

 

[Kev19]

Since my daughter was 2 months old I have only seen her in the centre 5 times, her mother will not communicate anything to me and it makes me sad that I know next to nothing about my daughter. When she cries I try to comfort her but have to hand her to a member of staff as she will not settle and the session ends.

 

[Ash]

Does she settle with a member of staff? Sounds like the staff should be helping you more and getting involved while you're holding her. Do you actually pick her up and cuddle her and talk to her? sorry if I'm asking obvious questions.

 

[bujanin]

Those fifteen minute sessions will add up to hours spent together soon enough. The crying must be difficult but show her your happiness at being there. Is there any reason the family centre staff take her when she cries can't you hold her and build that physical bond?

It's the courts order that you should see her three times weekly so barring staff availability of course that should be happening.

Take the chance Kev19, accept that she cries and in time she will become more familiar with you and surely ease up.

You will no doubt be taking toys, dolls, musical inputs etc.

The kid isn't being hurt in any way. Kids cry and she may well cry a lot at home with the mother.

 

[Kev19]

My daughter settles better with the staff than me, it could be that she is more at ease with women. I did pick her up and talk to her showing her the pictures on the wall but she kept crying. Fridays session the staff member held her the whole time due to her crying. I distracted her with toys and managed a couple of smiles so it was not in vein, even though we where at arm’s length from each other.

 

[Peanut 21]

I wonder if your baby is sensing your worry or sadness of the situation?
Even if you're outwardly trying hard to be calm and happy, the situation you're in isn't the best so maybe she can sense it?
The staff there will be neutral so they're not giving off any emotions.
It may sound 'out there' but babies do pick up vibes.
I went to a contact centre twice when my partner had to use one and they do have a sad energy about them. So it's no wonder you and your baby don't feel right there.

 

[Kev19]

@Peanut 21 , yes I know what you mean about a sad energy and I’m sure my daughter can sense things like my worry. On occasions when she enters the room she is upset and crying even before meeting me which I am convinced she is not happy there and we need an alternative approach.
I am thinking if an ISW gets involved other places for contact can be introduced. I know once I can have her at my home she will settle, that’s why my ex is against this approach.
I will continue and try my best at the centre and hope for a breakthrough.

 

[Kev19]

Received an email from my solicitor today. Last week I saw my daughter for the first time in 5 months and only the 5th time in 12 months. My ex is concerned with the levels of stress our 15 months old daughter is going through due to the two sessions at the contact centre last week. The first session lasted five minutes where I did get a hold my daughter, and the second session lasted 15 minutes where a member of staff held her whilst I, entertain her. My daughter did cry in both sessions hence the email.
My ex has asked what my proposals are going forwad. I have already suggested in court the assistance of an independent social worker.
She obviously wants me to stop seeing my daughter. I feel her parenting skills or similar are behind this and she is wanting me to walk away.
Any advice would be appreciated, I am wanting to question all aspects of my daughters life and if it is proven her behaviour is down to my ex, that I should file for residency, and allow my ex frequent visits. Is this reasonable especially given that my daughter is a stranger to me, but I know I can be a great role model for her?

 

[bujanin]

Received an email from my solicitor today. Last week I saw my daughter for the first time in 5 months and only the 5th time in 12 months. My ex is concerned with the levels of stress our 15 months old daughter is going through due to the two sessions at the contact centre last week. The first session lasted five minutes where I did get a hold my daughter, and the second session lasted 15 minutes where a member of staff held her whilst I, entertain her. My daughter did cry in both sessions hence the email.
My ex has asked what my proposals are going forwad. I have already suggested in court the assistance of an independent social worker.
She obviously wants me to stop seeing my daughter. I feel her parenting skills or similar are behind this and she is wanting me to walk away.
Any advice would be appreciated, I am wanting to question all aspects of my daughters life and if it is proven her behaviour is down to my ex, that I should file for residency, and allow my ex frequent visits. Is this reasonable especially given that my daughter is a stranger to me, but I know I can be a great role model for her?

You have a court order don't you, with the judge being supportive of you stating three visits per week of 15 minutes duration?

She is attempting to control you and pressure you by requesting proposals. The court has made an order so no proposals are needed - ignore her and put your energy into how to be relaxed with your daughter and not to react when she cries. Seek out other infants, like friends who have kids. Find the opportunity to take infants into your arms and learn how to be easy with it. I suspect that you are not a man who has had much exposure to infants and that you have been denied the chance to learn. Try to take her into your arms and remind the family centre staff that you appreciate their guidance but that you are the parent and you are there to bond physically and emotionally with your daughter.

But sod the mothers requests for proposals, all that matters is this time that you have been given by the court. Accept the tears and power forward with gentleness and love for your little girl.

 

[Ash]

Agree. However I wouldn't entertain any ideas of residency at this stage. It sounds like the court are treating it as a bonding issue rather than seeing the Mother is causing this directly (which would be very hard to prove).

Does your ex mean your proposals after the next hearing and the current court ordered time? Don't rush to give your solicitor a response.

 

[Kev19]

Thank you both for your replies. I do my friend child and am gaining experience with infants, however the centre is not a natural environment and I feel my daughter is not happy there.
I assumed the proposals were for continued contact at the centre this week, wanting me not to attend.
I also get the impression the centre staff are of the opinion my daughter is stressed and I do not wish to add to the stress and be the bad guy here.

 

[Ash]

I think there is a court order in place and babies cry. The contact centre staff are supposed to be encouraging this - not working with your ex. Clearly she is trying to knock your confidence. I would ignore her for now but contact the contact centre staff and say to them that the court wants this to continue a little bit at a time.

 

[Pj66]

I find it extremely odd that your daughter is in this much distress at each and every contact centre visit. My daughter is similar age and shows no such distress to the degree you are mentioning around strangers. There is something going on here prior to the centre visits that's making her distressed, it could be lack of nap time or feeding would be my guess.have you or are you allowed to try and give her a small snack in the contact centre?

You could propose contact in the community with a isw twice a week, to take her out in a stroller to begin with. And you can interact with her whilst she is relaxed in her stroller (which most babies are) and work up from there.

You would need an isw for in the community so ex or court must agree. If she refuses then she looks very bad because you are proposing a very reasonable and safe solution taking into consideration your daughter's wellbeing.

Your primary goal firstly is to get your daughter into a relaxed state and it seems it will not happen at this contact centre.

When is your next hearing?

 

[Kev19]

Thank you all for your advice and support, it does help in making me more determined to push on with contact and not be swayed by my ex tactics. I will discuss the court order and its purpose with the centre and see what they gave to say.
The next hearing is just 3 weeks away and I can push for an ISWs involvement. My ex proposes nothing in relation to my daughter and me bonding and I need to make the court understand this.

 

[Kev19]

Not a good week for me. Thursday I was driving to the contact centre to see my daughter when they phoned me to say the session has been cancelled and there would not be one on Friday.
Next week all that is available to me are 2 zoom calls. These will not work, we tried them 5 months ago when my daughter was 10 months old and now she is 15 months old much the same will happen.
The previous weeks contact started up again as per a court order,( I was pushing for an ISW but the court ordered us back to the centre.)
As mentioned in an earlier post my daughter cried the whole time and the CC report says I was unable to cope with her basic needs. Given that contact lasted only 5 minute my question is, how was I to comfort her when she entered the room crying, then given directly to me as I am practically a stranger to her?
Not only was it an impossible task but it is not right for the centre to say I can’t cope. I bet most people would fail to comfort a screaming child in 5 minutes, and also she was possibly having a temper tantrum. It feels like the contact centre has never given me a chance.
I am to get a letter from a friend which says I am good at looking after her young infant daughter, feeding, playing, nappy changing her etc. will this help my case when we go back to court later this month?

 

[Ash]

It would help to have something like that letter I think. I don't think you can present evidence yet but you can mention in a position statement that yiu looking after your friend's infant daughter and do all those things.

Contact centre sound awful! Can you ask for a different contact centre? The way things are going then I too would be inclined to want to push for an ISW report.

 

[Kev19]

thanks Ash, where I live is fairly rural and unfortunately there is only the one contact centre around for miles so I am stuck with just the one option and it is awful, very pressurised and not an environment I feel my daughter takes to.

 

[mva]

The whole thing is ridiculous. If a child has been latched onto mother and not seen father of course she is going to be upset. I totally agree 5mins is not enough time to even begin to start to sooth a child. The only bonding issue is that you haven’t had enough time with the child. Offering zoom calls is pointless. You need more time and to be left alone in the contact centre ( as in staff stand well back), over time child will calm and eventually start to bond/play/giggle with you. Surely mum can give you some milk to take with to start to settle her.

Your child only needs to be calmed once with you and then she will start to settle more quickly and recognise you instantly as and settle and enjoy.

Keep going.

I really have had enough of courts dragging things slowly along, interfering in families lives and dictating what is best for our kids.

This seems so simple to me. More time in a contact centre/more often.

No wonder child is on edge I think you must be with contact centre workers analysing your every move and reporting back.

If daughter cries for a bit, and instantly contact workers step in , no wonder she doesn’t feel safe. No child is inconsolable otherwise us as adults would still be sobbing.

 

[Kev19]

My next hearing is soon and my barrister wishes to have a meeting with me a few days beforehand. Is this usual or is this something I should be concerned about?