At the beginning of all this...

[Ash]

Definitely get the MIAM asap. Unfortunately, if she is going to see a solicitor then it could get unpleasant. Solicitors try and get the best for their clients and they don't give a hoot about you. Steel yourself.

 

[wushuguan]

Definitely get the MIAM asap. Unfortunately, if she is going to see a solicitor then it could get unpleasant. Solicitors try and get the best for their clients and they don't give a hoot about you. Steel yourself.

Well it looks like she can't afford the solicitor route do hoping we can do as much as we can via mediation. Not sure if solicitors need to get involved with mesher agreements?
This way we may be able to agree 50/50 on the equity even if I have to wait 12 years but I if I think of it as an investment for future it takes the pain away a bit!

 

[Dirge]

"Solicitors try and get the best for their clients and they don't give a hoot about you." Sadly, my experience so far is solicitors try and get the best for themselves, ie. as much money out of you as they can, and they don't care much about their clients.......... Good luck with the mesher negotiations @wushuguan. Since I'm considering a mesher order too, wonder if one would effect the chances of a clean break agreement?

 

[MagicJ]

There are as with any avenue, Pros & Cons, a quick search of the forum shows a couple of older threads that mentioned Mesher orders:

Mesher order? Who pays the mortgage?

Hello all, Hypothetical question, but it’s just something I would like to know in case things get sour in the future…. My wife and me married a few years ago, got a joint mortgage together and have 2 children. My wife put half the deposit towards the house (about 2K) I’ve read about these...

dadswithkids.co.uk

Moving out of Family Home - Is Capital Gains Tax (CGT) due?

Hi, Like most on here, I've moved out of the family home and paying the mortgage whilst the ex lives a comfy cost free life and is dragging out financial settlement to her gain. My question is, if you've moved out of the family home, is CGT payable at some point when the property comes to sell...

dadswithkids.co.uk

A quick Google and here seems to be a good article on Mesher:

What is a Mesher Order? (And should I get one?) - Mediate UK - UK's No 1 Family Mediation Service

Struggling to work out what to do with your former marital home? A Mesher Order may just help. But they are not for everyone. Read more here.

www.mediateuk.co.uk

 

[wushuguan]

There are as with any avenue, Pros & Cons, a quick search of the forum shows a couple of older threads that mentioned Mesher orders:

Mesher order? Who pays the mortgage?

Hello all, Hypothetical question, but it’s just something I would like to know in case things get sour in the future…. My wife and me married a few years ago, got a joint mortgage together and have 2 children. My wife put half the deposit towards the house (about 2K) I’ve read about these...

dadswithkids.co.uk

Moving out of Family Home - Is Capital Gains Tax (CGT) due?

Hi, Like most on here, I've moved out of the family home and paying the mortgage whilst the ex lives a comfy cost free life and is dragging out financial settlement to her gain. My question is, if you've moved out of the family home, is CGT payable at some point when the property comes to sell...

dadswithkids.co.uk

A quick Google and here seems to be a good article on Mesher:

What is a Mesher Order? (And should I get one?) - Mediate UK - UK's No 1 Family Mediation Service

Struggling to work out what to do with your former marital home? A Mesher Order may just help. But they are not for everyone. Read more here.

www.mediateuk.co.uk

Wonderful, thank you. I'll check out those threads.

 

[wushuguan]

I have just had my MIAM and got a bit bombarded with info tbh, tried to make some notes as we went.
There was a lot of information.
It appears a mesher agreement is the way forward, they will contact my stbx in the meantime to arrange her MIAM.
He rattled off costs for a parenting plan if required, open statement of financial info, MOU etc. Even though cheaper than a solicitor it is still going to cost a fair bit.
The mesher has to go through a solicitor though as it is a legal document. Just by going through mediation it is supposed to reduce the solicitors work making it cheaper.

I am just concerned of where I am going to find the money for all this. He said most of the partners have usually moved out by this stage anyway and sort the mesher out after. If I did move out now leaving my name on the mortgage, stop paying the mortgage and rent somewhere local, would this be advised as I don't know where I would stand?

I am completely overwhelmed atm and no idea what to do.

 

[Dirge]

Thanks for sharing @wushuguan. not sure of your position, but don't move out until you have a legal CAO in place. Take some time out to process what you've been told today - maybe go for a good long walk, and come back on here later on. Hang tough buddy.

 

[wushuguan]

Thanks for sharing @wushuguan. not sure of your position, but don't move out until you have a legal CAO in place. Take some time out to process what you've been told today - maybe go for a good long walk, and come back on here later on. Hang tough buddy.

Thanks. How do I get a CAO in place? What happens if I didn't have one?

 

[Ash]

That's the key - don't move out until you have a Child Arrangements order in place. Then start looking into dealing with the financials and mesher orders. Because then you won't get your kids witheld and your ex can't use financials to blackmail you over seeing the kids (that happens a lot). Blackmail might be a strong word but if you move out she can use the kids as leverage to get you to agree to unreasonable financial deals. If you have a CAO in place, the children get stability with both parents from the outset, less trauma and then you deal with the finances.

So was this MIAM for Child Arrangements, or just for finances? I am not that up on the divorce side of things but think you might need another MIAM for Child Arrangements. And try mediation, then if you don't reach agreement for a consent order, then you apply to court on a C100 for whatever order you want ongoing, bearing in mind if you don't want them half the time, you'll be liable for Child Maintenance which is separate from divorce finances (kind of). And you say in your application that you are separating and you will be moving out once Child Arrangements are formalised.

 

[wushuguan]

So the MIAM was a first assessment where he discussed next steps, a CAO was not mentioned but a Parenting Plan was? He said this would be another meeting.
The another meeting for a Open statement of financial information after that.
So do we go for the parenting plan where we both agree, then we get a consent order?

Sorry mate, I have no idea with all this and feel like I am drowning atm.

 

[Ash]

This sounds like mediation for divorce rather than mediation for child arrangements. Although maybe the two could go in tandem, but with mediation for Child Arrangements, if there is no agreement between you and ex you can get signed off to apply to court. With mediation covering everything, it would be expected to continue. They wouldn't deal with child arrangements as a priority. This is the problem, a parenting plan or agreement for divorce means nothing. It's not legalising the child arrangements.

I think I would set up another MIAM - google family mediators (a different one) set up an appointment for a MIAM and say you want to agree child arrangements as a priority. You'd have that MIAM, your ex would be invited to attend the next session. If she declines, you get signed off - you then have yoiur MIAM sign off which lasts four months - to apply to court for a CAO.

Likewise a consent order for Child Arrangements is not the same as a consent order for divorce finances. You don't have to tell the other mediator you've had another MIAM over Child Arrangements and in fact there are places online you can get a MIAM sign off the same day.

Divorce mediation isn't the same as child arrangements mediation.

 

[wushuguan]

This sounds like mediation for divorce rather than mediation for child arrangements. Although maybe the two could go in tandem, but with mediation for Child Arrangements, if there is no agreement between you and ex you can get signed off to apply to court. With mediation covering everything, it would be expected to continue. They wouldn't deal with child arrangements as a priority. This is the problem, a parenting plan or agreement for divorce means nothing. It's not legalising the child arrangements.

I think I would set up another MIAM - google family mediators (a different one) set up an appointment for a MIAM and say you want to agree child arrangements as a priority. You'd have that MIAM, your ex would be invited to attend the next session. If she declines, you get signed off - you then have yoiur MIAM sign off which lasts four months - to apply to court for a CAO.

Likewise a consent order for Child Arrangements is not the same as a consent order for divorce finances. You don't have to tell the other mediator you've had another MIAM over Child Arrangements and in fact there are places online you can get a MIAM sign off the same day.

Divorce mediation isn't the same as child arrangements mediation.

Thank you.
Trouble is, I have already paid £130 for this MIAM and really can't afford to book another at this point. I am getting worried that costs are going to escalate.
I wasn't aware there was different MIAMs I was under the impression that it was an initial discussion for the next step, I guess they are all out to get money of us.

 

[Ash]

Understood. But it could end up costing a lot more than that if you moved out and later had to apply for Child Arrangements.

 

[Dirge]

Good advice from Ash. It would be a good idea to get a C100 application lined up and ready to go before you do the MIAM for child arrangements. That way you can put in for it as soon as you get signed off from the MIAM session. Don't know how amicable things are with your ex, but things can turn nasty very quickly if they think they are losing control of the kids and your assets, so buckle up and prepare for the worst.
Yes, divorce, financial and child arrangements are a very expensive business, but it will be a whole lot more expensive if you move out without a CAO in place.

 

[Ash]

I think the main difference is, starting mediation for the divorce process is a voluntary option. But having a MIAM for Child Arrangements is compulsory - if you need to apply for a Child Arrangements order.

 

[wushuguan]

Thanks guys, I really appreciate it.
It was a head f*ck day yesterday and I need to sleep on it and just breathe for a second.

I keep forgetting you guys are going through similar situations, I hope you are all ok and moving forward positively.

I have another free session today with Wikivorce, these free 20 minute sessions have been useful in case anyone needs advice.
At least I have more questions to ask.

I am fortunate that I can still live in the family home without any nastiness (at the moment) and the children are none the wiser.
I will look into the Child Arrangement Order and begin to save some money to help me moving forward. I think i got bombarded and was thinking I would have to move out quick, I now realise I need to take a step back, slow it down and concentrate on things in priority (children first).

Any feedback I get today that may help others, I will add to this thread.

Thanks guys.

 

[jon1234]

hi dirge did you get the mesher order in the end? J

 

[jon1234]

I'm heading towards financial resolution and my solicitor has briefly mentioned the option of a mesher order. Yes, it could tie up your capital for several years and wouldn't help you short term, but it may be a way of avoiding stbx getting all of the house, on the grounds she wouldn't be able to afford anything else. Since my stbx is already in another relationship, and they'll probably want to move in together at some point, this could be a trigger for selling the house under a mesher order - meaning property might only be tied up for a short time, while still limiting the chance she gets a bigger share of the house at financial settlement. Another consideration is there is a possibility of being stuck with sharing the maintenance costs of the property until it is sold. Everyone's case is slightly different. In my situation a mesher order might be to my advantage, so it is an option I'll be exploring further.

hi dirge did you get the mesher order in the end? J