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Advice needed - mentally ill mother withholding child

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Averagedad

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Sorry for the long post, im just really going through it.

Brief history - My Ex-wife and I separated in 2019. since 2020, for my own safety of allegations made against me, my father has been the go between so i have zero contact with my ex. My son has some emotional and behavoural issues. Ex-wife was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder when we were together.

Our son has just turned 7. We split because our relationship became rocky - she's never worked as she plays the benefits system, and we were arguing more because i work full time and the house was disgusting, she let our son wander around in a dirty nappy all day and she had a compulsive obsession with facebook - she would sit on facebook all day sharing posts and talking to people online. On the day we split she was trying to secretly film me in a row, and i pushed her phone out of her hand. She immediately called the police and had me arrested. I was released with no further action. After this incident she then started making all sorts of accusations against me - that i was controlling, i isolated her from her friends and family, i mentally abused her etc etc. she then used this to access all the local domestic violence ccharities and funding. none of this is true - for example - i bought her a car and taxed and MOT'd it and gave her money for petrol to try encourage her to take our son out and about, i took her to her grandparents every sunday without fail, I paid for her to go to events and stay in hotels with her friends she met online because she had no friends in our area - her mental health was always a struggle and she found it uncomfortable to make friends in our local area. Even though she made all these allegations against me, she was happy for me to have custody of my boy every weekend from the week we split, and it has been like that ever since. we've never been to court.

In 2020 during covid, my son got safeguarded by the school and somewhere else - the paperwork says 4 reports were made but doesn't say by who, and a subset of our local childrens services opened a case on her. They got in touch with me and asked if i wanted to be involved and i said yes so they sent me all the reports they'd done on her and she basically blamed everything she was failing on on me. The reports are ridiculous, im sad they took her word for so much instead of seeing her for who she is - eg. my sons teeth are awful, i can only make him brush them on a sat and sunday (the days i have him) but she still blamed me for his teeth. she told the social worker i had signed our son up to a secret dentist and wouldnt tell her the address!!! and they just jotted it down! anyway, they really took her side even though she basically lied and made herself look like a victim of everything and everyone but herself. she told them that she felt the psychiatrist at the mental health hospital that diagnosed her with Borderline personality disorder was wrong and that she'd gotten a new diagnosis of CPTSD from her GP because of my 'abuse' - GPs cant make this diagnosis but they still just jotted it down. I dont know what the outcome was or if the file is still open.

Fast forward to this year - I have had kidney failure and been on dialysis for the last year. If i had to not take my weekend through illness she will either refuse to keep our son, or lecture my dad on how i am shirking my responsibilities. In april this year i got called up for a transplant and was hospitalised and obviously very ill so i have missed some of my time with my son. I got back to the swing of things and The last time i had him was the last weekend of june. The first week of july she informed my dad that she was not going to let me see my son again because i have been saying 'mean things' about her, her boyfriend and her family to our son (i havent!) and that the school have told her that he told them i am, and that shes taken advice from childrens services that she is within her rights to refuse to let him see me. This was a week before his birthday as well. She also informs my dad that out son has ADHD and im affecting him with my mean words - Ive never heard this before, never seen an assessment or appointment, this is news to me. then out of the blue my dad gets a phonecall from a 'representative' for my ex who works for a "company that works for domestic abuse charities' saying that they want to facilitate a parenting agreement between me and my ex. We ask for thier professional info, company, anything and they refuse to give it. They tell my dad they work for a specific company but I searched thier phone number and its a paid up app based number. they keep asking and asking for me to tell them what i want in the parenting agreement, and that they can make it into a legal document, but i say i dont know what it is, how can i add to it if i dont know what it is? they send aggressive messages, then wierd buisness-like messages, then they send over this 'parenting agreement' and its a load of cut and paste stuff from irrelevant american co-parenting websites and some other stuff that makes no sense, a request for more maintenance and for me to have my son MORE!!! and if I sign it i can collect my son from school the next day! This person is saying that we are only allowed to contact them now not my ex. and that they have my sons medical information for me etc. but they are clearly just some random my ex is getting to act as a go between. I said i just want my ex to work with me with a local company that offers coaching and parent plan facilitation and they contacted the company pretending to be this charity/business, and even the manager of the parenting hub got in touch and told me they were concerned that this person was trying to get info on me from them and that thier business didnt exist. Its really shaking me up. I havnt signed it because its nonsensical and I cant keep on like this, we need formal intervention. I desperatly want to see my son but im not negotiating with someone trying to defraud me.

I saw a soliciter on thursday and asked her to write a warning letter to my ex and shes going to, but she thinks my ex sounds mentally unstable at the moment and that i should just go straight to court - But i work for the NHS and dont earn enough to do it right now unless i self represent. My ex has a conviction for drug dealing (suspended sentence and supervision order) so I dont know if that will go against her but im so stuck right now, I dont know whether to call safeguarding and ask them to check on my son, because im worried his mother is having some kind of mental break right now, I am being messed with by some crazy pretend parenting 'representative' and i havent seen my son for a month. what should i do? will i have a chance in court with all her fake accusations hanging over me?
 
It's a bit late now but I'll reply more later in the week-end. If you have concerns about your child though, contact social services again. Firstly to have things checked. Secondly - it could be helpful if you do have to go to court (if they find issues with the Mother). With court, you can't just claim issues, it needs evidence to back it up (eg social work report).

Do you have anything in writing about this diagnosis of personality disorder? That could be important.
 
Ash said:
It's a bit late now but I'll reply more later in the week-end. If you have concerns about your child though, contact social services again. Firstly to have things checked. Secondly - it could be helpful if you do have to go to court (if they find issues with the Mother). With court, you can't just claim issues, it needs evidence to back it up (eg social work report).

Do you have anything in writing about this diagnosis of personality disorder? That could be important.
Click to expand...
Thanks for your response, this is cut and pasted from the official social services report they did on her in 2020 -

2020 – mum told by GP she has complex PTSD
2018- mum diagnosed by psychologist at ******** hospital she has Borderline Personality Disorder – wrongly diagnosed.

This is all self reported by her, and the claim that she was wrongly diagnosed is her claim, not the doctors as this happened when we were still together. She did accidentally leave some doctors notes about her seeking a diagnosis of BPD at our previous home when we both moved out and i did have them about somewhere, but i didnt really keep them safe because i didnt think i could use them against her as they are her private papers and i was worried id be breaking a law by not returning or destroying them

My sister in law saw my son get dropped off at school on friday so i know he's 'safe' at the moment but im really concerned that the summer holidays have started now and he is going to slip off the radar.
 
Having PTSD or BPD are medical conditions that could be seen as personal and you'd have to tread carefully if claiming someone's mental health issues affect their parenting, or it could be seen as being unfeeling, attacking her, or being bigoted about mental illness (in a court situation).

Having a personality disorder is different - while it is still a mental illness sort of, it is also recognised as something that could mean she is not going to be a good parent, especially if she's obstrucive.

If all you have is "Mum Diagnosed..................- wrongly diagnosed" then that isn't much help for evidence. What you'd need is the psychologists notes from the hospital and the only way to get those is ask the court to order her medical records from that hospital. Which is a possibility but can also be seen as an attack on Mum/intrusion of privacy (of course it's not seen that way if the Dad is asked to prove health issues or provide medical records!).

The only other way would be to ask the court to order psychologists reports - that is high evidence in court and if that psychologist says she has a personality disorder and their conclusions on whether she would be ok with the child or have the ability to promote time with you, then you could be asking for residence possibly. But psychologists reports can be very expensive.

If she does have some kind of narcissistic or other personality disorder, these people can make life very difficult and do all kinds of manipulative and hostile things, and these people contacting you sounds very dodgy indeed - as you say.

I think you need to tread very carefully with someone like this and that a firm solicitors letter could make her more volatile. So the advice to apply straight to court is probably good. Did the solicitor say how? Ie would it be an urgent application citing welfare issues, or a straight application?

Either way I think you need to be contacting social services again and saying you're concerned and haven't seen your son for a month.

Yes you can self rep with help on here. You can also put your own application in with help on here. Then the costs are just the £232 court fee for the application, and stationery costs. Your ex has already made allegations against you before and no doubt she would do so again once she receives the application and responds to it (this is very common anyway). If she does make allegations, she will be entitled to legal aid and a free solicitor. Which can make things harder self repping, but we can help guide you through things (many Dads on here have been through the system and can offer tips on what to do/how to handle things).

Which makes me think you maybe need to be getting the welfare concerns in first. If you go to social services that probably won't be quick, but it's probably the first port of call right now. Explain to them the history of drug use, and safeguarding issues regarding your son before. and that you haven't seen him for a month, your ex seems quite volatile and you have concerns. Ask them to do a welfare check. They tend to only do that, via sending the Police round, if you say there is an immediate risk of harm. But you don't know that. So in that case they would probably go through normal procedures and phone the Mother and then maybe visit her. Ask for your report to be anonymous. She may guess it's you but she won't know because there've been other safeguarding reports.

If social services have concerns, that could be the evidence you need to go for an urgent ex parte application for temporary residence. But you'd need something from the social worker to do that - either a report or the social worker to agree to go to the hearing.

If social services are woolly (likely) and say there are some issues but he seems fine right now, then you'd probably need to put in a standard application for a Child Arrangements order.

Once your application is received, and her responses, you'll both get a call from Cafcass who will produce a letter/report before the first hearing based on what you both say. If your ex makes allegations, which seems likely, the court will only order supervised time for you, until matters are resolved. In the meantime, before the hearing, Cafcass will do background checks and your ex's criminal record will show up. Hopefully you have a clean one!

However if Cafcass hear that social services have been involved before from you (which they have and you should tell them that), then they may say social services needs to deal with this and pass over to them. Or at least contact social services first to get some information.

At a first hearing it will be decided what happens next. The end goal is for you to have a Child Arrangements order for regular time with your child, with allegations dismissed along the way via the various hearings. the difficulty is - your ex is still a bit off kilter and possibly not a very safe parent. That's why you need to deal with social services first I think.
 
hello, thanks so much for the answer, it was really helpful. My sister is very close to my son and did call social services in the end anyway because she is concerned that now the holidays are on my son could just slip off the radar, and the soliciter said that the behaviour is so erratic. She said social services pulled him up on the system right away so he's clearly got files there. Ive also got the social services documents from 2020 that say my ex told them she really struggles with our sons behaviour so we are really worried about him now she has to have him round the clock and theres no school intervention. We have had absolutley no contact at all, not a video call or anything since june so its pretty worrying.

My solicitor got a response from my ex's 'representative' and told me that it is inflammatory and unusual, and she said that because my ex isn't communicating with the solicitor, only getting a civilian representative to do it she would need to send a further letter to get permission off my ex to be able to respond to the representative in any meaningful way. She also again advsed me to file for court. My ex also made new accusations against me to my solicitor

  • that I once left my son 'alone' at night and because of that he wakes up screaming for his mother at night
  • that I leave him to sleep at my sisters, which has never happened (*but also, he's 7 and all his cousins have big sleepovers with their auntie and uncle, we just haven't felt he's developed enough to do it yet, its a fun thing our family do for the kids which she's clearly trying to stop him from enjoying)
  • that my son has expressed 'negative feelings' about my sisters husband (*he's a lovely man and she's well aware of that, He even took my ex and our son to Butlins with my sister and their boy of the same age when we were still married, and they looked after our son when my ex refused to leave the chalet because of her mental health - I had just started a new job and couldn't go with them all)
  • That she has PTSD and only now feels brave enough to tell me I can only have every other weekend if I sign her agreement she's made (*I have a Mediation report from 2021 where she told them that she feels I should have our son more than every weekend and one evening a week, and they explained to her that I couldn't due to working full time, and she told them that our son is suffering because he's so desperate for more time with me)

she has demanded through the representative that my son is not allowed to sleep over anywhere else until he is 13 years old. I feel like shes trying to alienate him from me, from my family, even from her own family - She has also told social services her step father was sexually interested in her as a child so she just ignores him when she takes my son to visit her parents (they are still together and I dont think her mum knows about these allegations she makes about him).

Im absolutely bored and terrified at the same time of all the falsehoods she will invent. I've told my solicitor that I am going to go ahead and file the C100. My only issue now is will I need to do another MIAM with her? I do not feel safe trying to navigate this anymore without court involvement and I dont want to mediate with her, I know it is only months until it would all start again with new allegations. Can her refusal to co-operate properly with the soliciter work as permission to file? Ive asked the soliciter this and Im waiting to hear back.

I also cannot afford to maintain the soliciter, I work for the NHS and due to my transplant im not back to full time yet. My sister is going to help me with everything and we are going to look into a barrister for court if we need one. Obviously im only at the very first stages of filling out the C100 whilst i wait to find out how to get the certificate to file it.

One more question, and it might sound silly, but she is still using my name as her surname in her proxy communications with the solister- should I put that as her name on the form or should I put her maiden name?

Thankyou so much
 
Hi. A MIAM lasts for three months - so if it's more than 3 months since you started mediation last time, then yes you'll need to have another MIAM (the MIAM is the first appointment). If it's less than three months you can apply straight to court (having asked the mediator for a sign off certificate). If you need another MIAM you could either a) let the mediator invite your ex to mediation again. Do you think she'd go? Or b) just ask the mediator to sign you off saying you've had mediation, but it's more than three months and you need to apply to court urgently and social services are involved. I think I'd do the latter. Mediators are very keen for you to try mediation though and aren't keen on signing you off at the first appointment. I think I'd politely just keep saying no I want signing off please.

Those allegations aren't that serious. Yes she'll probably make some but hopefully the court will see through it straight away. You can't use anything from previous mediation as part of a court application, it's supposed to be confidential (paperwork etc). You can however say in your application that at mediation she wanted you to have your son every week-end and a midweek night but you wanted every other week-end and two midweek nights (the latter would be 50/50 if the week-end included the Sunday night). the more time you can get with your son the better, to help keep an eye on things and give him as much time away from your ex as possible.

Then when she makes allegations it sounds bizarre when you've said the only disagreement was the number of nights. What are social services doing? you might need to comment on that when you know what's what when applying. eg if they go round to see your son and ex and no further action and close the case, then maybe don't mention it in the application - but you can tell Cafcass when you get your phone call.
 
I'd suggest doing the paper form even though it's a bit tedious as you need three copies to give/send to court (plus a copy to keep). The guides explain why.

www.dadswithkids.co.uk

How to complete the C100 Form

We thought a guide to completing the form could be useful. This is the C100 form for applying for a Child Arrangements Order, Specific Issues Order or Prohibited Steps Order. C100 form on .Gov website If you scroll down the page you will see...
www.dadswithkids.co.uk www.dadswithkids.co.uk

www.dadswithkids.co.uk

Sample wording for C100 application

Attached are two versions of sample wording for section 5b of the C100 form. The sample wording assumes it's for a Child Arrangements Application. One version is more of a straightforward application. The other version is more for if...
www.dadswithkids.co.uk www.dadswithkids.co.uk
 
It's fine to do your own application - better if it's in your own words - providing you don't bang on about the ex in a negative way and keep it child focused. Might be an idea to get someone on here to have a look over it before sending it off.
 
Thanks, I’ll post on here to ask for a look over when I’ve filled it out, much appreciated.

Social services said they have logged it but to call 111 and ask the police to go over and check if we want to.

At this point I don’t want to do a MIAM with her again, I don’t trust her to not play up for it then pull this all again, I know that as soon as she finds out I’ve submitted the C100 she will make domestic abuse allegations about me and then I’m just hoping that there will be fact finding so that I can finally disprove what she’s doing to me. Because it gives her attention she constantly adds new allegations in, and to everyone - my sons school, his doctor, child services, everyone she tells I’m an abuser and I’ve had enough now. It will be my work next, she won’t stop until she destroys me, so I need to add least try help my son and get us both some safety from her. She’s going to ruin my sons life with what she’s doing to us both. Her withholding him from me is the push I need to take her on and not let her drag me under.

Thanks
 
This is a tricky one. If you have concerns he is being harmed, with reason for that, then having a police check done is a good thing (in my experience the Police refuse unless you say Social Services told you to - which they did). On the other hand why would there be any difference now in how she is treating him, just because you're not seeing him? ie witholding contact doesn't necessarily mean she is abusing him as she could have been doing that at any time. If you get my drift.

As there has been previous safeguarding though, I think it would be a good idea. I would get your application sent first though. If you get the Police to do a safeguarding check and they say - everything's fine - then in a way that's telling the court he's fine and reduces the urgency.

So I think I would a) get the application in b) ask the police to do a safeguarding check c) if the police find issues, email the court with an update d) if the Police say "no issues" do nothing else and wait for a hearing.

The trouble is if the Police go round and see a kid playing in the garden looking fairly healthy they will say "no issues". But it will be reassurance for you.

I had to do this once, on the advice of social services and it went very badly. My ex then accused me of harrassment (and the Police believed her).

In your situation though, you need to know he's ok and she has no argument because she's witholding your son so you can't check on him yourself.
 
i've filled out the C100 today, is there anyone that can have a look at it for me before i print it to submit? I spoke to my solicitor again this morning and she seems to be sure I don't need to do a MIAM because I've communicated to my ex via the solicitor and a local parenting centre and she wont cooperate and that this should be enough for the form. Ive therefore ticked the first two boxes on section 3d

Im really unsure of the police thing because like you say, I know she will definitely turn it into me harassing her.
Thankyou
 
I am very surprised a solicitor saying you don't need a MIAM - it's on the C100 that you need to have had one. Having a MIAM is not the same as having mediation exactly. I think you still need the MIAM (and the sign off from the mediator) because otherwise the application is likely to be rejected. Unless your last MIAM is less than 3 months ago and then just ask to be signed off that one.

In that case you could book a MIAM (ask for an urgent one by video call or something) and say you need signing off - ex refuses to come or communicate, you've had mediation already and need to apply to court but it was over 3 months ago so you need to have another MIAM to be signed off.
 
so this is the wording on the form under section 3D -

Section 3d – Previous MIAM attendance or MIAM exemption

The applicant confirms that one of the following applies: in the 4 months prior to making the application, the person attended a MIAM or participated in another form of non-court dispute resolution relating to the same or substantially the same dispute; or

at the time of making the application, the person is participating in another form of non-court dispute resolution relating to the same or substantially the same dispute; or

Ive ticked both boxes on there. But ive also contacted mediate to see if i can do their fast track £99 service, they say they will send you a c100 authorisation within 24 hours so maybe that is the safest way to go just in case?
 
I think so. It may be your solicitor is correct - if you've had a MIAM in the last four months then you don't need another one - but you may still need a form signed to say you've had one before. Have PM'd you about it.
 
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