Guest viewing is limited

Advice please!

B

Busydad1985

Well-known member
Member
Hey folks,

Im in my 20 week period of the divorce period, which ends on 23rd May, and ive been working with my solicitor to prepare to exchange voluntary Form E's on friday this week.

Ive tried on multiple occasions to speak with my stbx about child arrangements, and we have an interim arrangement in place while we live under the same roof, whereby I have my time with the kids and she has hers on alternating days. Weekends also alternate and it works out around a 50/50 split. THe children also frequently ask to spend time with me and I am accused of being the "fun" parent by the ex, because I actually engage and do things with them. She does not.

Since the split in December 24, on multiple occasions she has locked me out of the home, conveniently leaving her keys in the door so I cannot open the front door from the outside, claiming she "forgot" she left them in the door (I smell BS!). Add to that various occasions where ive heard things from my children that have taken me completely by suprise eg - my son telling my parents "Daddy does drugs" and "the Divorce is Daddies fault". These things are coming from innocent children's mouths, and its made me realise she is whispering lies in their ears when I am not around. Needless to say these things are utter nonsense and I have never been violent, taken drugs or done anything other than do my best to be a good husband and father.

Ive also been going to counselling, where ive been advised it sounds like I was being abused in the relationship - something thats hit me pretty hard, as I never even realised it (mentioned it was emotional and financial abuse).

On 4 separate occasions I have asked to sit down and talk about the future arrangements for time with the children, each time she has refused and said that she will only discuss this when we have reached a financial settlement. The last letter from her solictor stated "my client and your client will address matters relating to children between themselves".

My concern is that she will move the goalposts when she knows what equity she will get from the sale of the home, and use that money to fight me in family court if I dont agree to her schedule for the kids (she believes I should only be a weekend dad) - im becoming fearful of her making false accusations in future and potentially preventing me from seeing my children when the finances are squared away.

So....I think I am going to halt the financial process until we can sit down and agree something - I will play hardball. Do I need to file a c100 and start the long and painful process here? Or would mediation help protect my rights?

My kids are 10 & 8. so not too far off of being old enough to state thier wishes, is it better to roll the dice and save myself the added years of battling through court? Im stuck!
 
I expect others will be able to give a more accurate answer than this but have you considered going to your local authority domestic abuse team? If it’s already being suggested that you are a victim then it might be prudent to “get in there first”.
The biggest mistake I made in my breakup was declining to press charges when the police got involved. I thought I was being reasonable and being the bigger person but my ex went to the local authority DV people the very next day and made a load of false allegations and bam… she’s the victim, I’m the perpetrator and she gets everything on legal aid. When she was later reported for harassment it said in the police report that “referral to LADV services not appropriate as the suspect is already under their care”.
 
Yes get the C100 in. You need to have tried mediation first and been signed off. Ideally you want the child arrangements finalised before the finances are completed, or yes she will try and maximise child maintenance and use the kids as leverage for a financial settlement.

Have you actually had any mediation (a MIAM? Which is the first appointment on your own) or just been discussing privately?

Are you still living in the same house? Don't move out without a Child Arrangements Order in place - that's our usual advice.

The 10 year old's wishes "might" be taken seriously but there is always the argument that the child's best interests override their expressed wishes. When does the 10 year old turn 11? I wouldn't waste any time.
 
No mediation yet but I’m going to get that going ASAP, and interesting points about the local DA team - feels a little odd for me to even be talking about abuse, it was the counsellor that opened my eyes to it all if I’m honest!

Still living in the same house, and I am paying for everything as I was in the marriage - I’ve been sleeping on a sofabed in my garden office since December 9th last year. I should be moving back into the spare room as my stepdaughter (24) moved out last weekend, despite my stbx insisting that I shouldn’t be allowed in the house.

Life at home is a living hell at the moment - but I will NOT be screwed over any longer. And I’m not moving out until the house is sold and we both need to move out.
 
For clarity, you will need a miam for both, child arrangements order and financial order, the form A kick start financials route to form e and it states on there and a box tick about having the miam certificate
 
I'd just do the MIAM for Child Arrangements right now. Google family mediators in your area, phone round them and take the first appointment you can get. Some will do it at 24 hours notice. Book your MIAM. DO NOT tell the ex you are going for a MIAM.

The MIAM is just on your own - Mediation, Information and Assessment meeting. You tell them what's what. They explain mediation. They then ask if you want to invite the ex to mediation. You give the go ahead. The mediator contacts the ex and invites her. If she ignores/cancels any appointment made/keeps delaying, then ask to get signed off and put your C100 in.

The only legal requirement to submit a C100 is to have attended a MIAM (whether mediation takes place or not).

The reason I say don't tell her is because she may realise you're thinking of applying to court once she knows you're starting mediation, and my try to pre-empt you. Eg by getting a mediation sign off of her own claiming DA and saying mediaiton isn't suitable - and then get her own C100 in first - which would wrong-foot you. You would then be the respondent rather than the applicant.
 
Solid ad
Ash said:
I'd just do the MIAM for Child Arrangements right now. Google family mediators in your area, phone round them and take the first appointment you can get. Some will do it at 24 hours notice. Book your MIAM. DO NOT tell the ex you are going for a MIAM.

The MIAM is just on your own - Mediation, Information and Assessment meeting. You tell them what's what. They explain mediation. They then ask if you want to invite the ex to mediation. You give the go ahead. The mediator contacts the ex and invites her. If she ignores/cancels any appointment made/keeps delaying, then ask to get signed off and put your C100 in.

The only legal requirement to submit a C100 is to have attended a MIAM (whether mediation takes place or not).

The reason I say don't tell her is because she may realise you're thinking of applying to court once she knows you're starting mediation, and may try to pre-empt you. Eg by getting a mediation sign off of her own claiming DA and saying mediaiton isn't suitable - and then get her own C100 in first - which would wrong-foot you. You would then be the respondent rather than the applicant.
Click to expand...
Solid advice thank you - I’ll be reaching out to the mediators I know in my area, already had them on standby in case I needed them so I’ll get my MIAM booked in and go from there
 
Wow, my situation is so similar to yours.

Like you, we live in the same house, but despite being the sole owner and covering all the expenses, I stay in the garage conversion.

I also experienced being locked out due to a safety chain being put on. After knocking for a long time with no response, I broke the chain to enter (I do NOT recommend anyone do this). The next day, I received a harsh letter from my ex’s solicitor, claiming that both my ex and the child were traumatized and that they would be applying for a Non-Molestation Order. I responded, explaining that my access to the property was blocked, which is why I broke the chain. Thankfully, that issue has now been resolved.

There have been numerous false allegations police involvement, social services, abuse charities, and CAFCASS but none have found any concerns. However, the accusations keep coming.

Parental alienation is a major issue, and I'm no longer allowed to spend time with my child under the pretext that there is tension and that the child needs protection. Mediation also led nowhere.

I strongly recommend going through mediation and then proceeding with a child arrangement application.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top