A few questions

[SJP]

Last court appearance was October 27th where the judge ordered a section 7 report be done, this will not be completed until February so I have an interim order that I have my son every other weekend and my daughter lives with me but spends time with mother every Sunday. First question is, as Xmas falls on a Sunday this year would I still have to take my daughter to her mother? She does not want to spend Xmas day with her. Secondly Xmas falls on the weekend I'm not scheduled to see my son but I would love for both kids to spend Xmas with me as last year the Mother kicked me out of the house as I had had the audacity to go out with my friends a few days earlier so didn't get to be with my kids on Xmas til around 8pm when she realised she wanted a babysitter as she was having a party so I was then allowed to collect them. It's been 2 years since i spent xmas with my kids, i know she wont let me have my son for xmas until she wants me to babysit if at all.
Is there anything I could apply to court for? What chance would I have of them granting me Xmas with my kids?
Lastly, since last court appearance I haven't received the updated order, I think my daughters visits with her mother are being breached as she's meant to have a supervisor there during visits which isn't happening and is not meant to be at her mother's house which is happening ever week. As I don't have the recent order I'm not sure if those conditions have been added as they were previously so not sure if she's breaching or not. Thanks as always for any advice.

 

[Ash]

I take it the interim order didn't include arrangements for the Christmas period? If not then you're stuck with what the order says unless the Mother agrees to be reasonable. Which seems unlikely! And if she did agree to a change then there would no doubt be strings attached. What I suggest you do is stick this out and follow the order, but have a second Christmas on another day. I had to do that for years and with older children it's fine - they get to have two Christmases! It's not very nice for us if they're away but I used to spend Christmas Day wrapping presents ready for when my son came.

So presumably your son will be with you New Year week-end then? So you could all have a second Christmas at New Year. Save his presents till then.

 

[Ash]

You could try asking your ex to swap some time - after all she did that on your son's birthday. If she won't then ask for a video call on Christmas Day.

 

[SJP]

You could try asking your ex to swap some time - after all she did that on your son's birthday. If she won't then ask for a video call on Christmas Day.

So I have to take my daughter to her on Xmas day? She really doesn't want that as she knows what happens on Xmas day at that house, unfortunately at court I didn't realise that s7 would take so long and didn't mention Xmas at all, there's not a chance she would swap weekends as it means best of both for her, kid free at new year although my daughter would be there news years day, I'm thinking about having Xmas a week earlier instead of after I'm not sure yet. On his birthday that was when I had to pick him up late and she sent that blackmail email to my solicitor because the supervisor wS on holiday and she just decided to change it to a family friend that my daughter doesn't trust, she was proved right. This is horrible

 

[Ash]

This does happen in the interim - holiday periods come up and they're not accounted for in the order. Technically your daughter lives with you. Even though every Sunday is ordered with the Mother.

What you could try (but it could release a lot of disruption) is something like the following email:

"Dear Ex Name

As Christmas falls over a week-end, we will need to make some adjustments so the children can enjoy time over Christmas with both of us.

I propose that x spends Saturday morning (Christmas Eve) and Sunday morning (Christmas Day) with you. And y returns with her on the afternoon of Christmas Day until 7pm. Please let me know if you agree with this."

It needs to be formal like that as you might need to use it for evidence. Presumably you'd have to send it to her solicitor?

 

[SJP]

Neither of us are represented now Ash, she did allow me to have an extra overnight with my son for one of my older daughters birthdays a few weeks ago where I asked her via text and she agreed. I think she would be happy for me to take my son Xmas afternoon/evening as that's party time as is boxing day for her so win win if she's child free. I was thinking about asking her for more time over Xmas hols and still having new year weekend, I think she might agree to it as she'll be off work too. I'll see what happens, I don't want her accusing me of harassment though but how else are we supposed to arrange anything?

 

[Ash]

Just do it carefully then. The thing is if you want a lot of extra time with your son, she will want extra time with your daughter (that seems to be how she responds). But yes maybe ask if he can come Christmas Day afternoon and Boxing Day back with your daughter (which will mean it cuts her Sunday short so you'll need to offer additional time for your daughter as well).

How about. Daughter goes to her on the Saturday until 4pm then goes back Christmas Day morning until 3pm when you pick up both kids and take your son back Boxing day evening. Then back to normal schedule for New Year week-end.

 

[Kyle]

I'm in the same boat SJP. I cannot see my boy outside the contact centre until the final orders made from the Final Hearing in February. So no Christmas Day with my son for the first time in our lives. A bitter pill to swallow. I've got it out of my system. I've shed the tear. But when all is said an done, we just have to make full use of what time we've got and believe that it's not going to be forever.

My dad as been granted interim direct contact and he has my son for four hours on 18th December, so he's planning to cook Christmas dinner and let my son open his presents with him then. The painful reality is that I am not allowed to join them!

But I will see my son for 2 hours in the contact centre the day before, so I will take my Christmas presents with me, and that will be my Christmas Day with him.

I have absolutely no chance of contacting the ex because of my situation but if I did, a polite, professional and brief email to ask the ex to make special arrangements would be on the cards.

Fingers crossed your ex is reasonable and your kids can have a happy and disruption free time with you.

 

[SJP]

Just do it carefully then. The thing is if you want a lot of extra time with your son, she will want extra time with your daughter (that seems to be how she responds). But yes maybe ask if he can come Christmas Day afternoon and Boxing Day back with your daughter (which will mean it cuts her Sunday short so you'll need to offer additional time for your daughter as well).

How about. Daughter goes to her on the Saturday until 4pm then goes back Christmas Day morning until 3pm when you pick up both kids and take your son back Boxing day evening. Then back to normal schedule for New Year week-end.

Yeah, it's worth a try. Thing is, she hasn't asked me for any extra time with our daughter, today is her birthday and I thought she might want to swap days so she could be with her but no. She's been trying to tell our daughter that she wants to stay overnight with her but daughter keeps telling her she doesn't want to which is causing arguments as the visits now have no supervisor, not sure how that's happened, and they tend to be in Mothers house, again something she doesn't want, maybe she's not asking as she doesn't want to be told she doesn't want to.

 

[SJP]

I'm in the same boat SJP. I cannot see my boy outside the contact centre until the final orders made from the Final Hearing in February. So no Christmas Day with my son for the first time in our lives. A bitter pill to swallow. I've got it out of my system. I've shed the tear. But when all is said an done, we just have to make full use of what time we've got and believe that it's not going to be forever.

My dad as been granted interim direct contact and he has my son for four hours on 18th December, so he's planning to cook Christmas dinner and let my son open his presents with him then. The painful reality is that I am not allowed to join them!

But I will see my son for 2 hours in the contact centre the day before, so I will take my Christmas presents with me, and that will be my Christmas Day with him.

I have absolutely no chance of contacting the ex because of my situation but if I did, a polite, professional and brief email to ask the ex to make special arrangements would be on the cards.

Fingers crossed your ex is reasonable and your kids can have a happy and disruption free time with you.

Sorry to hear that Kyle, your situation sounds worse than mine. I'm betting you did nothing wrong to justify those contact terms aswell. I know it won't be forever but I thdink to a child it seems that way. My son on our last weekend together told me that what he wanted for Xmas was me and mam back together! That can't happen because of what she did but he told her the same thing and was told that it might happen one day!



To me that's giving him false hope. He doesn't understand what she did to us.

 

[Kyle]

False allegations of alcohol abuse to support a claim I'm a welfare risk that must be disproved before its all over and I can have an order with direct contact.

I used to think like that too, but children don't have the same grasp of time as we do. Us adults count every second of the time we are denied with them and really feel the hurt of that but time is a bit more transient for children. You have to try and take some comfort from that. Although it's easier said than done.

After not seeing my boy for 10 months, the first contact centre session was a heart breaker. He has changed a lot. He's grown a few more inches and is not the child he was at the start of the year. I have lost all of that time. He is underweight and looks anemic because he's not being looked after and keeps asking if he could come and live with me. To have to answer those questions with a "no" is really painful I know. But she shouldn't be saying those things. That is low level emotional abuse in my eyes.

My methods for dealing with the negativity of the exes actions are to counter them with more positive actions. If she says or does one negative act, I respond with 10 positive acts.

What most of these women don't realise is that one day these children are going to be adults. They will then put the events of their childhoods together for themselves and someones going to have a lot to answer for.

I hope this has a positive outcome for you all.

 

[Concerned-Dad]

I had the judge tell me I have to take my son to my ex twice a week at a specified time and day and the judge specifically said if any holidays (Christmas/New Year/ Bank Holidays etc) fall on those days nothing changes I still have to take him. Luckily Christmas doesnt fall on those days but a bank holiday does (where I will take him)

Im far from an expert in family court matters but based on my experiences the days/times set by the court are the days/times and public holidays dont matter.

In my case its a newborn though and the judge said Christmas doesnt mean anything to the baby anyway and just to the parents. I guess an older child there might be an argument that could be put forward that it does.

 

[Ash]

Sorry to hear that Kyle, your situation sounds worse than mine. I'm betting you did nothing wrong to justify those contact terms aswell. I know it won't be forever but I thdink to a child it seems that way. My son on our last weekend together told me that what he wanted for Xmas was me and mam back together! That can't happen because of what she did but he told her the same thing and was told that it might happen one day!



To me that's giving him false hope. He doesn't understand what she did to us.

That is also to make you look like the bad guy! What she's basically doing is saying - well I'd be ok with getting back together. Then you have to explain to him that isn't going to happen so she'll make it look like your fault! I would just say. I understand you want that and it would be better and I'm sorry this has happened, but sometimes two adults just can't live together any more but we both still love you very much. You could add - I would also like for you to have one normal stable family and I'm sorry Mum and I couldn't make things work.

When he's older you can tell him a bit more but they can't handle it at this age. Also it messes them up if they hear anything bad about the other parent. The sad thing is, he probably knows nothing different to his Mum being drunk sometimes so doesn't see how bad it is. Over time he'll gain a perspective now you're separated and see what's good and what's not so good.

I noticed you're having a few problems with the quote facility .

After quoting a post, just click the cursor in the box below the greyed out box with the quote in (or hit return - one or the other) and your message should appear under the quote rather than within it.

 

[SJP]

Yeah I've no doubt she would happily come back one day if she thinks I'm over her assaulting me and cheating but I couldn't do that to myself again, it kills me knowing what she did without a second thought for what it would do to the kids let alone me. The kids hear nothing negative about her from me and I tell them no matter what happens we both love you. He will understand as he grows that what she does is wrong, he already knows he doesn't like it. Our daughter already knows and hence her refusal to have much to do with her. He'll figure out that I'm hot going back when he's old enough I think and I'm sure he'll understand why aswell. She can't change, she argued with our daughter just last week as she refused to go on a holiday she's planning abroad to see the friend she used to drink with . She said she won't go as she'll be drinking all the time, instead of saying OK ill not drink she said " damn right ill be drinking on my holiday" I don't need to say anything negative about her, she does it herself.