Advice... Child taught to not like me but sent to spend time with me

[jollydad]

Hi everyone

I need some advice please.

my childs mothers has raised our child for the last 10 years with negativity about me (father)

I know this because when our child was younger they would tell mom said you dont want to see us, you dont like us etc... im sure you know the usual. and our child would then mention concerns about the treatment they were receiving from the mother.

I approached safeguarding with my recordings (our child didnt know i was recording them upset crying about the treatment of the mother)

I found out school had made a complaint about lack of food and no pe kit in the lunch box trust me its not a money issue my ex just chooses where her money goes on her botoxed face and designer clothes plus received 85 a week from myself.

i took her to court 3 years ago and she saw all evidence and found out how much my child opened up about how they were being treated which then gradually after court my child became secretive and locked up. my child would get upset wanting to say something to me but then would stop and say im not allowed to say mom said its private business. so its been 4 years and now my child is a pro at being secretive and sadly has been moulded from the mother to keep quiet about everything. a child once good at school has attitude and shouts at school and is rude to teachers.

my child is 13 and last year and i raised concerns of the clothes child was wearing from home whilst washing them (child has clothes at mine) 3 years too small and were obviously too small. it wasnt the one off so enough was enough.

after this i believe my ex cranked up the negativity and emailed me saying she is going to social services because our child has communicated with her that i;

make our child cry
I have intimidating behaviour towards our child
i am emotionally abusing
i stress child out
child has voiced they dont feel comfortable around me
doesnt feel in a safe place

i gave child space and called every week (i gave the mother notice day and time) so i could speak directly to my child about how they were feeling. child never answered but a text saying i dont want to see you each time.

despite knowing these are false its still didnt sit well with me and i didnt know if the mother said it or my actual child i felt sick that someone was telling lies. i take medication for my anxiety and its under control but not since this. my doc has been upped and im suffering with raised blood pressure. its broken me.

i took it to court for breach with my evidence mother is behind this.

since start of this year i have been having calls with my child (the court suggested face to face but the mother said nope 100% child doesnt want to see father) so calls it was.

call have been a nightmare hardly talks when they do its attitude. then i receive a long text after some conversations from child phone stating im stressing them out ???i know this is the mother.

section 7 was ordered to find out childs wishes

wishes of child was they want to see me??? and no mention of those allergations from the mother

im confused

i do know that the mother mudslings and alters my child mind for years to have the same mindset as she does about me yet sends child to see me as she knows she will be for breach (ive had to send her court in the past so she has been warned)

i know for a fact my child doesnt like me its obvious in the calls so why say they want to see me. if this is the mother making them say it to protect the mother its concerning.

i just dont know what to do and no body is looking into those allegations the mother accused me of which has caused all this. i dont feel save seeing my child without those alleagations being cleared up that were lies. i feel this is going down a dangerous path.

cafcass has suggested child centre but not supervised just because of how long its been. but i need this to recognise the influence of the mother. child centre great but when they go home the toxicity is still there and i will have a child who has just simply turned about me. my poor child mentally must be confused and upset inside. being taught to hate the father but then simply sent off to come meet me so mom isnt done for breach.

 

[Resolute]

My child is much younger than your child. We started video calls when the child was just 5. Even that young, and only weeks after separation, the child knew there were things my ex shouldn't hear being said. There was a version of the child for when my ex was there and another version for when it was only us. The child used to go into the bathroom and lock the door to say things my ex was not supposed to hear. This continues to the present day.

When Cafcass are actually doing their job. They speak to the child separately and find ways of getting to what is really going on.

Reading your post, especially this bit:

"i know for a fact my child doesn't like me its obvious in the calls so why say they want to see me."

Makes me think you may be underestimating the sway your ex has over the child, and how constricted your child is as a result. In my view, children are amazingly perceptive and will carefully measure the behaviour that works in their favour.

You might be dealing with a complex situation where the child needs time and understanding to balance things out in their head. Maybe they just need to feel like it is safe to show their care for you.

 

[henry23]

I feel your pain I'm in exactly the same position.

I believe it's the mother too. My son clearly showing since last year his mind has been altered and I know he's only saying he wants to see me because the mother has told him because she thinks it gets her out of a breach. I believe she's send him along with things to say about my mother his nan who he spends time with and his half sister claiming i favourite her more. Nonsense.
He's gone in saying all these things to relay what the moms told him to then says I want to see them still.
I strongly believe this because prior to this my son loved spending time with his man and never felt jealous of his sister they spent time together.
The mother on the other hand never liked my mother when I was with her and my oldest daughter was very young when we were together she never liked her told me to not bother with her because I have a new family now. So its clear to me the mud slinging is from the mom.

Sorry I can't offer advice I'm confused myself

I'm just waiting on my report to see the full story and hoping they notice the mothers influence and get her the help she needs so I can have a relationship with my son.Without her toxicity
stay strong

 

[Ash]

Hi. My situation was similar. And my son also clammed up because I stupidly revealed something he said in court papers - which was pointless as it was just hearsay and not evidence - and ex reads all the court papers.
The main thing is - your child is under pressure and has no free will. Think of them as a prisoner. They live with your ex who derogates you and makes them feel bad (or even punishes them?) if they don't agree with her. So they have to keep ex onside - because they need a roof over their heads and live there.

Your ex is saying your child doesn't want to see you because she thinks she can get away with it because child is 13 and usually deemed old enough to decide for themselves.

Another thing I found is that a phone call with a child when at the Mothers - they are different to when they are with you. Partly because they compartmentalise - go into different modes with each parent. When with the ex your child is so used to acting the part the Mother wants, it is normal for them. If with you and away from ex, they would be different.

So you have to believe - your child DOES want to see you and is a prisoner. Don't ever doubt that. The other reason they act out on the phone is fear. They are scared of being punished or rejected by the ex if she heard (she's probably listening). They are also stressed having to say things they don't want to say to please the ex.

Your ex is making allegations to try and scare you off. Sounds like Cafcass didn't fall for it.

The thing to give you strength to keep going is put yourself in your child's shoes - they are living in a warzone and scared. They need to know you're out there and youre not going to give up on them.

And this is huge. Your child was incredibly brave because they told Cafcass they want to see you - AGAINST the Mother's wishes - they risked her disapproval.

In my case this went on until my son was 15 - he started coming of his own accord and then jumped ship.

 

[Ash]

So now you know who is lying - your ex.