Advice needed

[ManMooth]

Hello everybody

It looks like I`m gonna become a single dad, my situation right is that I have to move out asap but whenever I like, also she said if we will not be able to get to a common agreement we will go to court.

I never experienced anything like this in my life, I`m asking for help/guidance on what should I do, how should I start all this, how should I deal with the upcoming challenges, what to expect next.

Any advice or help is much appreciated

Thank you

 

[Ash]

Hello. Firstly - don’t move out. Not until you have Child Arrangements in a court order. This doesn’t necessarily mean going to court (it can be done as a consent order after mediation if you both have a solicitor draw up a consent order and submit it to court). If your other half refuses mediation or a consent order then you can put an application in now - before you have to leave (if it comes to that ). But keep it close to your chest.

Secondly - be careful. Avoid getting into arguments or you could be accused of abuse. Keep a diary (email notes to yourself and change your email password). Video anything on your phone (discreetly) if your other half starts trying to incite an argument or verbally attacks you. Try and organise separate living areas in the house for now. Don’t be pressurised into moving out.

Thirdly - start mediation ASAP. First appointment is on your own. After that they invite your other half to attend. It might help resolve some things. If it doesn’t or she refuses mediation then you can be signed off mediation. You need that sign off form to be able to apply for a Child Arrangements order to protect your ongoing relationship with your children.

This scenario is very common - many Dads have been there and number one piece of advice is - don’t move out without a court order for Child Arrangements. An agreement (written or verbal) is not legal or enforceable. It needs to be an order. Once you have left you are at the mercy of your other half to be able to see the children at all - unless there is a court order. Meaning you can be open to being blackmailed financially or otherwise and your whole life controlled by her. That said - try your best to keep things calm and amicable (even if it means acting). And keep records of absolutely everything done and said from now on (the email diary - which is evidence for the future if needed - email is formally dated - either to support an application for Child arrangements or protect yourself from false allegations- or both ).

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. One thought - this is the time of year that lawyers love - divorce season post Christmas. Is there anything that can be resolved? It may be that if your other half has unilaterally decided she wants a divorce, she may be thinking she can have it all. Or keep the house, income and kids and just have you gone. Or at least she is trying for this. Hence protect yourself and don’t feel guilty. Parenting doesn’t end when a marriage does.

Right now you probably can’t see the wood for the trees - your thinking will be affected by the continuing familiarity of home and lifestyle etc.

So write this down. Again email it so it can’t be seen by anyone else:

1). Book an appointment for mediation. That first appointment is called a MIAM (Mediation Information and Assessment meeting ).
2. Don’t tell her about this appointment (or she may guess you might apply to court - there are plenty of Mum’s sites on the internet showing her the ropes- how to get rid of your H and keep the kids abd house !)

3. Act normal- if you can. Avoid getting into an argument.

4. Don’t despair - keep focused on protecting your future relationship with your kids. If it’s meant to work out with your other half it will - if not - life goes on but don’t lose your kids too.

5. Accept you are in a state of shock. Be careful. Don’t despair.

6. Try and keep “being useful “ as a Dad - eg di whatever you can with the kids at this stage - the school runs, helping with homework etc. Keep diary notes of this.

Moving on. And thinking ahead. If and when you move out, where would you go? Could you have the kids staying with you? Keep thinking like a parent. Could you afford to rent a one or two bedroom place? If you had to stay with family, is there a room for the kids as well?

Because to get the court order (whether by consent or otherwise ) you need to show you are being a parent and have a plan for the kids.

How old are your kids? Could they share a bedroom? Over 10, if different sexes - they’d each need their own room.

Try snd compartmentalise the emotions from the practicalities. Focus on the practicalities and solutions, allowing some time each day to have the emotions (even if only in your diary).

Being careful means going against what married life is normally like. Normally you would trust and share everything. From this point on you cannot trust - you are in different camps with different agendas. From this point on anything you say or do can be used against you - if your other half wants sole control and to be the prime parent.

So keep things close to your chest. If you are being bullied or intimidated into leaving , try and find a safe space to retreat to in the house. Record everything that happens.

Right now my advice would be book that mediation appointment now. And start filling in a C100 form to apply for a Child Arrangements order. The wording needs to be carefully done and we can help with that. So you have it all ready to post off ot submit at the drop of a hat. I say this because some men have gone to work one day and come home to find they are locked out and arrested on their driveway. Because the easiest way to get someone out is make an allegation and have them arrested - buys time for them and they use the arrest in court over child Arrangements.

Sorry - maybe you know your other half isn’t that bad. But helps to prepare for the worst case scenario.

Do you think she might be seeing someone else? If it’s a bit sudden? If not then taking or mediation might help to resolve things.

After your MIAM.

You should have your C100 completed and ready to send off. Before the mediator contacts your other half . Meanwhile you could suggest to your other half that mediation might help to resolve things and sorting things out is better for the kids etc. Gauge her reaction. When she’s invited to go to mediation- if she refuses point blank then get your sign off form from the mediator (could take a couple of weeks but if you say it’s urgent they can get it to you quicker). You can’t post the C100 without it - it forms a page of the application.

You can submit the application yourself and think about whether you want legal representation later.

If mediation goes ahead then depending on the kind of person your OH is if could be beneficial. A good mediator may point out to her that if you leave the courts do favour 50/50 shared care these days and the importance of the kids having regular and significant time with both parents and two stable homes.

Some women think they are the only parent.

Unfortunately the child support system encourages them to feel like that. Child Maintenance is worked out not just on income but by the number of nights the child is with the other parent. Less nights = more money for the Mother!

Most Dads find single parenting better than parenting when married however - they have a more full on involvement with the kids. And it’s not difficult. And doesn’t have to be perfect. Men and women have their own strengths and different skills as parents. And anyone can boil an egg eg.

I’ll stop now or you’ll get information overload. But most Dads want 50/50 shared care - to be with their kids as much as possible. Costs would be shared between you (and only one parent gets the government child benefits which are quite substantial).

 

[Ash]

Just to add though - usually the woman is wanting agreement on finances (and uses the kids as leverage !) and the man is wanting agreement re kids. Unless you can agree everything (not always possible) then you can try mediation to reach agreements. But if agreement is reached and she is not prepared to have that agreement legalised in a consent order, then be suspicious. Agreements mean nothing . They can be unilaterally changed overnight. “I’ve changed my mind”.

Put it like this - while you’re both still living there - if she receives court papers for a hearing for a 50:50 shared care order - that is leverage! And protects you ftom being fleeced financially. And it’s more likely to be reached by consent at first hearing - or her just agree to do a consent order rather than spend money on court. So strategy and being careful is needed - sadly.

Common situation. Man moves out. Within two weeks he is not allowed to see the kids unless he agrees to everything she wants financially via the divorce (which can take a long time). He can still apply to court but it will take months and meanwhile not seeing the kids who may have to been told all sorts about you. In worst cases, the ex accused abuse at court which delays things a lot more while investigations are carried out- it could be a year - not seeing kids.

Better scenario is. You have a child Arrangements order before you move out. Then you can take your time over sorting the divorce and finances (without being blackmailed or pressured to) and are able to have your kids with you regularly from the moment you move out.

If she happened to throw you out as soon as she got court papers then at least the application is akready in process abd you “got in first” with a reasonably worded child focused application . So if she then accuses anything it’s clear it’s retaliation.

 

[ManMooth]

Thank you for the quick reply

Tonight I will book an appointment for mediation.
She says she will let me see the child (3 months old) on weekends and I offered her child maintenance [£300, based on my income, £50 more) and she agreed on this. Now she is sending me text messages and telling me off, and how bad and useless I am/was which is not true, as I helped her on daily basis with whatever I could, from cooking to cleaning, taking care of the baby etc. and she just kept being rude and excusing herself because of the labour and hormones.
Because we argued a lot, on daily basis, many things were said and it`s just getting worse.
She seems to cooperate, but I know she can turn everything upside down in matter of seconds and I don`t trust her.
I might gonna need some help with that C100. thank you for help in advance.

Later Edit:

What is the legal procedure if we both can agree on what`s next?

 

[ManMooth]

I would like to go for 50/50 share, but she is way too young, right now I`m not in a position to plan for having her 3-4 days a week, I work shifts, weekends off...

A little bit confused on what would be the best for my child and me in this case

 

[Ash]

Your child’s age makes a big difference. Generally a court would only order about two hours a week- unless the Mother agrees to more. Until the age of two (this is because of a precedent that a Mother can breastfeed up to the age of two - which frankly is archaic). One Dad did get a full 50/50 order with a 7 month old but he was very confident and persistant and demonstrated he had been a full on hands on parent doing most of the childcare - plus he had brought up a child before.

So in your situation you need to bend over backwards to keep the Mother onside until the age of 2! I was in a similar position. I only dated my ex for a few weeks and later found out she was pregnant (she was seeing someone else by then).

I swallowed my pride and put up with a load of bossing about - to get as much time with my son as possible - gave her lifts etc.

Hard as it is that is your best recourse right now. Don’t get into a fight or you will lose - at the moment. Keep her texts but don’t reply to them. Not straight away anyway. And only reply with a calm measured response that doesn’t disagree with her! Actually flattery helps too!

If she wants you to have the child at week ends that is good. But how much of the week end? Specifically? I used to have every Saturday night and all day Sunday plus a midweek night (luckily my ex liked her nights out so it was convenient to her).

Obviously hard to be amicable if you‘re breaking up , but try.

Someone once told me a good strategy - confuse the enemy. They expect you to be angry, upset and difficult. So be the opposite. Show concern and attention. Ask if there‘a anything you can do for her? Offer to give her lifts places and tell her how important it is for the baby to see his parents getting on well. That kind of thing. And it’s true. Much better for the child if both parents are reasonably amicable even if at a distance. Put up with her telling you how to do everything- for now. I grumbled about it to friends but just smiled and used the nappies etc I’d been told to use.

However my ex had no family support - only child with no parents alive. An ex with family can be harder - the whole lot of them can gang up on you and grandparents get very possessive about sharing the child’s time and care!

Anyway child may seem just like a baby right now but by a year old they are very aware of what’s going on around them and need stability.

I would hang fire on any court application right now under the circumstances.

You’ve made a good start by agreeing CM payments and seeing child at week ends. Any time you get now will help in future if you need to go to court. So I would offer to have child Friday night to say Sunday morning every week end. And suggest to her you have him overnight every Tuesday or Wednesday night to give her a break/rest.

Yes she will be hormonal! And very sensitive right now. Are you sure you can’t manage to make up and sort things. It’s a pressure with a new baby for both - just decide not to argue and give in to everything for a while - things might settle down.

I would also hold off mediation - for now. Main thing is to try and get something in writing - even just a text. As you might need evidence of what was agreed at some point.

Eg “Happy to pay £300 a month child maintenance, as we discussed and for baby name to be with me every weekend. I suggest 6pm Friday to 10am Sunday each weekend. I also think it could be a good idea for me to have baby name on Tuesday nights maybe - which will give you a break midweek and mean he doesn’t go a whole week without seeing much of me or he may get anxious. What do you think?”

That kind of thing. But pick your moment to send it! Try and smooth things over a bit first.

Are you married and do you joint own a house? If not married, is your name on the birth certificate?

 

[Ash]

Playing devils advocate here but if she is calling you all those things then that shows she is probably hurt and upset (whether valid or not). So rather than take it personally, try to see it like that. Anger is often hurt coming out. She maybe feels unappreciated, neglected etc. Hence flattery and attentiveness helps. Do it for your kid! I looked at it that if my ex went maverick my kid was at risk so I pandered to her - until he was older!

These are stressful times - try but to fight with her - let the frustration out on here and agree with her (over day to day stuff). Make yourself indispensable.

What I said above is true as well. A week is too long for a child to not see you - the bond could be affected and the chikd have anxiety.

I would think about mediation if she won’t agree to midweek time (even if just a teatime rather than overnight).

Personally I’d try and make up with her. How long have you been together?

 

[Ash]

And do as much hands on baby stuff as you can meanwhile - changing nappies - getting up in the night, feeding. I know that at this age my ex was desperate for a break. If she‘ll let you that is. You need to try and build trust as a parent whether you’re an ex or stay together.

 

[extremecase1]

Hi

I have a lot of experience with this that resulted in me not seeing my son even in the same house and then when she left for many months.

Walk with the angels, dont send any text as this can be used in evidence. People write bad things when they are stressed. Be prepared for every allegation under the sun to come and if they do do not take it personally.

you need mediation before C100. If mediation is not going to be of benefit then the application can go off.

Start by getting your evidence together of all the things that you do

 

[proud_dad]

I echo everything that Ash and EC1 have written above.

-Try to keep things amicable, even if it means swallowing your pride
-Don't move out until child arrangements have been sorted and that you have decent accommodation sorted for your child
-Don't react to anything, even if you are facing abuse
-Get hands-on involved in your child's life
-Learn to bottle feed your child, as this can counter any "baby is exclusively breast fed" argument
-Arrange mediation; a good mediator can save your £1000s in court expenses
-Don't neglect yourself - keep your mind and body strong
-Have a close group of friends and family that you can confide in
-Have this forum to hand to vent, ask advice etc.

 

[extremecase1]

I am in proceedings and have spent an extraordinary amount on legal fees. I understand the pitfalls. These are all mentioned above

I found writing digital notes on my iphone really useful. It keeps the date and time fixed (dont change it later or the date changes). You can download when needed.
Really think about whatever evidence you need to have to show what you say. At the end of the day you say she says, but evidence is what is only looked at.
Bottle feed...make note of the formula (aptimil 1 etc) times. Whilst your mind is fresh write down a daily routine of what you child does including feed times and sleep times. I did this when i requested to take my one out and it showed that i knew how to look after my one despite being told i did not have a clue.
Watch out for things going missing. This can actually start arguments without you knowing.
Sort out passwords for any shared device. You will will be surprised how many apple products hook up to each other on te same icoud account. Emails, notes, internet serach history can be seen on shared devices.
Abuse allegations are so easy to do as all that is needed is a call to the abuse helpline and things progress rapidly. You wont even know it is going down. Currently you can get legal aid if abuse is alleged easily so stay away from any angry responses.
If you leave the house you pay twice for rent so dont do that. If she want you out she will do an occupation order and an NMO.
Speak with your friends but also work out who your friends are. They wont mind you gassing all the time. if you do this to others too much you can alienate them
I cant stress keeping yourself emotionally strong. When this deteriorates bad decisions occur. Only send texts after you have thought and discussed it with someone.

EC1

 

[extremecase1]

btw typical behaviours from a legal perspective

Malicious mother syndrome
implacable hostility (UK term)
Alienation (this is a very specific condition) US term

You be the angel. It is more clear to Court when you are the exact opposite of black/darkness by being whiter than white than by being some form of grey

 

[Ash]

Great advice from EC and proud Dad. Reiterating- don’t move out - but protect yourself and be as hands on as you can with your child. An idea. Do you have parents nearby? Could you “invite” one of them to stay with you? A third person around can change the dynamic. And safety in numbers.

 

[ManMooth]

Hello everybody

Thank you for the advice and replies.

A little update about the situation:

We tried to fix our relationship as we don`t want to split up, but the arguments unfortunately still continue on daily basis. It`s really hard to stay mentally and emotionally strong as I`m exhausted mentally and physically too, and it`s really hard to not be responsive to all the verbal abuse I have to face every day, and also the way I act and react... I just hate myself for what I become, I don`t want my daughter to see me in this way and I`m thinking to prepare for a breakup, which is inevitable, and move out.
I do everything that stands in my power to help and support her. from dealing with baby ( nappie change, feeding, bathing, changing clothes, going for walks, spending time with her, sleeping all night to give her rest) and it`s just still everything the same.

My question now: How can I build myself up and prepare, quietly, for what is inevitable? I feel like I don`t want to leave them, but I have no other choice....it`s really a hard decision, but also this is not life, not for me, her , or my daughter.

 

[Ash]

Sometimes people advise a trial separation - rather than a break up. Basically some space from each other. And tbh a 3 month old is hard work, and a pressure on both parents - lack of sleep etc. If trying to talk leads to arguments, you could try writing her a letter instead. Sometimes when it's one way communication (time to read and think before replying) it's easier. I am wondering though if she is trying to push you out and has some reason. This is why it's so unfair legally. A Mother doesn't worry about splitting up, knowing they have the child and are entitled to benefits and child support.

How long have you been together before your daughter was born? There must have been good times?

Could you suggest having some space from each other in the same house. Like meet once a day but otherwise stay in separate parts of the house (if there's room). Some people do that. Kind of separate but remain in the same house for a while. Things can calm down. If you write her a letter, you could suggest this. Say try living separately in the same house, meeting up once a day (or every two days) shifts with the baby. Some time to calm down and have some space. And talk again in a week or two. Or as I mentioned above. Could you have a third person staying? It breaks the dynamic a bit. Could your Mum come and stay eg?

If it's become intolerable though, and you feel you need to get out, make sure you have somewhere to stay. And before you leave, try and get something in writing (text or email) discreetly, that shows what you've agreed over caring for your daughter/seeing her.

Has your wife talked about that? Does she want to split up? And if so, has she said how it would work with the child? As in when you can see your daughter, how and where?

You mentioned her sending you lots of messages complaining about things you do. Do you live together full time? It also sounds like she might be trying to prepare "evidence". My ex used to do that. Send emails criticizing me a lot and accusing me of things. Although she is quite dumb - she thought if she put it in writing it was evidence that those things were true! All it was evidence of, was her hostility towards me.

She has mentioned court once already. So she's thought about it. It's an unpleasant power imbalance - do what I want or I'll make it difficult in court, type thing.

So earlier you said you'd agreed to pay £350 a month child maintenance and she accepted. Did she also agree when you'd be looking after your daughter/seeing her? What was her view on that?

As mentioned earlier, if it did go to court you are likely to only get a few hours a week and no overnight stays until child is two. Unless you can convince them you are sharing the care and experienced in bottle feeding etc.

If you leave with it informal then it's difficult to see your daughter if there's animosity between you. If it goes to court they like to see the Dad has bent over backwards to try and resolve things with the Mum (not re the marriage but re being amicable).

Have you tried couples counselling? Would your wife want to try it? Things may be different in 6 months time when your wife is less exhausted and hormonal and the baby is older and crying less.

 

[ManMooth]

Thank you for the reply

The thing is we just cannot get along and there is already so much tension and anger that we just snap, we argue at least 2x a day which is sometimes quite bad. I just have enough.

She said last weekend she want me to stay with the baby and I was happy to sleep with her again, so I spent almost the whole weekend and night sleeping with her, nappie changes, put her to sleep, going out for walks, feedings, etc. I’m ok and confident in these things.

I think we both feel this relationship just won’t work out, sometimes it’s my fault, sometimes it’s her fault ( she never admit it) but most of the time I get the blame and if she does the same mistake , that’s ok, not in my case and she freaks out. Don’t get me wrong I have my fault but I just can’t take all the blame for everything and can’t watch how somebody make me stupid, idiot, debil because I make a mistake or I see something in a different way.

Counselling- she might be open for
it, but even with her mental health struggles she just didn’t admitted she need help, instead she just argued with me for nonsense things that was extremely important for her .

I always said to her, I ask for one thing : Don’t shout or scream to me.
She just can’t …
I understand she is struggling but throwing everything on me it’s just too much, I can’t say anything, I can’t have an opinion about something as I’m against her and I’m not on the same line with her …

First we agreed on £350 and I can see her in weekends, after that she changed her mind and she said she want more money because she need to pay for the house we live in now. I said no, we go to court than as I pay for child maintenance not for her expenses.

Writing a letter:

We already spoke so much, we know words doesn’t help anymore. I do understand she is struggling immensely but sometimes I just find hard to deal with her issues.
// Tonight we put our daughter to sleep, I did what I usually do and she just complained why I carrie her in my arms as she get used to it and for her it’s hard ( I said this to her months ago but she didn’t listened to me), so I put her down as she asked, she started crying again, I picked her up, she comment why I don’t pick her up, I don’t know what to do in this situation? I was already confused and upset because I know what to do and already started picking her up, finally I manage to calm her down and I started singing to her and she might fall asleep as I couldn’t see her eyes and her mother told me go with her in her room, I went and walked a little bit to calm her down more, and she just constantly pushes me… go into her room ( as I have to do as she wants) and after 5-7 times i said to her “ if you know how to do it better come and do it “… and she went mental … she is always complaining that is hard with our daughter ,and she want me to stay with her as much as it possible ,
If I’m on night shift she complaining about the fact she doesn’t sleep… with me she had no issues over the weekend … I gave her in her mom hands and she was already complaining after 3 minutes about what she is gonna do when I won’t be at home. She stress on everything, literally everything
I just can’t understand and stand why she is complaining that much as she is not the only one who struggle.
Other guys don’t do half of what I don’t support her and still end up being an idiot …. And if I do something in my way and it works she just cannot stand without commenting and constantly tell me what to do how to do it when to do it and it’s frustrating as I feel like a complete idiot, it’s like I can’t have my in decision. //

To be fair I’m scared of how am I gonna manage financially, what kind of Fater am I gonna be for my daughter if I stay or I leave … I never imagined to stay and think about such hard things …
It seems like no matter what decision I make I will loose this game.

Taking legal action might trigger different things in her and I might end up in worse as she won’t let me see my daughter. At least this is how is see and feel now .

 

[Ash]

It sounds like all this is knocking your confidence- try not to think of all the worst things. When I had my son (not living with the ex) I just did things my own way instinctively. It might not be the way your partner thinks it should be. I put up with a load of instructions on what I should and shouldn’t do and which nappies to get etc and just went along with it. So you do fine on your own as you have a bond.

It sounds to be though that you are new parents struggling. I’m not making excuses for your ex but she maybe just isn’t coping or getting enough sleep and is hormonal. But sounds like whatever you do will be wrong because she’s taking it out on you. Could you get someone to come and stay? It could change the dynamics with someone else around and give your partner a break. Stress is really bad for relationships and it can be temporary.

I don’t think you want to be going to court really as you would just get a few hours a week and no overnights. At least your ex is offering weekends. But you’d need to see your daughter in between that.

It kind of sounds like she is weighing up whether or not you’re ok to be left with the baby. By telling you what to do all the time. If one of you could de stress then it could change the mood a bit - like you could be more good humoured when she‘a telling you how to do stuff or make the odd joke. But I’m not there and it’s clearly affecting you.

Court wouldn’t deal with the finances - you’d get assessed for child Maintenance by CMS and they‘d tell you how much to pay.

So now she‘s wanting more money and offering less time.

I don’t know what to say - in 6 months time things might be different. But if it’s not doable. The other thing is - do you think she would be safe to manage the baby on her own? She clearly needs some help. Some times people just accept to live together separately for a while for the kids.

 

[ManMooth]

Unfortunately we have nobody to come and help and I know there is a lot on her shoulders and she can’t cope but unloading everything on me it’s not really fair I think as I’m just a human being and I do as much as I can and try to push myself to help her more.

I really don’t want to go to court so I hope we can agree on something if we have to split.

She really don’t trust me and she just check on almost everything I do even with the baby. I really don’t believe she doesn’t make mistakes with the baby as many time I said to her she is wrong about something and later she proved me right, but she just don’t take these things in count.

I feel we both don’t want to break up, but also this madness is not an option too.

When she is calm and nice we are doing great and having a good time, but when she flips … everything is going down, it might be my inability to handle her tantrums …

She looks confident on handling the baby but the truth is she can’t manage in her own and I don’t really want to let her deal alone.

Maybe some break will help, I really don’t know

 

[Ash]

GP’s can be quite good when people are struggling. Suggest you could talk to yours maybe - they are surprisingly good with relationship stuff. Support for you and might put something in place like send health visitor more often or get your partner in to talk to her in case she needs some help- either meds or something else.

What about things like sure start? Somewhere to go with the child and some normality. Also suggest you look at some courses on childcare. Not suggesting you need it! But it can really help if you do need to go to court in the future - to say you’ve done a course on childcare. If your ex doesn’t trust you with the baby that sounds more like her problem than anything you’re doing.

Obviously try and protect yourself and get some space if she is giving you such a hard time, but maybe try not to take it personally and see it as her not coping - but you don’t need to be a constant target. I’d see your GP - I bet they can help.

 

[ManMooth]

Hello everybody,

Almost a year since I wrote to ask for help... a lot of things happened and I still have questions due to the new situation I am in now ...

What`s happened after ...

Social services got involved and we started a sort of assessment to see where and what we can do with our relationship; the situation between me and her got worse as months went away, we both wanted somehow to work it out but no major changes, she got more violent and abusive, and my days were pretty much like hell, until around October 20 (I think) after an argument I packed my stuff and left the house due to her verbal abusement and lived for 6-7 weeks with a friend. Before Christmas, I got a room in a shared house as I can`t afford more, and now things are a little bit more stable...

The arrangement, agreement about seeing my daughter... and my problem

Our agreement was that I can see my daughter every weekend one day, when she is going to work and I can spend my time with our daughter at her place due to the fact that I was homeless I said to her it is in our daughter best interest to stay here, sleep 2x a day as she is only 15 months old... she seems to don`t care about this aspect as she wants to fight back to me with the fact that I have/must take our daughter to my place, despite the fact in what condition I am now, she seems to care less about what is best for our daughter ...
I pay her child maintenance, also I stay with my daughter on bank holidays when i am off and she works without paying less money, she also expects me to buy water, nappies, wet wipes, and some food because she can`t go to those shops as they are far away (this in the condition that she has Tesco Superstore and Waitrose in 5-10 minutes walking distance) also the maintenance money I pay is for food only...

She is still abusive to me whenever she can, in text messages she harras me still, my family who she has never met, and pretty much most of our conversation is about humiliating me and less about our daughter. repeatedly I told her to leave me alone and I am not interested in her drama but she just doesn't stop.

Yesterday I was to look after my daughter and she started again her drama, she started being verbally abusive, she started spitting on me, she was physical, and even when i tried to go and hide or lock myself with my daughter in another room she did not stop, she kept being violent and things escalated to more ...
She left for work and a few minutes after she came back, I went to see what is happening she grabbed some papers and stopped at the door calmly, no drama, not even a word or a letter, she pointed to her face having a red dot, with a calm and sarcastic face, like she got what she wanted .... and she left.... she came back 2x time and did not see her ....
This last thing bothered me, and I decided to go to the police with my daughter and reported her for being abusive and violent.

To be honest, being through what I went through last year, all the effort and sacrifice to help my daughter and her, because she has nobody, even at work they hate her and want to get rid of her, I got to deal with this madness. I have audio files recorded about how she screams and shouted, I have pictures of my back after she hit me several times and have blood and marks.... 2x reported her for violence, the first time I choose help and not report her officially and the lady from social services asked me if I want to...

My question to everybody is:
- how do you go through such an abusive phase and get back to normal?
- is there any way to see my daughter without having to deal with her again?
- what can I do to not let her dictate my days with my daughter when is the most suitable for her (she thinks is my obligation to go and look after my daughter because she has to go to work)?
-is there any cost-effective/free way to deal with all this madness?
- can I ask for legal advice for free locally?

I am kind of desperate to finally get trough all this madness, and the only thing that matter to me is to spend time with my daughter in peace.