Anyone else feel this way?

[Nujra Rof]

Hi guys,

I am in the process of the divorce and the one thing that breaks my heart is not being able to see my two beautiful children (aged 3 and 4) every day....

My 20 weeks is not over till end of March, although we have started mediation to try to resolve firstly the child arrangements (and thereafter the finances). I have just received the first joint email from the mediator asking mine and the wife's availability in early January and to sign confidentiality forms etc.

Signing the forms breaks my heart, makes me SUPER sad inside. Not because I am madly in love with my wife (she has, in my opinion, been horrible and mentally abusive for the last 5 years and should have got out sooner). But just going through this situation, talking about the children and even if we got to 50/50 (which she is strongly against and wants majority time with her and her to be recognised as primary resident parent, even though I am with them just as much as her), the thought of having to go 50-50 sucks in itself, I will miss my kids every day they aren't with me....and am not ashamed to say I can already feel myself about to cry at the thought of not seeing them...

Any one else feel this way or can share there journey/advice of going through this and how it impacts the kids and how you can even begin to cope....

Thank you in advance for any suggestions or help.

 

[bujanin]

Most importantly how it impacts the kids will be determined by how you and your wife manage to shield them from any bad feeling (for example the proposed Xmas present might just serve to increase the bad feeling ).

There's a thread on the site with good advice on getting through and coping with the difficult times.

In the scheme of things 5050 is the best solution for the kids unless there are safeguarding concerns. It might well be difficult for you but it sure could be a hell of a lot worse if you end up with 5050..

 

[Nujra Rof]

Thanks - I just don’t know how my kids will cope - I worry so much about what will go through their little minds

 

[Maloney]

Thanks - I just don’t know how my kids will cope - I worry so much about what will go through their little minds

Honestly. This crosses my mind every day. But I had learned not to think about it too much until I have to deal with it. I’m similar to yourself and still living in the same house.

 

[Nujra Rof]

Honestly. This crosses my mind every day. But I had learned not to think about it too much until I have to deal with it. I’m similar to yourself and still living in the same house.

You’re probably right in that best not to try and think about it, one step at a time. To be honest the 20 week period isn’t over till April and even then do feel like it will be a dragged out process, mrs just exchanged form e’s yesterday and claims to have solely raised the children on her own the last five years impacting her career with peers earning £10k more than her as it’s been impacted.
It’s all a load of croc, she was meant to go back to work full time last year, even agreed more nursery days for my little one and she and her employer were sorting out the return, then she backed out and said that she wants to have one more year part time and have little one with her more days before she starts school nursery in sept 2025. Oh and by the way she isn’t going to go full time she said on her form, no idea why as kids will be in school full time when this is all over!!

So whilst she’s dragging it out, just enjoying the time with my kids

 

[Busydad1985]

As you know, similar scenario here - the difference being, both her and I have always worked full time throughout the marriage, and she is a teacher working school hours. I supported her in getting her degree (she was a SEN teaching assistant before) and took up ALL of the childcare duties for her to study 4 years ago. Before that she did bare minimum but there’s really no reason to not have a 50/50 arrangement as both of us are in roles that would make it work for them.

But as with your situation, my wife wants as much money as she can get - she’s already applied for as much benefits as she can get, as she knows private rent on a teachers salary is going to be tight. Thus, it’s in her interests to get herself as much child maintenance as possible, as I make 4-5x more than she does.

I’m not even against giving her some money to help but only if I get equal time with my kids.

My 20wks is up in May - will see if we can reach an agreement amicably before then but it’s not looking good.

 

[Nujra Rof]

As you know, similar scenario here - the difference being, both her and I have always worked full time throughout the marriage, and she is a teacher working school hours. I supported her in getting her degree (she was a SEN teaching assistant before) and took up ALL of the childcare duties for her to study 4 years ago. Before that she did bare minimum but there’s really no reason to not have a 50/50 arrangement as both of us are in roles that would make it work for them.

But as with your situation, my wife wants as much money as she can get - she’s already applied for as much benefits as she can get, as she knows private rent on a teachers salary is going to be tight. Thus, it’s in her interests to get herself as much child maintenance as possible, as I make 4-5x more than she does.

I’m not even against giving her some money to help but only if I get equal time with my kids.

My 20wks is up in May - will see if we can reach an agreement amicably before then but it’s not looking good.

Yes this is the worst thing actually, I am not opposed to giving her a better share of the settlement as I want my kids to have a nice place both when they are with me and with mum, but just want my fair share of time with the kids. In all honesty in my heart I do not feel 50/50 is fair, I should get 60 and her 40, but who would believe that. Like yourself when you took the lead on the kids, I did the exact same and for her to write on the form e that she was solely responsible is actually just very disrespectful in all honesty - I never put down, belittle or question what she has done with the kids but she even said yesterday she didn't trust me with the kids and we need a trial run to see if I can hack it, I was like are you joking?! I was like that in my mind, we aren't allowed to voice anything are we