Advice on trying to arrange something by Christmas

[Foglogger]

I figure at this point it's a foregone conclusion, right?
Already missed seeing them last Christmas, and have had almost no contact. Absolutely 0 contact the past 8 months. From what I've gathered, the only option is the C100 form online, but that's the one that's not really binding, that she can ignore any result without repercussion, right? Or not?
Though even if she abided, I imagine 2 weeks before Christmas isn't gonna be time for them to make a decision right?

Kinda lost here.

Lucky to have found this forum while Googling how to go about retrieving my phone after police confiscation. Spent the last 3 months on bail "under investigation" after ex claimed I raped her when she was 13...when I would have also been 13...10+ years before I met her...when I lived on the other side of the country. It's now finally "no further action", but I've just been doing literally nothing this whole time -- quit job, just sitting there watching weeks go by, expecting to be arrested and charged.

No idea what I'm doing, so any advice is appreciated. Just typing this out has been shit enough.

 

[Ash]

Hi there. C100 is the application to court for a Child Arrangements order, which, when you have one, is legally binding. However, as you say, you're not going to get one before Christmas. Unless, a slight possibility - do you happen to have a holiday booked? Even a week-end or overnight somewhere?

The main thing is though, if it's been 8 months and you do nothing, it'll be harder to get a Child Arrangements order - the court will think the longer you wait, you weren't that interested. So I'd get one in now. Assume mediation is out of the question - but you still need to attend a MIAM (first mediation appointment on your own) and ask to be signed off, because you need a mediation sign off to apply with a C100.

The good thing is you have the "no further action" before you submit the application - so that won't delay things as it's been dealt with.

There are resources on here for how to submit a C100 application, which I'll link below, but I would google family mediators in your area tomorrow, phone round them and get the earliest appointment you can for a MIAM.

How to complete the C100 Form

Feb 11, 2022

Guide to completing the C100 form

• Ash
• Applying to Court

Sample wording for C100 application

Jul 15, 2022

What to put in box 5b

• Ash
• Applying to Court

 

[Foglogger]

Thank you. I filled it out after the duty solicitor recommended going this route, but with the arrest hanging over things, never submitted.

Would the ex qualify for skipping mediation (and qualify for legal aid, to boot) due to claims of abuse? She originally, at break up, claimed I'd previously assaulted her by grabbing her arm, resulting in my arrest and removal from our home. Despite her admitting to police that she was in the process of throwing my electronics out of the window when the "grab" occurred.
I wasn't charged with anything, but social services decided to get involved and spent their time treating me as an abuser, refusing to speak to me unless i signed up for domestic abuse courses.

On the other hand, I've raised with police in interviews her abusive behaviour -- there was a police visit a few years before where she'd smashed a mug in my face and split my mouth open. Police arrived, i'd already packed my stuff to leave, they asked me about the injury and i shrugged and just left. But looking back, they should have surely investigated that, right? Plus the whole "throwing my stuff out the window"?

So...does she qualify for claiming domestic abuse here for it to be "signed off"? Do i? Do guys even get to claim that in these situations? How does it get applied in relation to the C100? Does someone need to be charged with the crime of domestic abuse for it to count?

 

[Ash]

It's very common for ex's to accuse DA. If both parents accuse each other of DA it can lead to a fact finding hearing, which would cause long delays in your case and cost a lot more too. Usually it's better not to accuse the ex of anything when the whole case is about getting an order to see your kids, not having a tit for tat about your ex and who was abusive.

It might seem like a defence, but it isn't - all they see is two parents warring and accusing each other. They always leave the kids with the Mother, so if they think parents are in conflict they can recommend minimum time with Dad to keep the kids out of conflict.

So the mantra on here is "don't say anything negative about the ex". Sound child focused and positive about future co parenting. This is a system you have to negotiate. You don't have to defend allegations your ex makes, they may be dropped if Cafcass decide it's just post separations stuff.

What is more concerning is social services deciding your abuser and asking you to go on DA courses. What did you say? ie did you agree or did you deny it.

 

[Foglogger]

Thanks for the advice, that makes sense.

With regards to SS: i spent months last year wrangling with them. They'd started proceedings without so much as contacting me, claiming my kids were "at risk" because of the aforementioned "abuse" incident.
The assigned social worker "asked" if I wanted to sign up for some kind of abuser's anonymous or whatever, and I explained that I didn't think it would be helpful: the incident had nothing to do with the children, I hadn't been aggressive, and took no other action than to prevent her destroying any more of my stuff.

She later wrote in her assessment that I was uncooperative and essentially "refusing to acknowledge my abuse".

Being marked like that has been soul destroying. At the time my ex was still in contact, and behaving as though SS involvement wasn't what she wanted, and that we just had to co-operate to get them off our backs, and that i should just agree to do as they say. But i couldn't agree to that. And obviously I was naive as christ to believe her...

 

[Ash]

Others have had the same. If you go to court for a Child Arrangements order and they do a Section 7 report, Cafcass will probably say social services have to do it because they've been involved before. Did you get "No further action" from the Police? If so SS are just believing what the ex told them. What you;ll want is a directions hearing where ex submits any allegations and you respond to them and hopefully the Judge will just dismiss them and decide a fact find isn't necessary. Unfortunately SS do seem very biased towards Mothers. Cafcass can be but can also be more balanced.

Why is your ex stopping you see your child - has she given any reason? Have SS got a Child in Need plan in place?

 

[Foglogger]

Yea, "no further action".
All contact stopped 8m ago. I think they had a "child in need" in place at the beginning of 2024, but the information they've given me is sparse, and the ex moved to a different county with the kids -- so the original county SS just dropped it and told me to contact the new county SS, who just ignored me, before saying the case was now closed and I'd have to contact the previous county SS for information (who directed me back to the new county SS...).

The last time I had my daughter, the ex came to pick them up super early. I told her to wait , and went back inside. She often showed up early like this. This time she let herself in to take my daughter, claiming I was abducting her. And that was the end of that.

 

[Ash]

Good - case closed. So you can move on from that. And NFA as well. So she claimed you were abducting your daughter and stopped her coming? That's when you should have had mediation/applied to court. They might ask you why you waited 8 months - how would you explain the reason for that? Were you trying to negotiate? How far away does your ex live now? Too far for midweek nights?

 

[Foglogger]

I just couldn't cope. The accusations, changing things at the last minute, blaming. I read back over messages over and over again like I've missed something, but it's always there: we agree on something, she changes her mind, and I'm left straggling begging for something else.

I hid away from it all. I couldn't bear it. I still can't. I've just lost too much at this point by being lost all the time.

I'd spoken to her early in the year about mediation, and the £500 free mediation funding or whatever -- she wasn't interested and kept pushing me to do as social services said with the abuser thing. I'd spoken to a free solicitor who'd said I'd basically be paying them to write letters to social services, and advised me to follow the council's complaints process. I looked up Dads4Justice, but the prices were outside my means.
It wasn't until the arrest 3 months ago that the duty solicitor told me about the C100 route. I'd finally pulled myself out of the hole I'd put myself in, asked again for contact for my son's birthday (again ignored) and then went round to her house a few days later. 5 minutes later police vans. I knocked, her sister answered (and shoved away my crying son), and she said she'd give my ex a call because she wasn't in. Then boom, arrest for stalking, rape, etc.

 

[Ash]

Ok so you say you've been attempting mediation and negotiation and not achieving anything and were advised to apply to court. Keep it simple.

 

[Peanut 21]

I think the first port of call is getting help for your mental health.
I think you should try a men's support group like Mankind.
You need to get yourself back on your feet physically and mentally to cope with what you're going through.
Do you have any friends or family who could support you?

Sadly SS and other organisations instantly believe women when they allege DV. They find it harder to believe men get abused so assume it's tit for tat when men accuse their ex of abuse.
The reason the police didn't charge your ex for assaulting you is probably because you didn't ask them to. It's a backwards system.