Advice What can I do???

[Peanut 21]

Unfortunately and annoyingly it's not that simple for a parent to apply for:
1) guardian
2) psychologist
3) independent sw

The courts allocate funds for this so there needs to be enough time passed to show a pattern of behaviour.

My partner has had to wait over 4 years for a judge to order a guardian/solicitor for his children to represent them.
When he requested an independent sw before a guardian was ordered (one I wouldn't recommend now) the judge denied it.
I think cafcass need to be involved first with a s7 under your belt.
Also, Cafcass are reluctant to use the term PA until a psychologist has said it.

 

[DB2021]

Unfortunately and annoyingly it's not that simple for a parent to apply for:
1) guardian
2) psychologist
3) independent sw

The courts allocate funds for this so there needs to be enough time passed to show a pattern of behaviour.

My partner has had to wait over 4 years for a judge to order a guardian/solicitor for his children to represent them.
When he requested an independent sw before a guardian was ordered (one I wouldn't recommend now) the judge denied it.
I think cafcass need to be involved first with a s7 under your belt.
Also, Cafcass are reluctant to use the term PA until a psychologist has said it.

Totally agree Peanut.

I got from my hearing that judge didn’t want to order anything but the independent sw is a self funded thing so it’s wrong that they take so long to agree to one.

It’s written In my interim order that he will look at a guardian if there is no improvement so that’s a plus.

I’ve just got to see what happens without these interventions I will lose my little girl completely

 

[Peanut 21]

At least the Judge has planted a seed for a guardian.

 

[DB2021]

At least the Judge has planted a seed for a guardian.

Yeah fingers crossed.

And there has been no improvement so far it’s actually worse with what my little girl is saying to me so whilst I’m looking forward to Theraplay and hopefully it helps in a way I don’t want things to improve before next hearing because the main thing here is getting my daughter help from what is being done to her and exposing my ex and her behaviour and the inept handling of things by sw and only shot I have of that is having someone else looking into things.

Ex infront of people now is playing the whiter than white act it’s repulsive and sending me the odd photo etc to make it look like she’s trying her best but in my mind if ex and her family were doing all the could there would have been improvement by now things wouldn’t have got worse

 

[DB2021]

So had the first session of Theraplay.

And it wasn’t good at all humiliating tbh.

Little one wouldn’t engage at all and looks and speaks to me with such disgust. I was the only parent there whose little one was like that all the others were absolutely fine.

I do get that it’s the first one and it may get better but somehow I don’t expect it will the behaviour seams to be so ingrained into my little one now it’s just the norm for her.

I guess my biggest worry is that if they do write a report that it could actually end up being negative for me not a help. As the people doing it seam to be all about parents managing emotions etc which I have no chance of doing as things stand. When it finished women was straight to ex saying there wasn’t much engagement today but it was only first session. But before we went in she invited ex in the room which baffled me luckily she didn’t come in but it shows that these people have no idea of what is actually happening.

I do wonder though if I’m over thinking things and I am happy to take the humiliation because all I care about is my little girl and want to do everything I can to help her but it all just feels like sw is setting me up to have more evidence to blame me for the way things are. As it’s clear she doesn’t think I’m a good parent and it’s my parenting skills that are to blame.

 

[Ash]

It was to be expected partly as what these ex's do is "prepare" the child before the meeting. At further sessions she may get distracted enough that she forgets to be rude. Or you could have a word with the woman running the theraplay and say - perhaps you could do something with me, with daughter. She can't be rude to both of you!

 

[DB2021]

It was to be expected partly as what these ex's do is "prepare" the child before the meeting. At further sessions she may get distracted enough that she forgets to be rude. Or you could have a word with the woman running the theraplay and say - perhaps you could do something with me, with daughter. She can't be rude to both of you!

Tbh she wasn’t rude to the lady’s doing the session.

She just wouldn’t do anything with me at all the little games they had she just would move away and sit elsewhere and if I tried to speak to her I just got ignored and looked at with complete hatred.

The lady’s did try to get her to engage with me but she just stayed silent with them but she would engage with them when they did the games with her.

I just worry that it will look like I can’t do it if that makes sense and that I am the problem. But little one just won’t engage at all on any level with me no matter what I try.

I’d hoped that a group thing may help her settle but it makes it harder to get advice and help when the lady’s are dealing with everyone.

 

[Ash]

That's why I was suggesting you ask the lady to do an activity with you that little one is part of - so she can't act out like that if the lady is involving you in a game or whatever and your daughter is expected to take part.

 

[Ash]

I always thought play therapy was just for the child and the people running it eked things out of them as part of the process and write a report. This theraplay doesn't quite sound like "play therapy" in that sense.

 

[DB2021]

I always thought play therapy was just for the child and the people running it eked things out of them as part of the process and write a report. This theraplay doesn't quite sound like "play therapy" in that sense.

Yeah that’s what I thought but it’s definitely not that.

You just sit in a room on the floor each little one with there parent (my little one wouldn’t even introduce me as her dad) and then they do a couple of daft games like touch them with a cotton ball and they have to guess where u touched.

I’ve read the leaflet and it’s something that is used to call kids down or find ways to help that it has nothing to do with them working with my little one to try and help find out what’s going on.

Tbh it’s going to be a waste of time which is where my worries are coming from as to me sw has got me doing something which insinuates it’s my parenting.

 

[Ash]

At least she can still see you're still around and haven't disappeared. It matters.

 

[DB2021]

At least she can still see you're still around and haven't disappeared. It matters.

Ohhh yeah I didn’t mean to sound bad saying I think it’s going to be a waste of time more just it wasn’t what I thought it was and i highly doubt these women will pick up on what’s happening.

I just hope always being around shows my little one that I care and it somehow gets through to her. Hardest thing is knowing just what she’s going through and how tough it must be for her.

 

[Peanut 21]

Are you able to email the people at the theraplay? Just so you can ask for advice and use it as evidence in court that you're trying everything?

 

[DB2021]

Are you able to email the people at the theraplay? Just so you can ask for advice and use it as evidence in court that you're trying everything?

I could try that’s a good idea Peanut .

I’ll maybe ask @Ash for some advice on what to write and how to write it but definitely something to look into

 

[Peanut 21]

It's a case of letting these therapy sessions play out and then seeing what's next.

It would be great if the Judge ordered a guardian.
I was looking at court costs of appointing a guardian and as it's public money, I can see why they have to have a really good reason to appoint one.

 

[DB2021]

It's a case of letting these therapy sessions play out and then seeing what's next.

It would be great if the Judge ordered a guardian.
I was looking at court costs of appointing a guardian and as it's public money, I can see why they have to have a really good reason to appoint one.

Yeah I’m happy to do that and will do anything they offer. It’s just frustrating that sw clearly is trying to use a narrative where my parenting is the problem it angers me so much.

Yeah I know and I’ll be going into the hearing with everything crossed luckily judge has written he will look at a guardian if no improvement and there’s hasn’t been it’s got worse and what my little one is saying to me it’s clear she is in full rejection mode despite sw claiming she isn’t. It’s baffling how these professionals are even allowed anywhere near kids they haven’t got a clue or do and are just that sexist and biased which myself and plenty of other dads are all to aware of.

 

[winger]

The fact you are even there DB speaks volumes, you are trying your hardest to fix things, and these people will see that. What you're going through is so so hard and most of the other people there won't have seen it before, they will see you are trying. I agree email the Theraplay people, try maybe to arrange more one on one help, explain it would really help your daughter.

 

[DB2021]

The fact you are even there DB speaks volumes, you are trying your hardest to fix things, and these people will see that. What you're going through is so so hard and most of the other people there won't have seen it before, they will see you are trying. I agree email the Theraplay people, try maybe to arrange more one on one help, explain it would really help your daughter.

Thanx winger I appreciate that mate.

Sadly I don’t think they will see it there so biased it’s untrue any normal human being would see this as worrying and not normal but not the people I’m dealing with all just point things at me judge is only option for things to change.

They won’t offer me one on one help they’ve already told me that I asked for that originally but sw said this theraplay I’m doing is what there offering and she’s gone above and beyond already in the support she has offered

 

[Ash]

Don't get defeatist yet DB The Judge said he might consider a Guardian - the Guardian won't be the social worker. There is hope.

 

[DB2021]

Don't get defeatist yet DB The Judge said he might consider a Guardian - the Guardian won't be the social worker. There is hope.

I’m not defeatist Ash but realistic after the experiences so far.

I wasn’t including the judge in what I wrote that was about sw Cafcass etc I do know he could order a guardian which is what is needed.

But I think as hard as it is we do have to prepare ourselves for the worst given the system we have to deal with so if the worst does happen we can stay strong enough to continue and be there further down the line if that’s what happens.

Even at my worst times I won’t ever give up yes I’ll have moments where I’ll say things that may seem that way but the only way that would ever happen is if I’m no longer here.

Coming on here soon gets me out of that low mood with the support of the amazing dads and partners of dads that have offered so much advice and support over the last 18 months it’s been humbling to say the least.