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Advice needed please

GrahamP46

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I'm currently going through a divorce and its in the first stage.

I would like to get a CAO in place as my ex is being very difficult at the moment in regard to me seeing the kids. We have two children aged 7 and 13 (soon to be 14).

My ex kicked me out last April with the aid of the police by accusing me of rape and coercive control for the 18yrs we were together. I was placed on bail and had to stay away from my ex and the house for 3 months due to her not willing to sign her statement and made me homeless. I managed to find a studio flat as that is all I can afford (rent prices are crazy). No further action was taken on both charges.

Due to my financial position I told my ex that I was moving back into the house at the end of the bail, we both own the house on a joint mortgage. As a result she had the locks changed and filed for a non-molestation order and a occupational against me. She lied and twisted the facts and because I couldn't afford a solicitor and didn't word my statement very well her solicitor walked all over me in court and I had the orders placed against me for a year (till 1st Nov this year). Even the judge stated that he didn't read all of my statement (56 pages).

At the moment she dictates to me as and when I can see my children and will change it as she sees fit and if I say anything she then threatens to take me to court as she claims I've breached the court orders. I'm only allowed to contact her via a parenting app in regard to child care.

Last year I was seeing my kids every other Thursday and Friday but at the start of the year she decided to change it, no discussion or anything. When I questioned her why she changed it she gave me the excuse that she wanted to spend more time with them and if I said anything else she would report me to the courts for breach of the court orders. I feel that this is very unfair as she lives with them. Now each month I have to go nearly two weeks without seeing them which is unfair on them or me.

At the moment I only get to have my kids stay with me for 3 nights in a month and on the other days I pick them up from school and I'm expected to drop them off by 6:30pm so only get them for 2-3hrs.

I would like to apply to the courts for 50/50 custody but I'm worried that because of my current situation with housing and working 12hr shifts that I won't get it.

As I said above at the moment I live in a studio flat and can not afford to get a bigger flat and I work 12hr shifts on a strange working pattern which is as follows, I work 4 days, 2 off, 3 nights, 2 off, 3 days, 2 off, 4 nights then I get 8 days off.

If I was to apply for a CAO what are the chances of me getting 50/50 custody of my kids. I can't afford to leave my job at the moment but I will be redundant at the end of this year and will betting a good payout as I've been with the company for 13yrs.

I have tried talking to my ex but she just ignores me, as far as she is concerned because she has the court orders against me she can do what she wants and there is nothing I can do about it.

I would be very grateful of any help and advice anyone can give me, I just don't know where to start and I'm worried that when I fill in the form I will mess it up and I can't afford a solicitor. I'm just about managing to keep my head above water.
 
I can't offer advice mate but I truly sympathise with you.
I'm only young I'm 28 but have got a coercive ex, An ex who moves the goalposts when it comes to me seeing my boy, an ex who seems happier for me to not have a relationship with my son
I've registered to this site literally 20 minutes ago.. but age , occupation, location aside it's bitterly sweet knowing its not just me stuck with a narcissistic ex and fellas out there are up against it .

Judges, courts, other peoples opinions we're instantaneously at a disadvantage because we're male

Wish you all the best pal keep your chin up.
Sorry its not advice as such
 
@GrahamP46 You are definitely going to have to go down the CAO route. Have you tried to figure out the practicalities of how often you could have them for, then this is what you need to request when you go to court.
 
Thanks for the reply's guys.

wn7Dad, I know exactly how you feel, my ex fits the bill of a narcissist to the letter. Can't agree more about being disadvantaged because we are male. Everyone seems to think females are angels, my ex is playing the victim big time. I'm not saying I'm an angel but I don't deserve this treatment and neither to my kids as they are the ones who are also suffering in all this BS.

The judge at the court hearing for the court orders had made his mind up before I even walked into the room. The ex had me arrested in 2024 for alleged rape and coercive control, told the police in happened in 2009 but when she took me to court she told them it was in 2022 and twice in one week! This was completely overlooked by the judge. She's been diagnosed with border line personality disorder (untreated) which I believe is playing a big part in this, again ignored by the judge.

Daddy Cool,

I could have my kids on my 8 day break which is once a month, I finish my shift on a Weds morning so could pick them up after school and have them till the following Weds, then have them when I get two days off in between my day and night shifts.

I'm just worried that they won't let me have them because I'm in a studio flat and at the moment I can't afford to find anywhere bigger.

I assume I wouldn't need to try and arrange mediation because of the court orders, I'm not even met to be in the same building as the ex.
 
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