1 night stand pregnancy

[Bigredmachine]

Just a little update, she still refused paternity test at birth but then offered a prenatal one…at my own cost (£1k) and it wasn’t legally binding, and administered by yourself at home, after legal advice I was told to refuse this as was a hiding to nothing.

she then told me to forget it and live with my decision.

Finally after another chat with midwife we did a reverse due date calculation going off the due date scan told us… going off this which isn’t 100% granted but the window she conceived is starting the week before we had sex ending 3days before we had sex. Meaning it’s very likely she was already pregnant when we had sex

it continues to not add up…

 

[Ash]

As you say sge should have a dna test if she has nothing to hide but perhaps she wants to be a single Mum.

 

[Ash]

Do you think she will still tell people you’re the Dad because she doesn’t want to look like a erm - slapper?! But she can’t really do that if she won’t have a dna test to prove it one way or the other.

I know for a fact my ex told the other guy she was pregnant first and he said get lost. She then told me it was mine. (I didn’t find all this out till later). She probably didn’t have a clue who the Dad was. Difference was - she wanted child support.

 

[Bigredmachine]

Do you think she will still tell people you’re the Dad because she doesn’t want to look like a erm - slapper?! But she can’t really do that if she won’t have a dna test to prove it one way or the other.

I know for a fact my ex told the other guy she was pregnant first and he said get lost. She then told me it was mine. (I didn’t find all this out till later). She probably didn’t have a clue who the Dad was. Difference was - she wanted child support.

Hi ash, hope you are well.
Tbh I think this might be a similar position to yours, the “other guy” I don’t have a clue who he is other than he lives over a 100 miles away, she wouldn’t have to worry about me bumping into him and swapping stories.

If she did go to him 1st it would explain the bit of delay telling me she was pregnant and my surprise now that even though her mum and presume rest of her family know, they havent come to me with pitchforks etc

 

[Scotay]

Refused a paternity test at birth but offered a prenatal one, at £1k your cost and not legally binding..

She knows this kid isn't yours mate and she looks like she trying to save face with the family.

I think you have dodged a bullet here, run fast, run hard.

 

[Bigredmachine]

Refused a paternity test at birth but offered a prenatal one, at £1k your cost and not legally binding..

She knows this kid isn't yours mate and she looks like she trying to save face with the family.

I think you have dodged a bullet here, run fast, run hard.

I hope to god you are right with this one Scotay.

Theres just so many red flags that are contributing to my doubt and not adding up.

Maybe she is right and doesn’t want it hanging over her during pregnancy and maybe she will change her mind once born, but from every other mum and single mother I’ve spoke to theyve said only way you’d refuse a dna test is if you have something to hide and that if you knew for certain you’d just agree and have it done.

I feel the “£1k you pay it yourself” was calling my bluff, knowing full well I wouldn’t do that whilst also cleansing her conscience with herself and family “listen I offered him this and he said no so Ive done all I can, his loss”

Meaning she can save face with family, friends etc, tell the child fabricated truth if they ever ask, whilst ultimately for whatever reason, being a single mum and being able to do it all her way.

where can I run fast and hard to haha

 

[Scotay]

I hope to god you are right with this one Scotay.

Theres just so many red flags that are contributing to my doubt and not adding up.

Maybe she is right and doesn’t want it hanging over her during pregnancy and maybe she will change her mind once born, but from every other mum and single mother I’ve spoke to theyve said only way you’d refuse a dna test is if you have something to hide and that if you knew for certain you’d just agree and have it done.

I feel the “£1k you pay it yourself” was calling my bluff, knowing full well I wouldn’t do that whilst also cleansing her conscience with herself and family “listen I offered him this and he said no so Ive done all I can, his loss”

Meaning she can save face with family, friends etc, tell the child fabricated truth if they ever ask, whilst ultimately for whatever reason, being a single mum and being able to do it all her way.

where can I run fast and hard to haha

Like all the mums you spoke to said, refusing a DNA test is hiding proof that she would be found out.

Looks like she doesn't want her family/friends to know it was some one night stand with some guy but from a local guy who has done the dirty and abandoned her and they baby.

The fact she's saying you need not have any input to help or financial is another red flag as again a DNA test would be requested and the truth known.

Don't know where you live, town/village but you need to make it clear your not the Dad as to me it looks like you are being set up as the deadbeat father who got xxx pregnant and has washed his hand with the mother and baby, i.e. your the bad guy, she's the victim.

I would assume it would make hard for her to claim benefits as i would assume they ask who is the dad to get CMS to hound for maintenance.

 

[Bigredmachine]

Like all the mums you spoke to said, refusing a DNA test is hiding proof that she would be found out.

Looks like she doesn't want her family/friends to know it was some one night stand with some guy but from a local guy who has done the dirty and abandoned her and they baby.

The fact she's saying you need not have any input to help or financial is another red flag as again a DNA test would be requested and the truth known.

Don't know where you live, town/village but you need to make it clear your not the Dad as to me it looks like you are being set up as the deadbeat father who got xxx pregnant and has washed his hand with the mother and baby, i.e. your the bad guy, she's the victim.

I would assume it would make hard for her to claim benefits as i would assume they ask who is the dad to get CMS to hound for maintenance.

Well that’s another thing, she is happy to not tell anyone im the Father, only her mum knows and she has “promised” that my name will go no further.
she also told me not to mention to my mum who she is. Another red flag.

so she won’t be able to claim any child benefit from the government without disclosing who the father is?

 

[Scotay]

Well that’s another thing, she is happy to not tell anyone im the Father, only her mum knows and she has “promised” that my name will go no further.
she also told me not to mention to my mum who she is. Another red flag.

so she won’t be able to claim any child benefit from the government without disclosing who the father is?

This smells of total BS to me, her and her mum keeping secret as to who the dad is and for you not to tell your mother...

I would call their bluff and tell them to come out and name you so you can do what you want to either be the dad or dispute it and clear your name, its what i would do. If they don't then walk away knowing your conscience is clear.

I'm not too sure about how the benefit system works as I've never had to use it luckily but i would assume if she is planning to claim for herself and the baby she has to disclose who the dad is or state she doesn't know, but unless her family are rich i doubt it would be a very comfortable life living off state benefits.

It would be spelt out to her she can get any benefits topped up by naming the father so CMS get involved to garnish any earnings. But if she named you then the DNA test would be offered to prove who the father is, or isn't..

 

[Bigredmachine]

This smells of total BS to me, her and her mum keeping secret as to who the dad is and for you not to tell your mother...

I would call their bluff and tell them to come out and name you so you can do what you want to either be the dad or dispute it and clear your name, its what i would do. If they don't then walk away knowing your conscience is clear.

I'm not too sure about how the benefit system works as I've never had to use it luckily but i would assume if she is planning to claim for herself and the baby she has to disclose who the dad is or state she doesn't know, but unless her family are rich i doubt it would be a very comfortable life living off state benefits.

It would be spelt out to her she can get any benefits topped up by naming the father so CMS get involved to garnish any earnings. But if she named you then the DNA test would be offered to prove who the father is, or isn't..

I’ve had a quick look and doesnt seem like the father has to be mentioned for state benefit just as like you say for CMS reasons, but then that comes with the DNA test which she is refusing.

Her family are quite well off and she has a good job too, she said when she told me she was keeping the child she based it on doing it alone and worked out the budget from there. She has stated several times she would want nothing off me if I walked away so maybe just maybe she will let it lie. But I dont think she took into consideration cost of living crisis…

As for calling their bluff it might come to that one day but up to now I’ve heard nothing from any of her family which I thought was odd, again my mum said if it was her daughter she would be going to the fathers house and asking what was going on. Each to their own I guess.

 

[Ash]

I am not entirely sure about this but if you really wanted a dna test, to be sure, and she has refused, then I think you could ask for it to be court ordered anyway. I wouldn’t trust her or her Mother to keep it secret anyway.

 

[Ash]

Some info below. Basically a Mother can refuse to have a child or herself dna tested and unless you’re the Father on the birth certificate you don’t have PR - so it’s solely the Mother’s decision. So it’s a bit of a catch 22! If you accept you’re the Father and go on the birth certificate then you have PR and a say in whether the child is tested or not (but the Mother can still refuse and accurate testing needs samples from Mother, child and Father). If you want to know from dna tests if you’re the Father before being on the birth certificate, and the Mother refuses then only the court can order it.

The problem with a non legal test is verifying if the swabs are genuine - either of you could do a fake swab so it’s a bit pointless. A legal test has someone come out to do the swabs.

This explains it all in more detail

Can a Mother Refuse a Paternity Test? | AlphaBiolabs UK

A quick trawl through discussion forums on popular parenting websites sees a familiar question being raised: Can a mother refuse a paternity test?

www.alphabiolabs.co.uk

Get a DNA test

DNA testing can be used in child maintenance or inheritance disputes, or applications for contact with a child or for a child to settle in the UK

www.gov.uk

 

[Ash]

But - playing devils advocate for a moment. If you want to know now rather than after the baby is born then the only option is a prenatal test which is a peace of mind test but 100% accurate according to this. All they need is a blood test and mouth swab from the Mother and a mouth swab from you. According to this site it costs £795.

So in a way she is calling your bluff a bit. Like saying if you don’t believe me and want to know now then fine I consent to this. Which actually is the only option. Then you need to work out if she’s bluffing. Ie is she thinking - well I’ve agreed so he’ll probably just believe me now rather than paying the money. Or is she so certain that she is prepared to go along with this.

Prenatal Paternity Test | Non-Invasive Prenatal (NIPP) DNA Testing Kit | AlphaBiolabs UK

Non-Invasive Prenatal Paternity DNA Test from AlphaBiolabs. Home Prenatal DNA testing kit to determine the paternity before the baby is born. 100% Accurate, Safe & Fast Results

www.alphabiolabs.co.uk

 

[Ash]

It’s not a great position to be in - if you want to know for sure then it’s going to cost money.

Whereas if it’s court ordered, after the birth, you share the cost - but you also have to pay the £350 application fee. So it could work out about the same cost.

If she’s fairly well off in her family you could send a polite email saying something like

“Than you for agreeing to a prenatal dna test to provide certainty and reassurance for all at this emotional time. I have had a quote for £795, and in the interests of goodwill it would be appreciated if the cost could be shared by both parents and/or their families.

Kind regards - you”

 

[Bigredmachine]

Some info below. Basically a Mother can refuse to have a child or herself dna tested and unless you’re the Father on the birth certificate you don’t have PR - so it’s solely the Mother’s decision. So it’s a bit of a catch 22! If you accept you’re the Father and go on the birth certificate then you have PR and a say in whether the child is tested or not (but the Mother can still refuse and accurate testing needs samples from Mother, child and Father). If you want to know from dna tests if you’re the Father before being on the birth certificate, and the Mother refuses then only the court can order it.

The problem with a non legal test is verifying if the swabs are genuine - either of you could do a fake swab so it’s a bit pointless. A legal test has someone come out to do the swabs.

This explains it all in more detail

Can a Mother Refuse a Paternity Test? | AlphaBiolabs UK

A quick trawl through discussion forums on popular parenting websites sees a familiar question being raised: Can a mother refuse a paternity test?

www.alphabiolabs.co.uk

Get a DNA test

DNA testing can be used in child maintenance or inheritance disputes, or applications for contact with a child or for a child to settle in the UK

www.gov.uk

It’s a shambolic bit of legislation and law if you ask me that totally, yet again, favours the mother.

Example being, a woman you have never met in your life could accuse you of being the father of her child and you’d be obliged to take a dna test by court , if you refused (like a mother can with no consequence) then you are assumed to be the father and start paying maintenance. Totally unfair imo.

As mentioned earlier and because of her sketchy behaviour and red flags I won’t be going anywhere near this woman or child unless I get summoned by court to do a dna test. Thankfully as it was a ONS I dont get automatic PR so won’t be on that BC unless I attend with her, which I won’t.

As my solicitor said - it’s up to her now to prove paternity and pursue.

 

[Bigredmachine]

But - playing devils advocate for a moment. If you want to know now rather than after the baby is born then the only option is a prenatal test which is a peace of mind test but 100% accurate according to this. All they need is a blood test and mouth swab from the Mother and a mouth swab from you. According to this site it costs £795.

So in a way she is calling your bluff a bit. Like saying if you don’t believe me and want to know now then fine I consent to this. Which actually is the only option. Then you need to work out if she’s bluffing. Ie is she thinking - well I’ve agreed so he’ll probably just believe me now rather than paying the money. Or is she so certain that she is prepared to go along with this.

Prenatal Paternity Test | Non-Invasive Prenatal (NIPP) DNA Testing Kit | AlphaBiolabs UK

Non-Invasive Prenatal Paternity DNA Test from AlphaBiolabs. Home Prenatal DNA testing kit to determine the paternity before the baby is born. 100% Accurate, Safe & Fast Results

www.alphabiolabs.co.uk

As mentioned earlier, my solicitor has advised me to not go near this “offer” as it’s not legally binding and results can be tampered. Nothing stopping her disregardimg any result and then pursuing again after child is born OR if I wanted the child but she didn’t want me involved her giving someone else’s sample so there is no DNA link.

Ive been clear with her, its a court summoned, legally binding, professional one at birth or nothing

 

[Ash]

Posted at the same time - I replied just before you - above. Sounds like she doesn’t want to prove paternity though. Which leaves you uncertain although understand your decision.

I think she is trying to get you to make a decision as to whether you want to be involved or not and if she has offered to do a prenatal test and you decline she can then tell the child - he just didn’t want to be involved - I offered him a paternity test and he turned it down.

 

[Ash]

As mentioned earlier, my solicitor has advised me to not go near this “offer” as it’s not legally binding and results can be tampered. Nothing stopping her disregardimg any result and then pursuing again after child is born OR if I wanted the child but she didn’t want me involved her giving someone else’s sample so there is no DNA link.

Ive been clear with her, its a court summoned, legally binding, professional one at birth or nothing

Fair enough.

 

[Ash]

Apparently if the Mother names you as the Father and claims CMS then you have to pay it unless you can prove you’re not the Father and the onus is on you to get paternity tests at that time via the courts. Which also seems very biased! Even so she should consent to having a post natal paternity test to avoid you having to get it court ordered.

 

[Bigredmachine]

Apparently if the Mother names you as the Father and claims CMS then you have to pay it unless you can prove you’re not the Father and the onus is on you to get paternity tests at that time via the courts. Which also seems very biased! Even so she should consent to having a post natal paternity test to avoid you having to get it court ordered.

It’s not the cost that’s the issue, it’s the fact it’s not legally binding, soon as my solicitor said it’s not worth the paper it’s written on even it was free then it wasn’t an option.

He put it quite clear - This woman wasn’t a gf or wife, you didn’t live together, you have no idea what she did before or after that ONE NIGHT you were with her. She assured you she took a MAP the day after. A paternity test is a given, the fact she refused one sets alarm Bells off, add to that her giving you different dates of her last period, wrong Dates of how far along she was, her saying she doesn’t know her own cycle, the now official due date in medical terms not fitting in with when you had sex, her wanting to keep her name secret, her saying you dont Have to be involved several times, her offering a ridiculous option for a non binding Prenatal test…The onus is on her to prove paternity now, not you.

All his words and when you step back and read them, makes total sense