Advice on sticky situation?

[Anon10]

Hi all new too this forum just looking for some advice.

Split with my baby mum few years ago now, ever since it’s been very toxic more so on her half. I try to be the bigger person, tried for a good few years now to be civil and amicable with her but always ends up in never ending circles.

She doesn’t communicate at all with me about our son and when she does, I always have to ask and the input is very very minimal.

She has lied to me multiple times about our son, introduced him to her boyfriend and then allowed her boyfriend to sleep at her house after one time of meeting him, but I wasn’t allowed for months to have him sleep at my partners. Her mum smokes weed and I have smelt weed in the house multiple time upon drop off, but she denies it and denies her mum does it in the house. I do not trust her in the slightest. The list can go on and on, she doesn’t adequately care for him in my opinion, doesn’t brush his hair, clean face before school, clothes have smelt bad and looked like they haven’t been ironed in weeks. (I have proof of all this)

Just wondering what I should do going forward about custody or contacting some form of help? I have offered to go 50/50 custody with her but she has declined.

 

[Resolute]

This is just how I see it. I may be wrong.

Most of what you mention is very familiar. Neither me nor my ex have a new partner yet. The hypocrisy you are experiencing comes across on family, friends, order compliance, and holidays instead.

All of your other concerns have been identical in my case.

I get the impression that everything is informal for you at the moment. If so, I fear you will always be on the back foot.

My experience of Social Services was not good. They branded me malicious because I spoke to the NSPCC about neglect and the NSPCC made a referral. SS identified various failings on my ex's part - health, hygiene, dentistry, grooming... Somehow, I was still the problem in their eyes. Unless there is clear evidence of outrageously harmful behaviour, i.e. GBH or sexual abuse. I'd forget about the idea of contacting some form of help.

Don't throw stones!

Make an application to the family court and get a Child Arrangement Order. Great if this can be 50/50. If necessary, start where you can and build up from there.

 

[Anon10]

This is just how I see it. I may be wrong.

Most of what you mention is very familiar. Neither me nor my ex have a new partner yet. The hypocrisy you are experiencing comes across on family, friends, order compliance, and holidays instead.

All of your other concerns have been identical in my case.

I get the impression that everything is informal for you at the moment. If so, I fear you will always be on the back foot.

My experience of Social Services was not good. They branded me malicious because I spoke to the NSPCC about neglect and the NSPCC made a referral. SS identified various failings on my ex's part - health, hygiene, dentistry, grooming... Somehow, I was still the problem in their eyes. Unless there is clear evidence of outrageously harmful behaviour, i.e. GBH or sexual abuse. I'd forget about the idea of contacting some form of help.

Don't throw stones!

Make an application to the family court and get a Child Arrangement Order. Great if this can be 50/50. If necessary, start where you can and build up from there.

Sorry to hear you’ve had a poor experience with SS! Seems to be the norm now a days how bad they are.

Thing is I have set days with my son, I have him over night every other weekend (Friday evening - Sunday late afternoon) and then two days a week after school for a few hours. It’s more just the lack of communication, the bitterness, immaturity from her and so on.

At the stage now where I do not care for her other than she’s the mother to my child, don’t care what she’s doing, who’s she with etc my priority is my boy. Yet it just seems I’m the only one who can be mature and the bigger person. Don’t get wrong I can be petty and treat her how she treats me.

Thanks for the advice, I think I’ll steer clear of SS and maybe contact family court as you mentioned! I hope everything works out for you in the end!

 

[Resolute]

Are these set days in a court order?

If not, they won't necessarily count for much.

 

[Anon10]

Are these set days in a court order?

If not, they won't necessarily count for much.

Nope, just mutually agreed between us. Nothing has got as far as court.

 

[Resolute]

Might be a good idea to gather evidence demonstrating your informal arrangement before you invite your ex to mediation.

Some emails with the school, a subject access request to the GP...

There is every chance that your ex will make allegations against you, withhold the child so you have to fight for every inch, and give a very different account of the status quo since separation.

It becomes much harder to get evidence after your ex is on notice.

Members on here have been where you are now. Many have succeeded in solving similar problems. Get hints and tips from people who've gone before you. I recommend careful deliberation - softly, softly, catchee monkey.

 

[Peanut 21]

How old is your son?
Depending on his age I'd seriously consider the next steps.
As long as you're seeing your son, the other concerns you have, courts won't care about.
Court is costly and stressful and it aggrevates awkward people even more.

 

[Anon10]

He will be 6 this year. I have heard and been told the same thing about the courts, quite sad to hear that they don’t care about the “little” things.

 

[Peanut 21]

I'm not suggesting to not bother with court for a more formal arrangement but if you do, just be prepared for mud slinging.

 

[Jimi]

It might be worth you appying to court for an arrangements order then trying to arrange a schedule through mediation, which you have to do before proceedings.

However what tends to happen is your ex will look into it, find out she doesn't have to pay legal fees or do mediation if she claims domestic violence, so then she will claim domestic violence, even if it never happened, she's never mentioned it before and has no evidence.

The system will support and encourage her to do that. Then possibly stop you seeing your kid at all while they investigate. Which will take years and involved you being taken apart by cafcass man haters.

So what Resolute says above - FIRST get evidence to establish your current involvement and routine. What is it right now?

Realise that after years at court, alternate weekends, half holidays and an overnight midweek is best you will get. Fifty/fifty hardly ever happens without six figure legal bills or an ex who wants it.

If your ex is hostile, she will weaponise the child. It sounds like she already considers the child her property - that's standard for selfish mothers.

Forget about all the she does this and she did that. Unless its extreme and mortally dangerous to the child they don't give a shit if mum's doing it, and even then..... That is a one way street designed to discard fathers, not mothers.

If you can agree a schedule of contact between you, without getting into the system at all, then try to do so. And that means a regular contact schedule that you stick to. No contact with her except by email or through a parenting app.

Get your current evidence. Work out what time together you and your kid can live with, realistically. Then work out your strategy for mediation / court. Like apply for 50/50 knowing you'll take less.

Its a process. And its shit. And you will hate it. And she may well ignore it all in the end.

Welcome to our world.

 

[Ash]

I would just seeing your son as much as you can and try to keep things amicable at a distance if possible. The courts aren't going to do anything about her having a boyfriend staying over and it's very hard to prove her Mother smokes weed - and presumably her Mother doesn't live there. The way the courts see it is - she's the Mother - it's up to her to decide who is suitable to be around your child. Unless she is imprisoned or arrested as a danger to children, the courts won't do anything. All that will happen is she will make allegations about you to get legal aid and free lawyers and if you're both making allegations about each other it'll probably go to a fact find and the case could drag on for a very long time.

So I think you have a few options

1) Carry on as you are now and accept she's a pain but be whiter than white, don't get into any arguments and try and keep things amicable at a distance. Make the most of quality time with your son. If you do end up having to go to court at some point (eg if she stops you seeing your son) this will all stand you in good stead.

2) As 1 but if you have any serious concerns about harm to your son then really that means contacting social services - but be warned social services probably won't do anything unless your son is hospitalised with injuries - they are also biased towards Mothers. When people apply to court with safety concerns about a child, Cafcass don't believe them because they say "why didn't you go to social services".

3) Start mediation and apply to court for a more defined order, but she might make allegations.

I kept things going informally as long as I could and only applied to court when my ex stopped my son coming.

 

[Anon10]

I would just seeing your son as much as you can and try to keep things amicable at a distance if possible. The courts aren't going to do anything about her having a boyfriend staying over and it's very hard to prove her Mother smokes weed - and presumably her Mother doesn't live there. The way the courts see it is - she's the Mother - it's up to her to decide who is suitable to be around your child. Unless she is imprisoned or arrested as a danger to children, the courts won't do anything. All that will happen is she will make allegations about you to get legal aid and free lawyers and if you're both making allegations about each other it'll probably go to a fact find and the case could drag on for a very long time.

So I think you have a few options

1) Carry on as you are now and accept she's a pain but be whiter than white, don't get into any arguments and try and keep things amicable at a distance. Make the most of quality time with your son. If you do end up having to go to court at some point (eg if she stops you seeing your son) this will all stand you in good stead.

2) As 1 but if you have any serious concerns about harm to your son then really that means contacting social services - but be warned social services probably won't do anything unless your son is hospitalised with injuries - they are also biased towards Mothers. When people apply to court with safety concerns about a child, Cafcass don't believe them because they say "why didn't you go to social services".

3) Start mediation and apply to court for a more defined order, but she might make allegations.

I kept things going informally as long as I could and only applied to court when my ex stopped my son coming.

Many thanks for the reply and answer. Just a shame that it all goes that way and how corrupt it sounds.

She lives at her home with her mother she hasn’t moved out. I know it’s not a court matter about if her partner stays over with her, it’s more the fact I was told not to do one thing about having my son stay at my partners and respected that for months and months, but my son tells me that he stayed over in mummy’s bed. So I asked her about it and she admitted that it happened just after one time of my son and her partner meeting and then slept over less than a week later. Im over it now whatever it’s done it’s the past I can’t stop it.

But yes I will just keep doing what I’m doing by spending quality time I can get with my boy on our mutual agreement and do my best as a father to raise him as well. Once again thanks for your reply!

 

[Ash]

Yes that's the way it goes! One rule for her and one for you. My ex wouldn't agree to let my partner be involved for over a year. Eventually I had legal advice and they said - do it anyway and if she stops your son coming, apply to court. I was prepared to apply to court, and she did stop my son coming, but she backed down after 3 weeks as she didn't want to go to court. Things went ok for a while after that. I did end up in court eventually. But the more time you have under your belt, the easier court will be if and when you need to apply in future.