Hi guys how ye get kids mother spend more time with kids, it's getting ridiculous at this stage, say in last 20 nights she kept them overnight 3 night. It's supposed be 50/50 but she constantly makes excuses to give them back as soon as takes them, she not a big drinker or drug user I don't her what issue is, I pay her maintenance help her with her bills but I told her this will stop as kids are rarely under her roof, I live away from all my family n friends so no help really, I'm more than happy to look after them full time, I just feel like heading for a burnout as I hardly have a minute myself between work n childcare, the worst part is simply the kids need there mother to be there, I dread to think the affect this is having on them, we have pass there mam house when going places at times and they see she's there and question me why they with me again, she says things like if i paid all her bills she could quit work n be stay at home mam, i never agree to this as i cant afford it and if she doesnt seem want spend time with them now why would she then, kids are 8 and 4, my family and others are getting on my back bout this but im lost as what to do, you cant force a parent see there kids,they have to want too, sry so long ,just needed somewhere vent
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Absent mum
- Thread starter Bruce
- Start date
Hi. Some Dads on here are fighting to get their kids at all so may envy you! But I get the point - it sounds erratic and there are financial issues.
Effectively you have residency of the children and she sees them when it suits her. She might be playing games with you by saying she could be a stay at home Mum if you pay her. She doesn't sound like the type who would be happy to draw up a reasonable parenting plan including schedules and finances, but mediation is an option.
A few questions
1) Who is getting the Government child benefits
2) How long have you been separated
3) Are the kids home addresses with school and GP registered at your house?
Mediation could lead to a consent order but I doubt you'd get any sensible agreement. You could apply for a residency order - meaning you'd get the child benefits which would help and no maintenance to pay to her. But the danger is she might just decide to take them away from you then, so you need some really clear evidence that the kids have spent most of their time with you.
I had something similar when my son was very young. My ex was off all over the place and I did almost all the care when he wasn't in nursery - all the sickness etc. She had weeks away. I was being used as a convenient childcare solution. But as you say it's not good for the child and their bond with the other parent and they can feel abandoned.
But when her circumstances changed (married and had another child) she took him away and I had to go to court. Can you imagine what that does to a child? An absent Mother for years and then whisked away from the parent they are used to? Some people are selfish and dangerous and not fit to have kids basically.
If there are no court orders in place you're equal, but if the arrangements aren't working I'd look at getting them formalised in a Child Arrangements order. To do that you have to try mediation first. Or at least have a first appointment and get signed off to be apply to apply.
A well worded application explaining the situation could lead to a 50/50 order. If she then doesn't follow it and keeps dumping the kids on you then you're in a much stronger position to get a residency order.
Effectively you have residency of the children and she sees them when it suits her. She might be playing games with you by saying she could be a stay at home Mum if you pay her. She doesn't sound like the type who would be happy to draw up a reasonable parenting plan including schedules and finances, but mediation is an option.
A few questions
1) Who is getting the Government child benefits
2) How long have you been separated
3) Are the kids home addresses with school and GP registered at your house?
Mediation could lead to a consent order but I doubt you'd get any sensible agreement. You could apply for a residency order - meaning you'd get the child benefits which would help and no maintenance to pay to her. But the danger is she might just decide to take them away from you then, so you need some really clear evidence that the kids have spent most of their time with you.
I had something similar when my son was very young. My ex was off all over the place and I did almost all the care when he wasn't in nursery - all the sickness etc. She had weeks away. I was being used as a convenient childcare solution. But as you say it's not good for the child and their bond with the other parent and they can feel abandoned.
But when her circumstances changed (married and had another child) she took him away and I had to go to court. Can you imagine what that does to a child? An absent Mother for years and then whisked away from the parent they are used to? Some people are selfish and dangerous and not fit to have kids basically.
If there are no court orders in place you're equal, but if the arrangements aren't working I'd look at getting them formalised in a Child Arrangements order. To do that you have to try mediation first. Or at least have a first appointment and get signed off to be apply to apply.
A well worded application explaining the situation could lead to a 50/50 order. If she then doesn't follow it and keeps dumping the kids on you then you're in a much stronger position to get a residency order.
Thank for feedback Ash, sorry hear of your troubles in past,hope it worked out for you,
on your questions she is in receipt of child benefit, we did a short mediation but at that stage I was just going with flow as I wanted it peaceful avoid it getting nasty, separated 3 years ,kids are addressed to her house as with local school would have to be, I know dad's here struggle see there kids regular n was wary posting as i have it good on that front the opposite would be nightmare, i just want best for kids and my wee girl especially is frustrated she doesn't get more time with her mam, we were suppose have a balance that suits both our work and Free time but way things are gone ill likely have find new job as I do fair bit travelling and stuggle juggle both almost every day, I just wonder is it the case I have pay her regardless, she had mortgage when I met her, my name was never on it and I now live in my dad's, he also tells me stop paying as he knows I have kids most time, I keep diary of all days n nights u have kids
on your questions she is in receipt of child benefit, we did a short mediation but at that stage I was just going with flow as I wanted it peaceful avoid it getting nasty, separated 3 years ,kids are addressed to her house as with local school would have to be, I know dad's here struggle see there kids regular n was wary posting as i have it good on that front the opposite would be nightmare, i just want best for kids and my wee girl especially is frustrated she doesn't get more time with her mam, we were suppose have a balance that suits both our work and Free time but way things are gone ill likely have find new job as I do fair bit travelling and stuggle juggle both almost every day, I just wonder is it the case I have pay her regardless, she had mortgage when I met her, my name was never on it and I now live in my dad's, he also tells me stop paying as he knows I have kids most time, I keep diary of all days n nights u have kids
Hmm. So she has everything registered in her name, and gets all the Child Benefits, and you pay voluntary maintenance, but you look after the kids all the time except occasionally? She could turn round and say she's the resident parent on paper. Would you want it to be 50/50? You could apply to court and explain that the children aren't spending enough time with their Mother and most of the time with you and you think it would be better for them to have 50/50 for their relationships. On the other hand, if your ex isn't that interested in the childcare aspect, would you feel the kids were ok with her half the time or would they get neglected?
I would want 50/50 on basis she wants them there and doesn't see it as a chore forced upon her, she can be a good mam in parts,certainly no abuse, she just wouldn't be pushed taking them places keep them occupied but is caring albeit me trying potty train our wee fella on my own isn't working as I have just have 2 days with him at weekend that are normally broke with some party or event, her job allows her week off every month but she doesn't use it for that benefit he's 4 now so is behind on that, apart from that I couldn't she neglectful just not switched onto things, her older kid (from different dad) did receive silence treatment as punishment in teens when she couldnt deal with him which I didn't agree it ( mentally I thinks it worst kind punishment)if that starts happening in future I will take them to mine regardless, I honesty just think she not right narcissistic/depressed I can't figure her out, she mentioned adhd, I prefer her get help instead this expecting all financial benefits of being a mother without being a mother, I have my owns issue with anxiety etc I came from troubled childhood but I want different for my kids, she knows this why can't understand she wont give me more break now again keep myself straight, feel sometimes she trying break me, I will get some legal advice of my own, I get on great with her father n older son who help as much they can so was trying best to avoid thing getting nasty as I feel I lose there support which is the only support I have in this area as too far from home area, my dad's moved here 10 years ago n last year moved back home house were I was brought up due to illness and let me stay in his house as close to kids school etc, my mum passed some years ago, so pretty much on my own here with no support only her family members n childcare, sorry if going on too much just try give full picture it's messy
Potty training is hard with separated parenting schedules. It probably will take longer. I did all that too and after being back at ex's he'd regress again.
A few things helped a lot. Motivation. I had a reward chart. Various things on it for rewards but I made one specifically for potty training. It had sections like - using the potty when asked - pulling my pants up myself - doing a wee at bedtime. That kind of thing. He got a star on the chart for every achievement each day and after so many stars he got a small chocolate thing. It really motivates them then they get in the habit.
Night time was harder. I got a potty chair for next to the bed. He liked it as it was a chair. It was to be used before he went to sleep. I'd sometimes wake him in the night to use it (when night time training - but get daytime sorted first!) so he didn't have to go all the way to the bathroom, crying and half asleep (they don't like being woken up). and he knew to use it as soon as he woke up.
Get the daytime sorted first though. And expect regression now and then. My ex used to smack him for wetting his pants which just kept setting things back again.
A few things helped a lot. Motivation. I had a reward chart. Various things on it for rewards but I made one specifically for potty training. It had sections like - using the potty when asked - pulling my pants up myself - doing a wee at bedtime. That kind of thing. He got a star on the chart for every achievement each day and after so many stars he got a small chocolate thing. It really motivates them then they get in the habit.
Night time was harder. I got a potty chair for next to the bed. He liked it as it was a chair. It was to be used before he went to sleep. I'd sometimes wake him in the night to use it (when night time training - but get daytime sorted first!) so he didn't have to go all the way to the bathroom, crying and half asleep (they don't like being woken up). and he knew to use it as soon as he woke up.
Get the daytime sorted first though. And expect regression now and then. My ex used to smack him for wetting his pants which just kept setting things back again.
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