Advice on 50/50 Arrangements

[50dad50]

Hi, guys.

New member here, from Scotland. Hope I don't ramble too much but here's the main part of my story.

Split up from wife in March last year and I moved out. We have one child together - a 2 year old daughter. At first I was popping into the house every day to see her for an hour or two or to take her out for a few hours. My daughter and I have always had a great relationship.

As the months passed some issues inevitably started to surface and there were some hiccups regarding visitation but we made arrangements for me to see my daughter all day on Tuesday, all day on Thursday, and an overnight on Saturday until Sunday evening.

For about a year this was the norm and it worked well. It meant both parents could work and I was able to take my daughter to swimming lessons and toddler groups and so on. Great times.

For the most part my ex-wife was fine. Everything changed about three months back though.

I had been working zero-hour contract jobs and struggled to find work that would fit around my visitation with my daughter. My wife works for the nursing bank and so her shifts are flexible and nurses don't do too badly, plus she has the money coming in from the Scottish Welfare Fund, Best Start Grants, Child Benefit, and so on. She's in a decent financial position.

I was not, and when she secured a mortgage and moved house a couple of months back I decided to speak with a mortgage advisor myself on the off-chance. I was approved but on the condition I was working the full-time post rather than relief worker post I had at the time.

I applied for the full-time position and start tomorrow morning (November 01).

The issue is the shift pattern. I will be working a 4-on; 4-off pattern, split shifts, starting at 0700 and finishing at 2200 with an extended lunch period. No time for contact with daughter.

My proposal is that I work the four days and then pick up daughter on the morning of day 5, returning her on the evening of day 8. This would then be the pattern.

My ex-wife is not for this at all and in four weeks we are up in court for a hearing to discuss residency. Her arguement is that daughter is established in a fixed pattern and there should be no deviation from that.

My relationship with my daughter can never realistically be questioned. I was there for her first crawl, first steps, first most things, and have been active in nursery, swimming lessons, gymnastics classes and generally we just have a great time, I would say perhaps to the point that my ex-wife feels threatened by it. When daughter is with me her mother is never mentioned but I know from what ex-wife tells me that I do get mentioned by daughter when I'm not there.

Ex-wife is trying to make out that I often don't show up for visitation every now and then and give no notice but I'm not really worried about any of that - this can all be proved as false by text messages or third-parties. I have been discussing with my solicitor my desire to (perhaps naively) go back to our old communication style when we got on. I can't honestly put my finger on why the sudden change of attitude by ex-wife. She wasn't happy when she found out about my mortgage appointment and even less happy to discover I had the full-time position starting. Surely a win for me is a win for daughter? It would be better for everyone if both parents have happy lives of their own independent from each other.

I do just get a horrible feeling that the court system might favour things as they are and so my time will remain limited. There were occasions when daughter has come to stay with me for four days, three nights, and both ex-wife and I worried how daughter might be in this situation, would she perhaps pine for 'home', that sort of thing. But in truth we had a great time and on those occasions daughter has not wanted to go back to her mother's and I am told her mother struggles on those night to get her to sleep. Pumped after seeing dad for four days.

Daughter is robust, she's seen dad move out and move house a couple of times and now mum move house as well yet she hasn't missed a beat. She's excelling at nursery and she's objectively the best swimmer in the lessons we go to. By all accounts she is thriving.

What do you guys think?

Will this shift pattern ruin my chances of getting this sort of 50-50 arrangement (more like 57-43)?

Will the courts see daughter's thriving as evidence that contact should remain as close to as-is as possible?

Are the courts likely to hold 50-50 as a potential target but implement steps in the process to that and I have certain checkpoints I have to meet along the way?

Is 50-50 actually the best option for daughter in the grand scheme of things?

Will the courts see her age (turns 3 in February) as being too tender to be getting punted back-and-forth between two different houses?

I get that there are no definitive answers to any of these questions and I'm going to spend some time digging around the forum reading about experiences of members here, I guess I'm just looking for some reassurance that when I pick up daughter from nursery today that our next contact won't be too far away and that one day I will have a court document securing my visitation rights.

Thanks for giving this your time,

50dad50

 

[Anon3000]

There are a lot of positives in your post, and some that you probably don't even realise. For example, you have expressed your desire to 'go back' to a good relationship with your ex. This is really positive, it shows your desire to minimise conflict and co-parent. You haven't made any accusations against your ex, whereas she is attempting to make things up about you (not showing up for visitation) to paint you in a bad light. I suspect she is worried you have a case, particularly as you get on so well with your daughter.

The status quo is always a sticking point, but I would argue that your daughter is at an age where a stable routine that included small blocks of time with mum and dad is to her advantage. The current arrangement involves her being shunted back and forth each day (almost). Your daughter has spent 3 nights in a row with you and it went really well, there were no concerns from either parent.

Your daughter has a right to have an equal and loving relationship with BOTH parents.

How the court will see it is hard to judge. But put yourself in the best position now - be ultra polite and reasonable to her at all times, try and keep all comms in writing (and save them), and don't badmouth her to anyone who matters. Don't react to her, however tempting it is. Steel yourself for potential lies and false allegations. It may seem obvious but the simplest things can be really hard to stick to.

 

[50dad50]

There are a lot of positives in your post, and some that you probably don't even realise. For example, you have expressed your desire to 'go back' to a good relationship with your ex. This is really positive, it shows your desire to minimise conflict and co-parent. You haven't made any accusations against your ex, whereas she is attempting to make things up about you (not showing up for visitation) to paint you in a bad light. I suspect she is worried you have a case, particularly as you get on so well with your daughter.

The status quo is always a sticking point, but I would argue that your daughter is at an age where a stable routine that included small blocks of time with mum and dad is to her advantage. The current arrangement involves her being shunted back and forth each day (almost). Your daughter has spent 3 nights in a row with you and it went really well, there were no concerns from either parent.

Your daughter has a right to have an equal and loving relationship with BOTH parents.

How the court will see it is hard to judge. But put yourself in the best position now - be ultra polite and reasonable to her at all times, try and keep all comms in writing (and save them), and don't badmouth her to anyone who matters. Don't react to her, however tempting it is. Steel yourself for potential lies and false allegations. It may seem obvious but the simplest things can be really hard to stick to.

Thanks, Anon.

That's reassuring. Yeah - it's probably going to be a pretty tough November with slightly reduced contact but that's good advice: I'll make the very best of it and be on good terms with her mum, even if there are some allegations in the pipeline I don't know about yet.

Sometimes I think it's a no-brainer - of course I'll get 50-50, why would I not? But at other times I recall the horror stories I've heard about in the past and things start to look a lot darker.

The main issue I have is I just can't explain the sudden turnaround in her mood and motivation.

 

[Anon3000]

If your ex is anything like 99% of the exs on here, then her change in behaviour will be because she feels she is losing control. Many women seem to think they 'own' their children (I'm a woman) and the dad is a lesser being. So now you are getting your life together without her and asking for more time with your child...you become a threat to her. Her behaviour is likely to become more wacky as time goes on unfortunately so brace yourself.

My partner recently got 50/50 - it does happen. His mantra was that his son needed an equal relationship with both parents. Whereas hers was all about how awful dad was.

There are also horror stories. Prepare for the worst but hope for the best. Many on here don't like using solicitors and I can appreciate why. But for me and my partner our solicitor kept us strong when we had wobbles. The reassurance that we were in the right, and that the ex was not doing herself any favours really kept us going. Everyone is different but good legal advice through the process was really helpful for us. The problem is that it's not cheap, and it's not always good advice.

 

[50dad50]

Thanks, Anon. Some more solid advice.

My ex views me as a threat. Interesting. That's certainly worth some thought, like she fears the 50-50 arrangement as it means she is no longer in control.

Both the ex and I have solicitors. I am in receipt of full legal aid at the moment but when I start work tomorrow I'm not sure how this will change.

It was explained that at the court in 4 weeks' time it will be the ex with her solicitor, myself with my solicitor, and whoever it is that will be listening to the case. So five of us in a courtroom.

Your story with your partner could be how this meeting goes: I am there to offer my case for more visitation while ex rants about my shortcomings without any evidence to back them up.

Sounds like a nightmare and a waste of time.

Hopefully the judge / sherriff can keep the focus on the things that matter.

 

[Anon3000]

I think the first hearing is a bit of a waste of time. It certainly was in my partner's case. His ex brought an essay she had written and tried to read it out - they stopped her pretty quickly. It's just a hoop you have to jump through to get to the final hearing.

Control, or loss of, is a huge thing with the exes on here. They really ramp it up when they feel out of control. It sounds like your ex thinks she is one up on you with the majority custody and 'primary carer' status, new house, mortgage and steady job. Now you're catching up, putting yourself in a good position for more custody and she doesn't like it.

Good luck, keep us updated.