Advice What can I do???

[DB2021]

It's what they do.
In my partners case the judge has ordered a family psychological assessment. Who has refused to engage? You guessed it. Mother.

Yeah I know ex and SW are so determined not to have anyone else speak with my little girl makes you wonder doesn’t it.

I’ll just bide my time and hope that the judge does see sense and orders something so that the truth can come out.

 

[Chi22]

It's what they do.
In my partners case the judge has ordered a family psychological assessment. Who has refused to engage? You guessed it. Mother

Not surprising is it?

I think that the thing all these early analyses (before the introduction of more senior social workers/guardians) is their focus on what they believe is a fractured relationship between the parents.

The basis of thesr situations (mine included) is the the mother has no intention of ensuring the father is involved in his children's lives irrespective of the damage done to the child.

It's outrageous that they are allowed to get away with it.

 

[Ash]

It is most certainly outrageous.

 

[DB2021]

So another little update.

Saw my little girl this morning to give her her presents but as it was on her birthday she didn’t want mine but was happy to take her auntys and open them.

Didn’t want to speak to me and was hostile throughout the 45mins I was with her. Had to see her at a pub as she won’t come to mine and I certainly wouldn’t go to there’s.

She made some hurtful statements mainly “I’m not her dad anymore and ex’s partner is” and she openly said she wants ex’s new partner to be her dad now. Ex did say I will always be her dad but just made little say she doesn’t want me to be.

There is no real progress other than I can actually be in my little girls presence but bar that there is no change she still has so much hostility and nastiness towards me and it does just feel like ex is acting the part but deep down I know she’s doing nothing to help the situation.

I’m going to email SW with an update on how things have been over last week or so as she asked for this but sadly for me I don’t see anything positive to tell her. People will say well at least your getting to see her but in reality yes I am but for no more than 30/40mins at a time and nothing I say or do gets a nice response from my little girl.

Whether I’ll be able to salvage any real relationship with my little one I don’t know but at the minute it certainly isn’t moving forward in any way.

 

[DB2021]

Any advice on what to send SW would be great.

 

[Ash]

I can PM you on that if you like. You've been here before and your daughter has been like this before - and you know it can wear off. Sadly the only way it can wear off is if she is either away from her Mother's influence, or the Mother is scared enough by the courts, to stop doing it. ie if a Judge gave her a roasting and told her if she doesn't stop it she'll lose residence.

You also know how happy and pleased to see you, your daughter was, when ex wasn't there. She has been told this and told to say this. My ex tried the same when my son was that age and he insisted I wasn't his Dad and Stepdad was his "real Dad". Because ex told him that. The difference was I was still getting normal time with him at home and he was still close to me, despite saying these things. I told him that wasn't correct and I am his Dad. He said no you're wrong because Mummy told me. In the end I showed him his birth certificiate and he then realised, sadly, that his Mother had told him something that wasn't true.

 

[DB2021]

I can PM you on that if you like. You've been here before and your daughter has been like this before - and you know it can wear off. Sadly the only way it can wear off is if she is either away from her Mother's influence, or the Mother is scared enough by the courts, to stop doing it. ie if a Judge gave her a roasting and told her if she doesn't stop it she'll lose residence.

You also know how happy and pleased to see you, your daughter was, when ex wasn't there. She has been told this and told to say this. My ex tried the same when my son was that age and he insisted I wasn't his Dad and Stepdad was his "real Dad". Because ex told him that. The difference was I was still getting normal time with him at home and he was still close to me, despite saying these things. I told him that wasn't correct and I am his Dad. He said no you're wrong because Mummy told me. In the end I showed him his birth certificiate and he then realised, sadly, that his Mother had told him something that wasn't true.

Hi Ash.

Yes I’d appreciate that if you have the time.

It is definitely because mum is there that she behaves this way it’s so obvious but at the minute I have no other option as if I say I don’t want mum there then I don’t see her at all.

Ex is speaking to her about things also as today she said she doesn’t want to see my sister now despite saying many times over last few weeks she does. Little one said it’s because my sister is a liar over the getting rid of the rabbits thing so ex has clearly been saying stuff to her.

Ex did say to her when she said about me not being her dad anymore that I’ll always be her dad but u can tell it’s nothing more than an act when I’m there and when I’m not I dread to think what’s been said.

I know there’s not a lot I can do at the minute and just have to hope the next hearing goes my way otherwise I’ll be pretty much defeated I think

 

[Ash]

Hang in there. There is still the family assistance person to get involved. Any report they write will be evidence too.

What you really need at the next hearing is a good barrister. Try applying to We are Advocate.

 

[DB2021]

Hang in there. There is still the family assistance person to get involved. Any report they write will be evidence too.

What you really need at the next hearing is a good barrister. Try applying to We are Advocate.

I’m not sure the Family Assistance person will be involved as ex has withdrawn her consent because she doesn’t want her speaking to little one.

I’ll have a look at that thanx ash

 

[DB2021]

Hi all.

Can I ask for everyone’s advice.

So I’m seeing my little girl today at soft play. Ex text last night saying little one wanted her sister to come which I agreed to as I didn’t see an issue with it but I’m now sat here with not just her sister here but ex her partner and the other kids.

I’m seriously pissed off as I didn’t agree for him to be here and the whole point of me seeing my little girl is to try and re build my relationship yet now there is zero chance of her even acknowledging me with the fact there all here.

I’m not going to say anything whilst I’m here but I feel I need to email her something later as my time with my little one should not be spoilt by my ex thinking it’s okay to turn up with her partner.

Does anyone have any ideas of what I should write?

 

[DB2021]

So I have decided to leave not sure if that was the right decision but I’ve just spent the last hour being ignored and watching my little girl all over exs partner.

Now don’t get me wrong I have no issue with the fact he is in my little girls life I understand people get into new relationships but to me what my ex did today again just shows the arrogance of her.

today has been a real kick in the guts and was the hardest hour I’ve had to deal with.

To be sat on my own ignored completely by my little girl whilst they all act like a big happy family has really cut me deep and the saddest part is I’m happy for them to have that closeness but it’s very clear that at the minute I’m no longer even a thought in my little girls world and that hurts more than anything.

 

[Ash]

Really sorry to hear that DB. Were there any witnesses to this? Your little girl will be feeling very confused. I'll just say though that this will be normal for her. They do much better seeing their parents separately so they can adjust between lifestyles. I had the bizarre experience of bumping into stepdad and son at a social thing once - we were both surprised to see each other. My son acted completely differently and sat on Stepdad's knee the whole time because he was in that world at that time. He only came over to me when stepdad suggested it. It was very surreal. Yet when my son was with me and his other family weren't there, it was as if they didn't exist! Their young brains have to cope with different attachments at different times.

Your ex did this to hurt you. You need to record this in writing so you can use it as evidence. Perhaps email SW and copy in ex.

This was totally inappropriate of your ex and wasn't agreed. You were ambushed! Ok so your daughter will be enjoying a family environment (I went through that too) but things can all go wrong in families sometimes and then they need you. I had a period where my son did nothing but talk about his other family and couldn't wait to get back to them. It didn't last long.

 

[DB2021]

Really sorry to hear that DB. Were there any witnesses to this? Your little girl will be feeling very confused. I'll just say though that this will be normal for her. They do much better seeing their parents separately so they can adjust between lifestyles. I had the bizarre experience of bumping into stepdad and son at a social thing once - we were both surprised to see each other. My son acted completely differently and sat on Stepdad's knee the whole time because he was in that world at that time. He only came over to me when stepdad suggested it. It was very surreal. Yet when my son was with me and his other family weren't there, it was as if they didn't exist! Their young brains have to cope with different attachments at different times.

Your ex did this to hurt you. You need to record this in writing so you can use it as evidence. Perhaps email SW and copy in ex.

This was totally inappropriate of your ex and wasn't agreed. You were ambushed! Ok so your daughter will be enjoying a family environment (I went through that too) but things can all go wrong in families sometimes and then they need you. I had a period where my son did nothing but talk about his other family and couldn't wait to get back to them. It didn't last long.

Well there’s was plenty of people there but no one with me so I guess there wasn’t any witnesses as such.

Both ex and her partner did try a couple of times to get her to come and speak to me but this was ignored and it was only a half arsed attempt to make it look like there trying.

 

[DB2021]

It is clear that my little girl doesn’t view me as a part of her family at the minute which I understand to a point and she’s behaving in a way that she believes is normal with regards to there family environment.

I tried so many times to speak to her and play with her and she just ignored me and a second later starts playing with exs partner. Nothing I do works she has just completely shut down with me.

 

[bujanin]

It is clear that my little girl doesn’t view me as a part of her family at the minute which I understand to a point and she’s behaving in a way that she believes is normal with regards to there family environment.

I tried so many times to speak to her and play with her and she just ignored me and a second later starts playing with exs partner. Nothing I do works she has just completely shut down with me.

I really admire your resolve.

There is a condition known as psychological splitting. When kids are in a happy family they are living with parents whose personalities will inevitably be totally different but b/c there is harmony they can bounce fluidly between the parents and adjust to each personality. In post separation circumstances it can be a mind f*** for kids to have to bounce between two parents who are feuding. So they hedge their bets. They just don't have the ability to cope with this complicated set up. I'm not coping well with a similar, although not as brutal, situation so I keep trying to remember this myself.

Keep powering on DB.

 

[Ash]

It is clear that my little girl doesn’t view me as a part of her family at the minute which I understand to a point and she’s behaving in a way that she believes is normal with regards to there family environment.

I tried so many times to speak to her and play with her and she just ignored me and a second later starts playing with exs partner. Nothing I do works she has just completely shut down with me.

That's because she has two families so no you're not part of "that" family and she couldn't process it. Plus your ex had probably instructed her before she got there.

 

[DB2021]

Hi all.

So saw my little girl tonight and again zero progression her anger and hostility just seams to be getting worse. Repeatedly telling me I’m not her dad anymore and also that she’s being told by ex partner that she won’t get told off for speaking to me badly ex obviously said to her stop lying but little one kept saying it was true.

I just no longer know what to do I try so hard when I’m there but nothing works, sw constantly goes on about my parenting saying that needs to be worked on because when I’m with my little one she just won’t respond to me other than telling me to shut up etc mum is there aswell as only way I can even see my little one at the minute. but not once have they even wondered how a little girl went from loving her dad and openly expressing she wanted to spend more time with me and overnights to overnight how things are now.

I know there’s very little I can do at the moment until the next hearing but all this really has broken me.

I have a CIN meeting this week and I’m going to bring up the above as I’m tired of sw saying about my parenting. She always says we can’t purport blame yet with what she is saying it’s obvious she is blaming me all the while not even remotely concerned about how my little girls behaviour towards me has changed so dramatically.

I just feel so lost with all this.

 

[winger]

Hi all.

So saw my little girl tonight and again zero progression her anger and hostility just seams to be getting worse. Repeatedly telling me I’m not her dad anymore and also that she’s being told by ex partner that she won’t get told off for speaking to me badly ex obviously said to her stop lying but little one kept saying it was true.

I just no longer know what to do I try so hard when I’m there but nothing works, sw constantly goes on about my parenting saying that needs to be worked on because when I’m with my little one she just won’t respond to me other than telling me to shut up etc mum is there aswell as only way I can even see my little one at the minute. but not once have they even wondered how a little girl went from loving her dad and openly expressing she wanted to spend more time with me and overnights to overnight how things are now.

I know there’s very little I can do at the moment until the next hearing but all this really has broken me.

I have a CIN meeting this week and I’m going to bring up the above as I’m tired of sw saying about my parenting. She always says we can’t purport blame yet with what she is saying it’s obvious she is blaming me all the while not even remotely concerned about how my little girls behaviour towards me has changed so dramatically.

I just feel so lost with all this.

Didn't you say before that your daughter is different when she's away from her mum?

I can't imagine how hard this must be, just try to remember it's really not her, she is being completely manipulated, the fact she's being told things to tell you, and that she won't be told off for speaking badly of you, it's so clear what is happening. Stay strong keep to the process, things will get better, your daughter will be herself again, she just needs time with you, away from mum. It will happen.

 

[DB2021]

Hey all.

So I’ve heard back about Theraplay and good news is it’s starting next week and it’s for 6 sessions. Only thing is it’s a group thing supposedly they no longer offer individual one.

I just wondered if anyone has actually done Theraplay and if so what should I expect from it?

Just want to make sure I go into it fully prepared as SW continues to speak about it as if it’s to help with my parenting and to learn how to handle my little ones outbursts and emotions etc.

 

[Ash]

I think it's better if it's a group. Your little one will be able to act more normally in a group and have more distraction. I haven't experienced it but it's sometimes ordered when there has been parental alienation - it's probably exactly what it says - play therapy. A kind of therapy that involves play so the child doesn't realise it's therapy. It's also a way for whoever is leading it, to ascertain certain things about the child's behaviour - which could be helpful if they write a report.