A truly terrible situation.

[Beachy Head]

Hi,I really do not know where to start with this but i guess i should just blurt it out in the most comprehensible way possible.

I met my ex back in 2013.She is a xxxx National. I was backwards and forwards to her country during the first year or so that i met her.I work online but the internet out there was not fast enough for my needs,so i returned to the UK to do my work.She got pregnant by me very early in 2014 and in September of that year our daughter was born.I was 44 when she was born and she was my first and only child.Although she is 100% my child we did not get round to putting my name of the Birth Certificate.Around about Nov 2016 when i was living in the UK and she was in xxxxx she started to become more and more distant.

What happened is she got talking to another British guy online.This all happened when i came home to the UK to rebuild my business so that i could afford to bring her and my daughter to the UK.Then in late 2017 she stopped communicating with me altogether.It subsequently transpired that she not only met this guy,she married him and had a child (daughter) by him in 2019.They are now living with their daughter somewhere in the Midlands.The very sad part of this is that they left my daughter behind with her Mother,a woman who is a very strict and angry woman,and who has a history of hitting children.

As things stand now i have had no contact with my daughter on my ex since late 2017.It is soul destroying knowing that..

1.My daughter does not know me.
2.The woman who my daughter is now living with will be smacking her.
3.My daughter will be wondering why her mother has abandoned her.She is also now old enough to use social media and see her mom,sister and the other guy enjoying a great life in the UK.
4.My daughter will be living a miserable existance.
5.The guy has adopted my daughter and given her his name.

I have sent countless messages to my ex and her mom asking about my daughter through Social media,emails etc and i have had no reply whatsoever.

Now that my ex is here and living with her new husband she is still ignoring my requests to see my daughter on cam,and this really amounts to coercive behaviour i am told.

I have contacted the Police but they just do not want to know.(i just wonder what would happen if the boot was on the other foot.)..She will probably have a British Passport now, is living here and ,in my opinion,may well be breaking our laws.

I would not dare go out to xxxx to look for my daughter because i have been threatened with violence already.

I am totally and utterly at my wits' end with this.I have been told my somebody who has vast experience dealing with stories like this that going through the xxxxx Courts will be very time consuming and a massive drain on my finances.Success is also far from guaranteed.


In short what my ex and her partner have done is block me out of my daughter's life,while at the same time abandoning her themselves.

The child has been used as a lever to extract money from me (many,many thousands) while at the same time a weapon to metaphorically hit me with.

Please,can anybody suggest a solution to this...or failing that,a way to cope with this utter catastrophe in my life.?

 

[Ash]

Hi. I'm sorry to hear this. Is it the case that you are still not on the birth certificate then? I'm not sure which court it would be but I would think it would be the Uk courts. You'd need legal advice on that. They could make an order that says your daughter has to be returned to the Uk, to you, because you're her other parent and her Mother has abandoned her basically - even though it's with a relative.

The difficulty might be (amongst other things) that you're not on the birth certificate so don't have parental responsibility. To get parental responsbility you may need to have a court ordered DNA test. Unless your ex agrees a) you're the Father and b) you can have parental responsibility.

There is also nationality. Was your daughter born in xxxxx then? It sounds like it. Presumably she doesn't have a British passport then.

This is all pretty big stuff and I think the first thing to do is get some legal advice - you can get a free half hour with a solicitor but ideally it needs to be someone up on international matters.

Your daughter may well be fine - she has never lived anywhere else so is in a familiar culture. I am sure she must miss her Mother - how old was she when your ex came back to the Uk? If she was born in 2014 she must be 10 now.

How could your ex's new husband adopt her without your permission? Ok so it needs the permission of everyone with PR and you didn't have PR but in that case they still usually say that they need to consult the biological Father. It may have been an illegal adoption if your ex claimed Father unknown or something. Also why did he do that if leaving her in another country?

Is it possible that your daughter herself decided she didn't want to move to the Uk with your ex and her husband and wanted to stay in xxxx with Grandma?

Who has threatened you with violence if you go to xxxxx?

 

[Ash]

I'll just add - I think it will be difficult. If you've never met your daughter before the court might look at that and think why? If you didn't see your ex and daughter for a year or two - because you were working in the Uk, they might think you should have gone to see them. One of the things they look at when giving PR is how committed you've been. You say they came to the Uk in 2017 - that's 7 years ago now. And although you said you've tried contacting your ex, the court might ask why wait 7 years? The best way, if at all possible, might be to try and send a solicitor's letter to your ex first and say you want to discuss matters and arrange to meet your daughter.

 

[Beachy Head]

Hi Ash,and thank you for the response.I will clear up a few points that you raise if i may,

1.My name is not on the birth certificate.My ex's husband's name is apparently now on the certificate at the Father.

2.My daughter was born in zzzzz.

3.As soon as she started seeing this new guy,i pre-empted what would happen and told my ex countless times not to put his name on the Birth Certificate.They went ahead and ignored what i asked.

4.My daughter is 10 now.

5.I do not think my daughter has a British passport but i am not 100% sure.

6. "I am sure she must miss her Mother - how old was she when your ex came back to the Uk? If she was born in 2014 she must be 10 now."

My ex did not so much "move back to the UK"...She came here for the very first time in 2022,as a married woman....So my daughter was 8 when abandoned by my ex.

7.My daughter will definitely not have wanted to be separated from her Mother and step-sister.

8. "If you've never met your daughter before the court might look at that and think why?"......i have met her many times.I even lived with my ex and daughter in xxxxx.

9. "And although you said you've tried contacting your ex, the court might ask why wait 7 years? "

Since late 2017 i have sent COUNTLESS messages through social media and countless emails to my ex inquiring about my daughter's welfare.

Is there anybody there i could talk to on the phone please?....If not somebody there then can you suggest a solicitor who can give me 30 minutes free time on the phone please?>...I am in a desperate situation right now.

Let's be brutally honest about this.I could spend tens of thousands of pounds and hundreds of hours obtaining access to my daughter through the courts,only for my ex to still ignore the court order and deny me access.That is the reality of it all.

The Golden Rule is this ...MAN =BAD.....WOMAN=GOOD............and in this world of ours,the Police and Courts always take the "Path of Least Resistance."

Cheers.

 

[Ash]

Most family solicitors will give a free half hour's legal advice. The first issue could be proving paternity if someone else's name is on the birth certificate. You may have messages that prove this, but ultimately it would still need a DNA test unless your ex agrees you're the Father.

How can she put someone else on the birth certificate if he has only adopted her?

Can't agree with the idea that all women are like this - we have female members on here as well. Courts do look at both sides equally - when there are no welfare issues such as domestic abuse. Unfortunately there are some who will make false allegations to achieve an end.

 

[Beachy Head]

Hi,just to clarify...i wasn't saying that all women are nasty and deceitful..It just seems to me that in the world of custody battles,the Police and Courts tend to favour the women.If i used the word "adopted" then i actually mean that he has made himself the Father.

 

[Ash]

Ok so it wasn't a formal adoption then - just that your ex put him on the birth certificate. In international cases like this, it's not so much that a court favours the Mother, it's the difficulty of the international element and proof of parentage. Your daughter has a passport from that country presumably so it may well end up being in the xxxxx courts rather than the Uk courts. I don't know what their requirements would be to prove parentage but a Uk lawyer maybe able to advise what to do next. Did your ex put him on the birth certificate in her country as well?

 

[Ash]

i have met her many times.I even lived with my ex and daughter in xxxxx.

Sorry I didn't realise that from your first message. When was the last time you saw your daughter?

According to google, the Hague Convention doesn't apply in your ex's home country. However the information on the link may be useful for dealing with the courts in that country.

Gov info in this situation

 

[Ash]

It says this

" xxxx law provides that while a child is still a minor, they are
subject to parental powers. If the person exercising parental power (either
the mother or father) is judged by the xxxx court to be incompetent, abuses
their parental power or is guilty of gross misconduct, the court may order
the removal of ‘parental power’ either partly or wholly"

While this may be positive, I think the maternal grandmother could try to disrupt any attempt claiming she has been the effective "parent" for a certain length of time and is of the same nationality. But it does look like you'll need to deal with the courts in that country.

Who has threatened you with violence if you go there? It's not that small a country so they wouldn't necessarily know where you were staying. A solicitor might be able to tell you whether you could apply to the courts in that country without actually being there.

That link says they treat men and women equally there. If you're thinking about doing it, you'd better act quick as it says a case can take between 6 months and 8 years, but they don't become an adult until age 20.

 

[Beachy Head]

I have had a one hour conversation with a lady at Reunite who is VERY experienced in parental wrangles originating in this country.She has told me that it will take years and very probably cost a lot of money in an attempt to get my daughter.She also told me that it is a corrupt system and it very rarely ends well for a foreign Plaintiff.She has said that she has helped many Dads with legal wrangles in said country.

What i cannot get my head around is that my ex is exhibiting coercive behaviour by blocking me out of my daughter's life .This is against the law,however they are not willing to enforce said law.

thanks again.

 

[bujanin]

You're trying to keep the name of the country out of it but it is revealed twice in the posts.

 

[Beachy Head]

You're trying to keep the name of the country out of it but it is revealed twice in the posts.

On the contrary.But let's not go into details about this.

 

[Ash]

I edited out the name of the country for anonymity @bujanin - I'll go back and check again. Edited and also the link title.

 

[Ash]

I have had a one hour conversation with a lady at Reunite who is VERY experienced in parental wrangles originating in this country.She has told me that it will take years and very probably cost a lot of money in an attempt to get my daughter.She also told me that it is a corrupt system and it very rarely ends well for a foreign Plaintiff.She has said that she has helped many Dads with legal wrangles in said country.

What i cannot get my head around is that my ex is exhibiting coercive behaviour by blocking me out of my daughter's life .This is against the law,however they are not willing to enforce said law.

thanks again.

It's also very hard to prove coercive and controlling behaviours. Unfortunately the Police don't take men as seriously as women either. They may not consider it coercive behaviour, but just a "disagreement" between parents and say - go to the family courts. They tend to consider it more when two people are living in the same house, in a relationship I think, which you're not.

I'm sorry it was not good news from reunite. I think you should consider maybe trying to reach an amicable agreement to go out there and visit your daughter. If there is no contact with your ex directly, you could get a solicitor's letter sent to her perhaps.

It is very difficult. I wonder if there is an organisation in that country that could help be a go between?

 

[Beachy Head]

Thanks again for the advice,Ash.

Unfortunately the situation is hopeless.What we are dealing with here is an evil,manipulative,calculating woman.She is totally and utter intransigent and filled with hatred

Cheers.

 

[Beachy Head]

WHEN ALL OPTIONS HAVE BEEN EXHAUSTED......................................................What can a man do?

When the Police stand idly by while the ex breaks the law on a daily basis.
When mediation attempts are ignored
When the child is in danger of being physically abused and has been taken out of school
When lawyers turn their back on you and the case is filed under "too difficult" due to an international element being involved in the case,and a person involved is outside of our jurisdiction.

I ASK....WHAT CAN BE DONE?

 

[Ash]

Have you contacted social services, if the child isn't in school and is at risk of harm?

 

[Beachy Head]

God bless you ash...You do a lot of work here and must be very busy,hence you do not remember my circumstances,which are detailed in depth further up this thread.The question i asked was a rhetorical question-in other words there is no real answer to it.

 

[Ash]

Sorry, just read back. I would just try everything you can. Whatever negativity you get from Reunite. Also presumably the country your daughter is in does have a social services? And she must be at school. I think her school would report anything if they thought she was having a bad time at home. Could you also find out which school she is at and try to make contact via the school?

Otherwise the only thing I can think is to go there and ask for some kind of formal mediation with the grandmother.

 

[Beachy Head]

Have you contacted social services, if the child isn't in school and is at risk of harm?

My daughter lives in a corrupt Banana Republic,where Social Service personnel are about as rare as hen's teeth.