Am I in an emotional abusive marriage?

[VikingDad93]

I don't even know where to begin.. My wife and I have been together for 7 years, married for 5 and at first it was amazing she was everything I could've asked for in a girl.
She already had a daughter from a previous relationship that I immediately adored now she's my stepdaughter. We have a little new edition to the family another girl ( toddler) just now.

Over the last few months I've been subjected to the sofa which isn't comfortable at all I'd rather sleep with a broken back at this point.

The reason that I'm on the sofa was because my wife can't sleep next to me this has been an ongoing problem ever since she had to get surgery 5 years ago on her hip. She couldn't get comfortable with me in the bed so along with my snoring I told her to have the bed.. Big mistake right?

I would get two choices sleep on the floor or downstairs which neither is comfortable for me, my line of work requires me to be on my feet all day, everyday between 7 and 11.50hrs each day. Can't be slugging around the workplace with a sore hip or back.

I was recently looking for a new bed where my wife could stretch out with no problem at all with me being next to her because I miss sleeping next to her I know that in some marriages both parties sleep in separate rooms but that's not what right in my opinion. So we went halves on a king size bed from FB marketplace and I was back in the bed my wife was loving it she said that she had missed this... short lasting since of last night she was getting jumpy legs, had a migraine, and told me that she wanted to go bed first as she is still adjusting to having me there too?.

She's always been smart with words and has on many occasions manipulated or twisted my words to make me feel confused or uncertain? And then she is the victim of being "manipulated" or "guilt tripped" we had a minor argument about it and she told me that the only reason she wanted this bed was because I wanted it ? So did she not want to sleep next me at all then ?

I come home to either do the dishes, clean up the living room, go to the shop and eventually I sit down. So I'm pretty tired especially when I do a late shift at work so this was totally unnecessary.

I told her just to go to bed if she was tired and she said "no I'll just wait for you if it's going to be a problem" as she was resting on my bed "the sofa" she only moved when I said for her to have the bloody bed then she went upstairs without saying anything to me and closed the bedroom door. My mental health has been deeply effected by this and I've already been on help forums trying to see if this is actually happening.

The abuse doesn't stop there though, lately she's been asking me if I'm scared of her which I thought to be a joke but she actually thinks I'm scared to say things to her ?
Our little one has a cows milk protein allergy (CMPA) and for her 2nd birthday I wanted to bake her a cake without dairy because most stores label theirs as a may contain and are pretty expensive so I said that I would bake one and craft it considering my previous jobs as a head chef and Baker both in restaurants and a care home with over 130 residents. She told me that it I wouldn't be able to do to a professional standard? And it wouldn't turn out as well then proceeded to send me pictures of "failed cake attempts"
Knowing fine well I made a Gryffindorr book cake for our eldest that took me about 4 hours to perfect with the icing.


She'll use snidey comments too, I can't go back to the gym because we need a car and there's just no time for me to sit and study without having to go someplace or work and I really want to learn and pass my test and go back to the gym too but giving that I'm the only one working my income pays for the rent £750 and depending on my wage I have to get the household bills too so in total I'm paying £1,150, then I have to get a big monthly shop which would come near about 150 - 200 leaving me barley anything for my own bills and transport to work until my wife gets money on the 21st and I never see anything back either not that I'm asking but would be nice to offer especially when I'm the one doing all the running around.

If I dare to cook something different she'll go ballistic and tell me that she doesn't like change, claims she has ADHD but never seemed to mention that when we first started dating only until her daughter was diagnosed my wife started saying that she's got it from her ? I'm not saying she doesn't but my wife will always compare herself to others and is very judgemental too.

Sorry for the bible here but I'm in great need of help.

 

[Femto]

Narcissism is a phrase which has become very overused lately, but what you've described here is textbook.

Look up on YouTube 'The Vulnerable Narcissistic Wife' by 'Darren F Magee'.

 

[VikingDad93]

Narcissism is a phrase which has become very overused lately, but what you've described here is textbook.

Look up on YouTube 'The Vulnerable Narcissistic Wife' by 'Darren F Magee'.

I had a feeling this would be what was used to describe whats happening. I'll check it out thanks Femto.

 

[Ash]

Hi and welcome. Personally I think the term abuse gets used too much these days. Your situation doesn’t sound good at all however but sometimes it’s just a bad relationship and neither are happy and take it out on each other. Some things are a bit more serious of course. Have you tried couples counselling? Its worth a try because divorce and separated parenting is no walk in the park.

I’ve been with my current partner over 15 years and there have been bad patches - whether it’s due to illness, tiredness, work issues and we have both felt like throwing in the towel at various times. I think we both tried harder due to a child being involved. At times we have both done and said some pretty nasty things. All I can say is it often comes down to communication, misunderstanding and resentments building up. And bad habits or ruts. Couples counselling can really help.

Her behaviour over your birthday cake sounds like jealousy - that you’re good at something that is traditionally a woman’s role (ie birthday cakes). That doesn’t excuse what she’s doing and saying but do you address it or just put up with it? Ie do you say - that is really hurtful and unfair - or ok what do you suggest ? Most of our fights have been over child related matters.

People can start to behave better is all I can say. Ill health causes huge pressures on a relationship and the fitter one gets a bit taken for granted sometimes.

She’s in the habit of you “making do” because of her needs. Does she work or get out at all and can she cook or bake herself? One thing I found helped was saying ok well take it in turns - you do it this year I’ll do it next year.

I hated my partner doing some things for my son when he was my son - and will admit I was jealous sometimes - but we worked it out - with the odd spat along the way.

Lack of intimacy really doesn’t help though. So a bedroom solution is needed that both of you are happy with. I take it you don’t have a spare room either? At the very least get a sofa bed or put up bed for emergencies or certain times - the sofa is a killer to sleep on regularly.

She has maybe got used to having the bed and room to herself and become selfish. Lack of intimacy can lead to selfishness.

Others may not agree with me but couples counselling can improve things.

When we had bad patches my partner used to look stuff up about relationships - which I found annoying and a bit touchy feely. But she was right. One of her things was - four hugs a day. And say something nice every day - a compliment. It did work. The other thing was date night once a week. Which I will admit was great. Got us out of a domestic rut. Soon slipped back into a rut sonetimes but ….

So I’m not saying put up with it - but get some help.

We’ve both had periods of quite serious ill health at times and yes things go wrong - talking about it helps and both making an effort.