Alcoholic mother putting my newborn son in danger

[Concerned-Dad]

"Background: I met my partner in Sept 2020 and we had a good relationship. Unfortunately it emerged that she had an alcohol problem which began to affect the relationship. When our son was born she started drinking every day. When she drunk she changed into a different person and made me leave the house on several occasions.

I was unconfortable leaving when she was drunk as I didnt think it was safe for our newborn son. If I refused she would call the police and I would have to leave. This caused me serious emotional stress as I worried harm would come to our son (not intentially} as she used to pass out drunk, breastfeed drunk and carry him while intoxicated. After being asked to leave by her I would drive back to London. She would then call in the early hours with a slurred voice because she couldnt look after the baby. I have travelled back to hers (an hour long trip) after receiving drunken calls from xxxx and also after phone calls from her daughter (age 16) who was concerned that she could not wake her mother and I could hear the baby crying in the background. I would return pick up the baby and take another hour long trip back to mine.

When she woke in the early hours i.e. 4 a.m. she would phone and demand I bring him back. This has happened regularly during the short period since he was born. I have also received regular phone calls from her sisters who were concerned about her and the baby and asked me to come and take the baby. At one point she went out without telling anyone where she was going which resulted in her sister looking in the park in the dark (her sister had said the car seat was still there so she couldnt have gone out in a car and most have been local). The police were called and witnessed her return when she was intoxicated. She came back in carrying him in the moses basket. It turns out she had gone to her friends and for some reason she carried him on her lap in the moses basket in a friends van so she could go and have a drink.

These are just a few incidents but I have made detailed records and can go back over messages, calls etc should it be required at a later stage. In the latest incident I collected my son after being asked to by her and her daughter and then at around midnight she called me demanding I take him back to her. When I refused she got a cab down to mine (an hour long 75 pounds cab fare) and was banging on my door drunk. I let her in and allowed her to stay. In the morning I offered to order a Mc Donalds breakfast for her. She wanted me to get her Jack Daniels cans. When I refused she asked for the car seat so she could get a taxi back. I said I would drop her but she wanted the JD and wanted to leave as soon as possible. She ended up calling the police. The police said that our baby could stay with me and she was asked to leave. Our son is now with me but as we both have parental responsibility I was concerned she could take him any time. I dont want to stop her from seeing him but I want some sort of security that she will not be able to put him in harms way. If she does start drinking again while the baby is in her care I would like to be able to collect him legally and take him with me.

I applied for court for a urgent C100 and a prohibited steps order which was given to me and lasts another week. Since our son has been in our care she has applied still been getting drunk and has been to the drs to apply to an alcohol help agency. She had an appointment last friday which she never turned up to (instead she got drunk) and the same everning her sister went round to hers and found her in a bad way and ended up calling an ambulance. She was then taken to the hospital and put on a drip and given something (not sure what) to combat the alcohol and the fact that she hadnt eaten for days.

Shes been playing her drinking down saying she only has a few cans and saying that the drinking is due to depression (because I have her son in my care now) although I know she was doing the same thing while he was with us both.

I was wondering what people thought would happen at the next hearing. Do I need a solictior or should I represent myself again and if so how should I go about it?

I have been letting her see him when sober (allways supervised by myself though) and do want her in his life but only if she is not drinking. Ideally Id want her to go on some sort of alcohol help program, Could the courts make her do this? CAFFCASS are supposed to be getting involved too but I haven't heard from them yet. Will they check the hospital records and given that she is clearly still drinking is there any danger that the courts will decide to give our son back to her where I feel he could be at risk?

Im not really sure where to start but how should I be preparing for the hearing next week and where could it go from there?

 

[blindex]

That's a very sad story.

Some initial thoughts...

What is the type of hearing you will have next week? From your description I assumed you obtained an emergency Prohibited Steps Order ex-parte, without your partner being represented, and the next hearing will be an opportunity for the judge to make a decision regarding the PSO with your partner's presence. Is that correct?

If so this will be an opportunity for you to argue what interim arrangements you want in place until the court begins to discuss the Child Arrangements Order.

Based on what you described regarding the mother's behaviour there can be several options you can put before the judge:

• No direct contact, only indirect contact via a video call (which might be difficult due to your child's age)
• Supervised contact in a contact centre
• Supervised contact in the community by a common friend, family member
• Interim unsupervised contact

I'd say that unsupervised contact is a no-no, and preferably you would want supervised contact in a contact centre say once a week or no direct contact at all.

Since she has committed domestic abusive to you and your child, you may be able to claim legal aid depending on your financial circumstances.

You'd also want to consider what final arrangements you wish for you and your child. Do you think the mother is capable of treating her addiction and are you then willing to co-parent with her in a 50/50 arrangement, or do you think it is best that you take sole custody of your child?

It feels to me that the best thing for your child is for you to take sole custody and when the child is older you may want to vary the agreement to have the mother have more time with him.

The court has powers to order your partner take regular drugs and alcohol tests to ensure that contact is safe.

If you can, you should look into finding a direct access barrister to represent you at the hearing or come back to this forum for further advise. I can post more later on.

Thanks

 

[Concerned-Dad]

What is the type of hearing you will have next week? From your description I assumed you obtained an emergency Prohibited Steps Order ex-parte, without your partner being represented, and the next hearing will be an opportunity for the judge to make a decision regarding the PSO with your partner's presence. Is that correct?

Yes its an emergency Prohibited Steps Order without her being represented so the next hearing will be a return to the Prohibited Steps Order with her present.

• No direct contact, only indirect contact via a video call (which might be difficult due to your child's age)
• Supervised contact in a contact centre
• Supervised contact in the community by a common friend, family member
• Interim unsupervised contact

I'd say that unsupervised contact is a no-no, and preferably you would want supervised contact in a contact centre say once a week or no direct contact at all.

I did actually allow her to see him twice. On Halloween and bonfire night. She wasn't drunk and I made it clear that she wouldn't be able to see him if drunk.

I feel if shes not drunk she a good mother but when shes drunk she turns into a completely different person.

Since she has committed domestic abusive to you and your child, you may be able to claim legal aid depending on your financial circumstances.

Ive been looking into that and a solicitor said today I need something written from the social worker as evidence of domestic abuse. I will be contacting them tommorow and hopefully getting something in writing but I dont think that will be in place for Mondays court case.

You'd also want to consider what final arrangements you wish for you and your child. Do you think the mother is capable of treating her addiction and are you then willing to co-parent with her in a 50/50 arrangement, or do you think it is best that you take sole custody of your child?

It feels to me that the best thing for your child is for you to take sole custody and when the child is older you may want to vary the agreement to have the mother have more time with him.

I think this would be the best option. She said she had contacted an alcohol rehab type place but failed to turn up to the initial meeting. Instead she got drunk. She has now booked another meeting but I dont know if she will go.

The court has powers to order your partner take regular drugs and alcohol tests to ensure that contact is safe.

I think this is needed asap and was asking social services to do that before but they never did.

If you can, you should look into finding a direct access barrister to represent you at the hearing or come back to this forum for further advise. I can post more later on.

I cant afford one right now if/until I get the legal aid sorted out so think I will have to go alone on Monday.

Will the social workers reports be in to the court by then? I haven't been contacted by CAFCAS yet so not sure they will by then?


Will I be required to submit evidence on Monday, Im assuming that will be the final hearing (I have a lot of text and whats app messages going back years) How would I present this evidence. Screenshots or is there a better way of preserving the evidence that can prove it hasn't been altered?

The social worker indicated to me today that the report they make should go in my favour and they do know what shes like although it was still a bit unclear what will go in the report from them.

Will the court be aware that she was admitted to hospital due to her drinking only last week or will this come out later?

The one fear I have is that the court takes our son and puts him in her care again, thus putting him in danger again

Thanks for the reply. Is there anything I should do to prepare for monday (I was thinking a timeline of events that led up to this?)

 

[Ash]

Blindex has given you good advice. If social services are supportive of you then it should go ok at court. But it would be much better to be represented under the circumstances if you can. If you can't then you need to send a good position statement in the next day or two so it's there before the hearing. That will basically speak for you in advance so you have less to say on the day. The thing with court is, it's not quite like just turning up and seeing what they decide - you need to propose things and argue for things.

Evidence - that should have gone in with your initial application as it was an urgent one - but maybe it was too urgent for that. Normally you can't submit any evidence until a final hearing but for something like an urgent Prohibited steps order you can. In this case it's not so important if you have the social services report but it's really important that is there for Monday. Don't underestimate the idea that your ex might get a solicitor who might go to court and lie for her.

I would email social services tomorrow, remind them there is a hearing regarding your daughter on Monday, and ask them to send you a copy of the report as soon as it's ready and to also send it to the court and give them the case number to quote. And add that if the report is not available by Monday, you request a social worker attends the hearing to give evidence.

What did you ask for re prohibited steps? Just to prevent her taking the child?

We can help you with position statement wording. There is a sample one in legal resources above, but it's probably not particularly suitable for your case - it will show the layout though.

Two golden rules:

1) Keep it child focused - whatever you say needs to be showing best interests of the child
2) Don't say anything negative about the Mother or criticize her. That can count against you.

Obviously you need to state the facts of the matter. She has a severe alcohol problem and the child is not safe with her. What you want to be asking for is an interim order for the Child to live with you and spend supervised time with the Mother (perhaps suggest supervised by a family member if that's possible) and for the prohibited steps order to be upheld pending further intervention by Cafcass and social services.

 

[blindex]

Thanks for the reply. Is there anything I should do to prepare for monday (I was thinking a timeline of events that led up to this?)

Have a look at the order that was issued and see if the judge ordered for statements to be filed and what not and Ash is spot on

 

[Ash]

Good point - what does the order say?

 

[Concerned-Dad]

Thanks Ash, will get working on a position statement tomorrow and will email and phone the social workers first thing and see if I can get the report. Am I correct in assuming that the position statement should be the new things that happened since I filed the original c100 or should I include all that too.

I have talked about legal aid but they say I need some form of evidence of emotional abuse to get the legal aid, possibly from the social workers so I will ask them about that.

Thanks The order says the social workers have been ordered to provide their statements to the judge by the 11th. Does this mean I will get them sent to me by then too if I request them? It says CAFCASS safeguarding checks should be done by the 21st, which is after the court appearance(The 14th).

 

[Ash]

Social services should get it to court then if it's ordered. Cafcass safeguarding checks will be phone calls. You should get an email or letter about that. They might be at the hearing as well.

It sounds a bit tricky with the legal aid as it's basically an allegation against the Mother if claiming emotional abuse and that could possibly make you look a bit suspect with Cafcass who might see you as a controlling man trying to take the child away from the Mother. However, you have your court hearing first so that should help when it comes to the Cafcass interviews.

 

[Concerned-Dad]

Thanks Ash, would I be able to get the report from the social workers in advance too or would it just be sent to the court?

As for the CAFCASS checks just being phone calls would they not do checks with police, GPs hospitals etc? Would they be requesting her medical history and what about alcohol testing? How soon would that come in?

As for the legal aid I wasn't even aware I could claim it. The health visitor actually mentioned it and was encouraging me to go to some sort of group. The social worker briefly mentioned it too in a phone call but not sure how serious they considered it and whether it will go into their report.

As for the controlling I think if anything it was her who tried to control me. She got angry over me having a photo from 10 years ago with a girl on facebook (Id only been with her for 2 years and the girl was one I met on holiday who doesn't even live in the country) If I go over years worth of whats app messages I can probably find all that but it is a lot of work to scour through all that. Theres other incidents too, too many to mention to be honest.

 

[blindex]

Thanks Ash, would I be able to get the report from the social workers in advance too or would it just be sent to the court?

As for the CAFCASS checks just being phone calls would they not do checks with police, GPs hospitals etc? Would they be requesting her medical history and what about alcohol testing? How soon would that come in?

As for the legal aid I wasn't even aware I could claim it. The health visitor actually mentioned it and was encouraging me to go to some sort of group. The social worker briefly mentioned it too in a phone call but not sure how serious they considered it and whether it will go into their report.

As for the controlling I think if anything it was her who tried to control me. She got angry over me having a photo from 10 years ago with a girl on facebook (Id only been with her for 2 years and the girl was one I met on holiday who doesn't even live in the country) If I go over years worth of whats app messages I can probably find all that but it is a lot of work to scour through all that. Theres other incidents too, too many to mention to be honest.

You shouldn't be afraid of raising domestic abuse allegations given the seriousness of your situation and trying to claim legal aid if eligible. A third of all domestic abuse cases in England and Wales are perpetrated by women, so your situation is not as uncommon as you might think.

Also, counting massively on your favour, you are now the resident parent and as it seems have social services on your side.

In terms of bringing a strong domestic abuse case against your partner in practical terms it is a matter of:
- Being the resident parent
- Demonstrating in your statement that you are child focussed
- Demonstrating that you have what it takes to take sole care of your children
- Making robust and credible allegations of domestic abuse.

In relation to the strength of your domestic abuse allegations, add the following phrase to the end of each allegation and see if it sounds credible or ludicrous.

- My partner got angry with me over a picture on facebook (Therefore she should not have contact with our son). Ludicrous
- My partner was seriously drunk while taking care of our son, became agressive, and verbally abused me in front of him (Therefore she not have contact with our son). Credible

Take a step at time. Focus on the PSO hearing and then on the Cafcass safeguarding and child arrangement hearing.

Don't expect much in terms of the Safeguarding call. You need to be child focussed and make sure that you make factual, credible allegations, but keep it objectively and NEVER vilify the mother.
It is all about how you frame your conversation, for example:

- The mother is a drunk that cannot take care of our son properly (WRONG)
- I'm concerned with my son's welfare, because of the mother's alcohol abuse and her ability to parent while intoxicated (RIGHT)

Courts move like an oil tank. The Cafcass safeguarding call will do some basic checks and more likely than not recommend that the status quo be observed (i.e. you continue to take care of your son) until a judge says otherwise.

I hope it makes sense

 

[Concerned-Dad]

Thanks Blindex, Im looking into the domestic abuse claim. I contacted the social worker today and he said that in his opinion its abuse. He said he would be asking about putting that in writing which would help with my legal aid application. He also said that the report will be in today and he will be emailing me a copy.

Im working on my position statement now Ash has kindly offered to take a look at it.

Im still a bit unclear if the position statement should include the things I already mentioned in the C100 or should it just be the new things that have happened since I made that application?

Ive taken on board the comments you made about how to word it and not to villify the mother and will be using your advice in my statement. From the start I never said she was a bad mother (when sober) Just that when she drinks shes a danger. I have also met with her twice after the PSO came into force and allowed her to see the child. She was sober so the meeting went great however after as soon as she got home she got drunk again which is the whole issue.

Its making sense now what I have to do, just time is limited to do it. Since the case is on Monday would the 2 days in advance to get the position statement in count the weekend? Would the judge look at it over the weekend. Or would those two days be weekdays only? Im hoping if I can get it in today the judge would get a chance to look at it tomorrow or over the weekend.

 

[blindex]

Thanks Blindex, Im looking into the domestic abuse claim. I contacted the social worker today and he said that in his opinion its abuse. He said he would be asking about putting that in writing which would help with my legal aid application. He also said that the report will be in today and he will be emailing me a copy.

Im working on my position statement now Ash has kindly offered to take a look at it.

Im still a bit unclear if the position statement should include the things I already mentioned in the C100 or should it just be the new things that have happened since I made that application?

Ive taken on board the comments you made about how to word it and not to villify the mother and will be using your advice in my statement. From the start I never said she was a bad mother (when sober) Just that when she drinks shes a danger. I have also met with her twice after the PSO came into force and allowed her to see the child. She was sober so the meeting went great however after as soon as she got home she got drunk again which is the whole issue.

Its making sense now what I have to do, just time is limited to do it. Since the case is on Monday would the 2 days in advance to get the position statement in count the weekend? Would the judge look at it over the weekend. Or would those two days be weekdays only? Im hoping if I can get it in today the judge would get a chance to look at it tomorrow or over the weekend.

Your PS should be succinct, perhaps two pages of A4, three max.... Judges will be fine if you send it on the day. I doubt they'd look over the weekend. But you should send it to your partner when you send it to the judge.

It is ok to summarise what happened prior to your application. You may be in front of a different judge so it is good to recap.

One thing to remember is that a position statement is not an evidence statement. It is a recap of events to date, with what you want the judge to order at the end. For example,
- Background with key dates: we met in XXXX, got married in XXXX, had a child in XXXX, live together until XXXX,
- How/why/when you ended in court: don't slag your ex. I left the family home with my child on XXXX, because I was concerned with the welfare of our son due to a series of events. Focus on the most recent events.
- Make sure you quote from the Social Services report specially if these are lenghty: you may just want to pick up their key recommendation and add to the PS
- Directions: these are the orders you want the court to make. For example, to continue with the existing arrangements

It might be easier if you write in the third person (or maybe not).

 

[Concerned-Dad]

Thanks, Im working on it now, still waiting for the social services report though before I can finish it.

Ive sectioned it like you said with Background, How/Why/When, then a secion on incidents that have happened since I submitted the order (like her getting drunk and ending up in hospital and some of the appointments shes made (and missed the first) then made another one with alcohol help groups)

Ive then finished with Directions. Basically to continue with the existing arrangements but Ive also made it clear I dont want her to stop seeing him but only want supervised contact if she is sober. Ive gone on to say that if she engages with the alcohol groups and follows the program and does stop drinking then I would have no objections to her seeing him unsupervised in the future as shes not a bad mum when sober, its just that the drink takes over her and she puts him in a dangerous situation.

Still got a lot of tidying up to do but hopefully can get this done by tonight.

 

[Resolute]

Thanks, Im working on it now, still waiting for the social services report though before I can finish it.

Ive sectioned it like you said with Background, How/Why/When, then a secion on incidents that have happened since I submitted the order (like her getting drunk and ending up in hospital and some of the appointments shes made (and missed the first) then made another one with alcohol help groups)

Ive then finished with Directions. Basically to continue with the existing arrangements but Ive also made it clear I dont want her to stop seeing him but only want supervised contact if she is sober. Ive gone on to say that if she engages with the alcohol groups and follows the program and does stop drinking then I would have no objections to her seeing him unsupervised in the future as shes not a bad mum when sober, its just that the drink takes over her and she puts him in a dangerous situation.

Still got a lot of tidying up to do but hopefully can get this done by tonight.

The order from your last hearing may contain requirements for this position statement. They say stuff like: "two page future-focussed position statement", "concise updating position statement"... Have a read through the order to see if there is anything on this.

 

[Concerned-Dad]

Thanks for the reply Resolute. There isnt anything in the order mentioning a position statement but I am writing one anyway and it does make sense to give the judge the background prior to the 30 minute case as I could easily forget to mention things.

 

[SJP]

Thanks Ash, would I be able to get the report from the social workers in advance too or would it just be sent to the court?

As for the CAFCASS checks just being phone calls would they not do checks with police, GPs hospitals etc? Would they be requesting her medical history and what about alcohol testing? How soon would that come in?

As for the legal aid I wasn't even aware I could claim it. The health visitor actually mentioned it and was encouraging me to go to some sort of group. The social worker briefly mentioned it too in a phone call but not sure how serious they considered it and whether it will go into their report.

As for the controlling I think if anything it was her who tried to control me. She got angry over me having a photo from 10 years ago with a girl on facebook (Id only been with her for 2 years and the girl was one I met on holiday who doesn't even live in the country) If I go over years worth of whats app messages I can probably find all that but it is a lot of work to scour through all that. Theres other incidents too, too many to mention to be honest.

 

[SJP]

Just a little info on legal aid that I've encountered over the last few months. I was advised to claim it by my solicitor as I'd been in an abusive relationship and am receiving counselling for severe depression and anxiety.
My solicitor sent me 4 templates of letters to go to legal aid board and I had to choose which suited my position best, at the time my counselling hadn't started so I'd only been in touch with a metal health nurse from my GP surgery. I chose the right template and sent it to her which she filled in and I sent back to my solicitor along with 3 months bank statements to show I wasn't in a position to pay for representation. I was advised that the decision could take a couple of weeks so I'd have to either pay the solicitor or represent myself. I chose to borrow money from my family and pay. After 3 weeks they asked for more info about my bank statements as I'd had cash deposited into my account twice, I had to explain that they were loans from my family to help with legal fees. Then 2 weeks after that they asked for information that they'd already had so that slowed everything down. Finally after 6 weeks of waiting I got their decision. I was refused as my mental health nurse had told me to self refer to the counselors as it was the quickest way forward rather than her refer me. If she had referred me then I might have qualified. So after paying around 4 grand in legal fees for representation and for them to help with legal aid application I'm now in a load of debt and can no longer afford representation. Legal aid is not easy to get and if you earn over £700 a month then you automatically don't qualify. If you haven't been referred to counselling or anything then it's a no. You can't just say you've been abused you need proof and lots of it. It's not a given as I was lead to believe, only winner was my useless solicitor.

 

[Concerned-Dad]

So an update:

Ash has kindly helped me prepare a position statement.

Last night however there was another incident. I was busy with my son and didnt reply to her in a couple of hours.

I checked my phone and saw 9 missed calls and a bunch of in concurrent messages. I knew she was drunk as the messages made no sense at all.

I phoned her and she sounded drunk, and then she told me sorry but I done something bad. I said "whats that" she said she called the police on me for a welfare check.

The police came round and everything was fine.

The police talked to her on the phone and explained I was there alone with the baby completely sober. For some reason she thought I was off out with another girl having a drink. I have no idea why she thought that other than her insecurity which shes shown in the past when drinking.

There is absolutely no reason for her to think that because I didnt answer her for a couple of hours, and doing "another" welfare check for no reason at all is just ridiculous.

I dont even drink to be honest, do occasionally but havent for months and she knows that so it mystifies me what she thinks they would find

 

[Concerned-Dad]

Just a little info on legal aid that I've encountered over the last few months. I was advised to claim it by my solicitor as I'd been in an abusive relationship and am receiving counselling for severe depression and anxiety.
My solicitor sent me 4 templates of letters to go to legal aid board and I had to choose which suited my position best, at the time my counselling hadn't started so I'd only been in touch with a metal health nurse from my GP surgery. I chose the right template and sent it to her which she filled in and I sent back to my solicitor along with 3 months bank statements to show I wasn't in a position to pay for representation. I was advised that the decision could take a couple of weeks so I'd have to either pay the solicitor or represent myself. I chose to borrow money from my family and pay. After 3 weeks they asked for more info about my bank statements as I'd had cash deposited into my account twice, I had to explain that they were loans from my family to help with legal fees. Then 2 weeks after that they asked for information that they'd already had so that slowed everything down. Finally after 6 weeks of waiting I got their decision. I was refused as my mental health nurse had told me to self refer to the counselors as it was the quickest way forward rather than her refer me. If she had referred me then I might have qualified. So after paying around 4 grand in legal fees for representation and for them to help with legal aid application I'm now in a load of debt and can no longer afford representation. Legal aid is not easy to get and if you earn over £700 a month then you automatically don't qualify. If you haven't been referred to counselling or anything then it's a no. You can't just say you've been abused you need proof and lots of it. It's not a given as I was lead to believe, only winner was my useless solicitor.

Yes it does seem hard for males to claim.

Im not working now so will fit that part and the health visitor did want to refer me for counselling. However it hasn't happened yet. Would a health visitor refferal count do you think?

 

[SJP]

Yes it does seem hard for males to claim.

Im not working now so will fit that part and the health visitor did want to refer me for counselling. However it hasn't happened yet. Would a health visitor refferal count do you think?

It would be best to get as much help offered as possible, the problem is that most counselling services have a very long waiting time, I was quoted 5 months at first but they had to reduce that because of the state I was in, the Legal Aid board are very strict and have very strict criteria. If any evidence isn't worded correctly then they will refuse. I would find as much info as you can as even the government website makes it seem easy but it really isn't. I could send you the templates I was sent if you want to private message an email address. You read through and choose whichever suits your situation best, the more the better I would say